Posts by Anniston

"Ask An Advocate" - interview with Overnight Shelter Advocate René Tully Horton

“Ask An Advocate” – interview with Overnight Shelter Advocate René Tully Horton

Posted on by Anniston

When most of the world is winding down for the night, our Overnight Shelter Advocate, René Tully Horton, is just getting started.

The overnight shift is a unique and vital part of what keeps Options running – it’s the part of the heartbeat that never stops. While the rest of the world sleeps, survivors in shelter often find it’s the quiet hours that bring up the most reflection, emotion, or need for connection. That’s where René steps in – providing calm reassurance, safety, and understanding in those moments when it’s needed most.

As an Overnight Advocate, René handles everything from late-night crisis calls to ensuring shelter operations run smoothly until morning. But more than that, she’s there for survivors who just need to talk –  the ones who can’t sleep because of what they’ve endured, or who feel safest opening up when the world outside is still. Her compassion and steady presence make those long hours meaningful, turning darkness into a time for healing and hope.

As we continue our “Ask an Advocate” series, we’re taking time to highlight and celebrate the incredible staff members who make Options the safe, supportive place it is. Our advocates (like René) are the heart of what we do, and we couldn’t be more grateful for their dedication.

Now, let’s get into René’s interview!

What is your name, title, and how long have you worked at Options?

René Tully Horton, overnight shelter advocate, 1 year. 

What does a “day in the life” of your role actually look like, and how does it change from day to day?

You never know what to expect. Pray for the best and be prepared for the worst!

What’s one thing people misunderstand most about your job?

We don’t just sit around and wait for the phone to ring. We spend most of the time being someone to lean on and share stories.

If someone shadowed you for a day, what would surprise them the most?

How our night can go from zero to 100 in a flash!

What’s the hardest part of saying goodbye to a survivor who’s moving on?

Most likely not seeing them again, it’s like losing a friend.

What’s a small “win” that makes you feel like the work you do really matters?

Seeing a woman who has been broken into a thousand pieces transition back into the community and have their own home.

What’s a ritual or habit you use to transition out of “work mode” after a tough day?

Talking to my daughters or sisters/sister-in-law and brothers.

How do you remind yourself to rest when you feel like there’s always more to do?

That’s funny, my body will literally fall into bed!

Who or what do you lean on when the work feels overwhelming?

My coworkers.

What’s something you’ve learned about yourself because of this job?

That I am more resilient than I give myself credit for.

Do you have a “comfort item” at work (a photo, snack, playlist, etc.) that helps you get through the day?

The best moments are seeing my grandson and granddaughter’s pics. They always make me smile.

How do you celebrate even the smallest successes?

I smile and pay it forward. Sometimes all a person needs to hear is something nice or hold a door open for someone (those days are unfortunately disappearing).

What’s the most unexpected lesson a client or coworker has taught you?

Listen with care and compassion and keep my mouth shut!

When did you know that advocacy work was the right fit for you?

When I witnessed a survivor begin to heal.

What’s one thing you wish every survivor could hear and truly believe?

That they are loved, and not alone. EVER!

What motivates you to show up on the really hard days?

Just being there and having someone know they have a true shoulder to lean on.

If you could describe your advocacy style in three words, what would they be?

Trustworthy, kind and safe.

What’s one thing about you that your coworkers might not even know?

I owned my own Harley Davidon FXDL and still have the MC endorsement on my Driver’s license.  Maybe a few tattoos. 😊

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governo

"Ask an Advocate" - interview with Executive Director Jennifer Hecker

“Ask an Advocate” – interview with Executive Director Jennifer Hecker

Posted on by Anniston

When it comes to dedication, few people embody it quite like our Executive Director, Jennifer. For the past 10 years, Jennifer has been a driving force at Options – though her journey began long before stepping into the role of Executive Director. She first joined Options as a volunteer, learning the heart of advocacy from the ground up. Over the years, she’s worn many hats, from advocate to leader, and her passion for supporting survivors has only grown stronger along the way.

While much of Jennifer’s work now happens behind the scenes – managing grants, overseeing programs, and ensuring the organization continues to grow – her roots as an advocate are at the center of everything she does. She’s the voice of Options in the community, the steady hand guiding our mission forward, and a constant source of support for staff and survivors alike.

Her decade of service is a testament to her compassion, perseverance, and commitment to creating a safer, stronger community for everyone.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month may have concluded, but we are still showing our gratitude for our amazing staff! Stay tuned in the coming weeks for more “Ask an Advocate” interviews. 

Now, let’s get into Jennifer’s interview!

What is your name, title, and how long have you worked at Options?

I’m Jennifer Hecker, Executive Director of OPTIONS. I started here as a volunteer in 2015 and became Executive Director in 2017, so I’ve been with the organization for nearly a decade now and in leadership for about eight years. Starting as a volunteer really shaped my understanding of our work from the ground up.

What does a “day in the life” of your role actually look like, and how does it change from day to day?

I like to say “It’s never the same day twice at OPTIONS,” which is both challenging and energizing. I might start the morning reviewing grant applications and budget reports, then shift to meeting with our staff about complex cases. By afternoon, I could be presenting to community partners about our services, and end the day responding to a crisis situation or supporting staff through a difficult case. What remains constant is being available for my team and ensuring our survivors receive the individualized support they deserve.

What’s one thing people misunderstand most about your job?

People often think my role is primarily administrative – managing budgets and writing reports. While those are important parts of the work, much of what I do is about creating the conditions for healing to happen. I’m constantly thinking about how our policies, our physical spaces, even our tone of voice reflects the dignity that every survivor deserves. It’s about ensuring that every interaction honors people’s humanity.

If someone shadowed you for a day, what would surprise them the most?

They’d probably be surprised by how much laughter happens here. We use humor as a way to process difficult emotions and build resilience – both for survivors and staff. It’s not about making light of trauma, but about finding moments of joy and connection even in the midst of pain. Healing doesn’t happen in somber silence; it often happens through authentic human connection, including shared moments of lightness.

What’s the hardest part of saying goodbye to a survivor who’s moving on?

The hardest part is the transition from being someone they could count on to trusting that they have internalized the strength they always had. There’s this beautiful moment when someone realizes they don’t need us anymore – that they’ve reclaimed their power and voice. It’s exactly what we work toward, but it can be bittersweet knowing our chapter in their journey is closing, even as we celebrate their growth.

What’s a small “win” that makes you feel like the work you do really matters?

When a survivor tells us they’ve started dreaming about their future again – not just surviving day to day, but actually making plans. Or when someone who once couldn’t make eye contact walks into our office with their shoulders back, speaking their truth with confidence. These moments remind me that healing isn’t just about safety; it’s about people reclaiming their whole selves.

What’s a ritual or habit you use to transition out of “work mode” after a tough day?

I have a 10-minute drive home that I use intentionally. I’ll put on music that matches my mood – sometimes it’s something peaceful, usually it needs to be something I can sing loudly to release the tension. By the time I get home, I’ve given myself permission to feel whatever the day brought up, and then I can be present for my family. My only rule: I must sit in the car singing as loudly as possible until the end of the song.

How do you remind yourself to rest when you feel like there’s always more to do?

I had to learn this the hard way. I realized I was modeling unhealthy patterns for my staff, essentially telling them through my actions that self-care wasn’t important. Now I’m intentional about taking time off and talking about it openly. I remind myself that if I burn out, I can’t serve anyone well. Rest isn’t selfish – it’s strategic.

Who or what do you lean on when the work feels overwhelming?

My team – both our staff and our Board of Directors – is my greatest source of strength. We’ve created a culture where we can be honest about when we’re struggling. I also lean on humor – we’ve learned to find lightness even in dark moments. And frankly, the survivors themselves often teach me resilience. Watching someone rebuild their life reminds me why this work matters, even on the hardest days.

What’s something you’ve learned about yourself because of this job?

I’ve learned that I’m much stronger than I thought, AND also that strength doesn’t mean carrying everything alone. This work has taught me to lead from the back – to create space for others to shine and to trust that people support what they help create. I’ve discovered that my role isn’t to have all the answers, but to help create conditions where solutions can emerge.

Do you have a “comfort item” at work (a photo, snack, playlist, etc.) that helps you get through the day?

I keep a small collection of thank-you notes from survivors in my desk drawer. Not for the praise, but because they remind me of the incredible strength of the human spirit. When I’m feeling discouraged, I’ll read one and remember that healing is possible, that resilience is real, and that this work makes a difference in ways I might never fully understand. When all else fails, there’s nothing that a Ding-Dong and a Dr. Pepper can’t cure!

How do you celebrate even the smallest successes?

We celebrate everything here – someone getting their GED, finding an apartment, their first day at a new job, even just having a day without nightmares. We might bring in donuts, give high-fives, or simply take a moment to acknowledge the courage it took. I’ve learned that celebration is part of healing – it helps people recognize their own progress and builds momentum for the next step.

What’s the most unexpected lesson a client or coworker has taught you?

A survivor once told me, “You can’t save me, but you can believe in me while I save myself.” That completely shifted how I understood my role. It taught me that real help isn’t about rescuing people – it’s about creating space for their own strength to emerge and honoring their expertise in their own lives.

When did you know that advocacy work was the right fit for you?

Like many people, my family has been impacted by domestic violence and sexual assault. But it wasn’t just personal experience that called me to this work – it was realizing that I could help create something different. When I started volunteering in 2015, I saw how the right support at the right moment could change everything. That’s when I knew this was where I belonged.

What motivates you to show up on the really hard days?

Knowing that someone might be making the hardest phone call of their life today, and that we’ll be here to answer it with compassion and expertise. Every day, people are choosing to reach out for help, and that takes incredible courage. I want to honor that courage by showing up as my best self.

What’s your go-to “pick me up” song or snack at work?

I have a playlist I call “Work Time” with everything from Aretha Franklin to current pop songs that just make me smile. And I always keep chocolate in my office – it’s amazing how sharing a piece of chocolate can create a moment of sweetness in a difficult conversation.

If you could describe your advocacy style in three words, what would they be?

Collaborative, authentic, and hopeful. I believe people support what they create, so I work to involve everyone in finding solutions. I try to bring my whole self to this work – including my sense of humor and my own learning process. And even on the hardest days, I hold onto hope because I’ve seen too many people reclaim their lives to believe healing isn’t possible.

What’s one thing about you that your coworkers might not even know?

I’m actually pretty introverted. People see me presenting to community groups or facilitating meetings and assume I’m naturally outgoing. But I need quiet time to recharge, and some of my best thinking happens in solitude. I’ve learned that being an effective leader doesn’t mean being the loudest voice in the room – sometimes it means creating space for others to speak.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

"Ask an Advocate" - interview with Outreach Advocate Kristy Hughes

“Ask an Advocate” – interview with Outreach Advocate Kristy Hughes

Posted on by Anniston

If you’ve ever had the chance to meet our Outreach Advocate, Kristy, you know just how special she is. For the past year and a half, Kristy has been a vital part of the Options team, connecting with survivors in our community with compassion, understanding, and an open heart. Her calm, genuine presence helps survivors feel seen and supported – it’s no surprise that many request to work directly with her.

As our Outreach Advocate, Kristy spends her days meeting people where they are (literally and emotionally) to help survivors navigate the challenges of healing and rebuilding. Whether she’s sitting down one-on-one with a client or representing Options at community events, Kristy approaches every interaction with empathy and a drive to make sure survivors know they aren’t alone.

She also leads our Ellis County Support Group, which she’s infused with her signature creativity and warmth. Kristy is always finding new ways to keep the group engaging – from meaningful discussions to activities that help survivors connect, reflect, and grow together. Her dedication has helped create a space that feels safe, empowering, and full of community. Which, is exactly what healing should feel like.

The month may be winding down, but stay tuned for more a few more staff highlights in the coming weeks as we continue to shine a light on the incredible advocates who make our work possible.

Now, let’s get into Kristy’s interview! 

What is your name, title, and how long have you worked at Options?

Kristy Hughes. Outreach Advocate. I have been with Options for 17 months. I have worked evenings and weekend as a shelter advocate and am now in our hays office.

What’s a small “win” that makes you feel like the work you do really matters?

When I am told that I am a comfortable and safe place to discuss hard things. 

Who or what do you lean on when the work feels overwhelming?

I lean on nature and exercise when work feels overwhelming. Also, taking a drive to see my grandbabies works wonders every time. 

If you could describe your advocacy style in three words, what would they be?

Working as an advocate fills me with joy and a sense of purpose.  If I could describe my advocacy style in three words, it would be “I get it.”

If your younger self could see you now, what would they be most proud of?

If my younger self could see me now, she would be most proud of the fact that I am turning all of those past “why is this happening” into “because I have been there I can truly relate and be helpful.”

How do you remind yourself to rest when you feel like there’s always more to do?

Reminding myself to rest even when I feel like there is so much to do comes fairly easy. Knowing that we cannot do for others if we have not done for ourselves helps to keep a healthy balance of work time and leisure/rest time. 

What’s one thing about you that your coworkers might not even know?

One thing my coworkers may not know about me is as a child I always dreamed of becoming a police officer. I was a totally tom boy growing up in Mississippi playing cops and robbers with my cousins.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governo

"Ask an Advocate" - interview with Director of Client Services Meagan Zampieri-Lillpopp

“Ask an Advocate” – interview with Director of Client Services Meagan Zampieri-Lillpopp

Posted on by Anniston

If you ever need something figured out – whether it’s a grant report, a staff training, or the answer to an oddly specific question – Meagan is your person. For the past 3.5 years, she’s led as Options’ Director of Client Services, guiding best practices, supporting staff, and keeping partnerships strong (all while probably thinking about cats or tiny things).

Before joining Options, Meagan was a librarian, which makes sense when you realize she’s the kind of person who loves both knowledge and fun – but doesn’t mind a little chaos now and then. Outside of work, she’s a lover of books, puzzles, and all things small and delightful.

Meagan’s leadership keeps the pieces of our organization fitting together.

Let’s dive in to her interview!

What is your name, title, and how long have you worked at Options?

Meagan Zampieri-Lillpopp, Director of Client Services, 3.5 years

What does a “day in the life” of your role actually look like, and how does it change from day to day?

Every day is different! My main role is head of operations, programs, and services, which encompasses staffing, advocacy, community awareness activities, and outside partnerships. Frankly, it’s too much for one person. I process a lot of email and run a lot of meetings. I do get to step in as an advocate regularly, which is a really rewarding. Most of my time is spent advising, coaching, and assisting staff to meet their goals with clients or projects.

What’s one thing people misunderstand most about your job?

Outsiders think that I’m rescuing people all the time. People rescue themselves. I just get to help sometimes.

If someone shadowed you for a day, what would surprise them the most?

How much I cuss (not at people, don’t worry). It’s cool though. I have a sign. Most folks appreciate that they are allowed to speak freely as well. Cussing can be very cathartic… and I think it’s really important that folks be allowed to tell their stories in the way they truly feel them.

Office interaction: “$#@&!!” – gasps – “OH!! I’m sorry!”
“Oh, nah. Don’t worry about it.” -points to sign-

How do you remind yourself to rest when you feel like there’s always more to do?

I am constantly telling people to go home. I am also the worst about going home.

I think the thing I do well though is that I know that I work a lot, so I also have zero guilt when I do need to rest more or when I have planned my rest in advance. I take my lunches most days. I book my therapy and massage and medical appointments and keep them, and I encourage everyone to do the same. We never know when we will be called upon to give just one more drop of compassion, so we have to keep our cups full. If I’m working late, it’s because I have the capacity, the interest, and a deadline.  If any one of those is missing, I pretend I’m talking to a member of my staff and say, “Go home, Meagan. Go-onnow… GIT!”

Who or what do you lean on when the work feels overwhelming?

I talk to my boss. She’s usually able to take something off my plate or help me chunk it up into smaller bites so that it can be accomplished in the time I have. OR, talking it out reinvigorates or helps me get the task list into a manageable framework so that I can ask for help. Most of the time, when I’m overwhelmed it’s because I don’t know where to start or what I can delegate so everything looks bigger than it is.

Do you have a “comfort item” at work (a photo, snack, playlist, etc.) that helps you get through the day?

My office is literally a maximalist’s dream room of comfort items. I have pillows, art, plants, corny buttons, toys, essential oil diffusers, crayons & colored pencils, coloring books and books for reading for fun and books for reading for professional growth, embroidery supplies, vintage toys (that are just for looking), a drink station, stickers, sometimes candy, 1000 favorite pens, cards for many occasions, presents that I picked up for folks throughout the year, 101 tiny cheeses, 30 miniature books, and 10 tiny wine bottles, one of which is from Captain Jean-Luc Picard’s family vineyard. But the most special things are the notes and cards I’ve gotten from children or family or staff.

Capt PIcard’s wine and cheese and book buffet (et al).

And then there’s Bear (and Fonzie). I’m 100% a cat person, but these are some fantastic dogs.

Bear, the Best Boy.
Thank you notes from Roosevelt’s 5th Graders
Gigi’s note to me c. 2019 when I worked at the library.

If your younger self could see you now, what would they be most proud of?

I haven’t moved in over five years. I have health insurance. I have a car? (I didn’t get my license until I was 21, so that’s kind of a shocker.)

I didn’t have the most stable upbringing… We moved a lot and never had money, meaning the bills weren’t always paid and most of our moves were because we couldn’t afford rent. I didn’t realize how much energy it took to move through the world poor, and now that I’m not struggling to pay to survive paycheck-to-paycheck, I get to spend that energy on so many other good things. I’m grateful every day for the privileges I have now in all the ways they exist… I never imagined I would be this safe.

Also, since I was elected to office… There are SO MANY PEOPLE who can SAY & SPELL MY WHOLE NAME. That’s amazing.

What’s one thing you wish every survivor could hear and truly believe?

We have a Survivor Bill of Rights in one of our support group curriculums… And I have seen folks deeply impacted by every one of the statements on the list. Each one hits different on any given day.

I want everyone to believe every line. And maybe they all come down to this one:

I have the right to be believed and valued.

There are a lot of things that keep us from getting help, but the emotional toil of convincing everyone that I deserve help, that it really is that bad, that I’m not making it up, and that I’m important enough to help…  I think we have to work way too hard to convince ourselves first that being hurt (emotionally, physically, psychologically, sexually) isn’t normal or expected in life.

I don’t know how I would have made it out myself if my friends hadn’t believed me in the first place. There were only two times I had bruises, after all. But they did believe me. They helped me. They acted as shields and distractions and gave me their time and real dollars. My real friends—the people who stand by me still—believed me and still show me how much they value me. And for me, that set the standard I would use for my future while my son and I made our new life together that I’m so proud of.

What’s one thing about you that your coworkers might not even know?

You know what? I don’t know. And I’m not a guesser.

Notes from my staff: MZL? If she doesn’t know the answer to something she’ll tell you she doesn’t know. But what she does know, is a lot about cheese.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

"Ask An Advocate" - interview with Weekend Shelter Advocate Justine Rigby

“Ask An Advocate” – interview with Weekend Shelter Advocate Justine Rigby

Posted on by Anniston

Our weekend advocates hold a truly special place within Options. While most of the world slows down for the weekend, their work keeps going –  often for 48 hours straight. These advocates are the heartbeat of our shelter during those quiet hours, ensuring survivors continue to have safety, care, and compassion no matter the day or time.

Because many community resources are closed on weekends, our weekend staff often have to think creatively and act resourcefully to meet survivors’ needs. Their work requires patience, flexibility, and a deep understanding of what it means to truly show up for others.

This week, we’re excited to introduce Justine, one of our dedicated Weekend Shelter Advocates. In her 9 months with Options, Justine has already shown incredible empathy, adaptability, and heart – qualities that make her an essential part of our team and a strong support for survivors.

Let’s get to know Justine! 

What is your name, title, and how long have you worked at Options?

Justine, Weekend Shelter Advocate, about 9 months.

What does a “day in the life” of your role actually look like, and how does it change from day to day?

Being a weekend advocate at the shelter, I work a 48-hour shift that is from Friday at 11PM to Sunday at 11PM. Generally, with a 2nd advocate, whose presence assures that one of us is able to respond to emergency calls, provide transportation if needed & to deliver meals to hotel clients if any of those are needed, as well as take breaks. There are 2 offices in the shelter where advocates can sleep & take care of phone calls, private conversations & documentation. There are times when all of the survivors in shelter and the phones stay quiet & days where one, the other, or both are non-stop.

What’s one thing people misunderstand most about your job?

That all our services are completely free, confidential & voluntary. A lot of people aren’t aware of that until we tell them.

If someone shadowed you for a day, what would surprise them the most?

How personable our services are for each of our employees and survivors. We REALLY care, this isn’t JUST a job for a lot of us.

What’s the hardest part of saying goodbye to a survivor who’s moving on?

Knowing that I will not be able to get updates on their success.

What’s a small “win” that makes you feel like the work you do really matters?

When a survivor opens up to me, they share their story & thank me for what I have done for them. A lot of them don’t get to know the feeling I experience when I hear those words. All I have ever wanted to do is HELP people.

What’s a behind-the-scenes moment you’re proud of but few people would ever know about?

Having private conversations with survivors & finding a common interest that creates a real connection. For just those moments, it’s like we’re both able to let our guards down, forget all of our struggles & trauma and just live in the moment.

One of my favorite moments during a shift is when I decided to go get Daylight Donuts & bring enough back to shelter to share with my coworker and the survivors in shelter. One of the survivors literally CRIED because they had never had a FRESH Donut. Which in turn made me cry.

What’s a ritual or habit you use to transition out of “work mode” after a tough day?

Sometimes I just jam to music on my way home. Others, I ride in silence. When I get home I look up at the stars and/or moon and take some deep breaths before I go into my home.

Who or what do you lean on when the work feels overwhelming?

There are SO many people who are available. We always have a 2nd advocate on shift with us, plus an on-call supervisor we can reach out. Every one of my coworkers and supervisors are beyond welcoming to listen and officer assistance. Also, I am able to step into the office and video chat my fiancé & almost 2-year old daughter.

What’s something you’ve learned about yourself because of this job?

Honestly, that I second guess myself and my abilities way too much.

What’s the most unexpected lesson a client or coworker has taught you?

It truly is the smallest things & moments in life that make all of the difference in the world.

When did you know that advocacy work was the right fit for you?

Almost immediately! I have never truly known what I wanted to do, but I have always known that I wanted to help people.

What’s one thing you wish every survivor could hear and truly believe?

That they DESERVE kindness & happiness.

What’s your go-to “pick me up” song or snack at work?

Cherry Pepsi!

If you could describe your advocacy style in three words, what would they be?

Empathetic, sincere & passionate.

What’s one thing about you that your coworkers might not even know?

That I am a survivor of sexual and domestic violence. This organization is so thoughtful, caring and non-judgmental, which makes it easy to share with others, so I have already done so.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

"Ask An Advocate" - interview with Overnight Shelter Advocate Barbara Bunker

“Ask An Advocate” – interview with Overnight Shelter Advocate Barbara Bunker

Posted on by Anniston

We are kicking off Domestic Violence Awareness Month by celebrating the heart of Options – our advocates. Every day and every night, they are the ones ensuring survivors feel safe, supported, and never alone.

To begin this series, we’re honored to highlight Barbara Bunker, our longest-serving staff member. Barbara has been with Options for an incredible 18 years and currently serves in one of our Overnight Shelter Advocate positions. Her dedication and compassion have made her a steady presence for countless survivors over nearly two decades.

Through this “Ask an Advocate” series, you’ll get a glimpse into the people behind the work – what inspires them, how they cope with challenges, and why they continue to show up, day after day, for survivors in our community.

If you’d like to revisit our previous “Ask an Advocate” series, you can find one here. And be sure to stay tuned – throughout Domestic Violence Awareness Month we’ll continue sharing more advocate profiles, shining a light on the incredible people who make Options what it is.

Now, let’s dive into Barbara’s interview!

What is your name, title, and how long have you worked at Options?

 Barbara Bunker, Overnight Shelter Advocate, I have worked here 18 years. 

What does a “day in the life” of your role actually look like, and how does it change from day to day?

A typical day of work looks like:  arriving at work at 11 p.m., having shift report, getting on the computer and checking my emails. Then I clean the shelter house for an hour or two and make sure the coffee is ready for the new day.  I usually also unload the dishwasher and wipe off the counters in the kitchen.  Rene’ and I catch up on each other’s lives and watch TV for a while. We visit with any survivors who want to talk during the night.  We also do a little computer work. Each night, our main duty is to listen for the hotline and do transportations whenever necessary or go on SANE’s if we need to. Each morning we do a shift report and I go home for the day. 

What’s the hardest part of saying goodbye to a survivor who’s moving on?

The hardest part of saying goodbye to a survivor who is moving on is the fact that you may never see this person again. 

What’s a small “win” that makes you feel like the work you do really matters?

When the survivor goes on to live a successful life, you feel like you had a part in helping them.

What’s a behind-the-scenes moment you’re proud of but few people would ever know about?

Staying up late listening to a survivor to later hear them say “thanks” and that they appreciate you listening to them. 

What’s a ritual or habit you use to transition out of “work mode” after a tough day?

On a tough day (or any day as a matter of fact) I head to the nearest McDonalds and get a French Vanilla Iced Coffee. 

Who or what do you lean on when the work feels overwhelming?

I lean on my co-worker at night when the work feels overwhelming. 

What’s something you’ve learned about yourself because of this job?

I have learned I can be a pretty good non-judgmental listener. 

If your younger self could see you now, what would they be most proud of?

If my younger self could see me now, she would be proud that I have found a job to support myself and I am helping others. 

What’s your go-to “pick me up” song or snack at work?

My favorite snack at work is ice cold water from the refrigerator. 

If you could describe your advocacy style in three words, what would they be?

My advocacy style can best be described by these three words – listen, love and laugh. 

What’s one thing about you that your coworkers might not even know?

One thing about me that my co-workers might not know is that AC/DC is my favorite band. 

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

It's Okay to Be Angry

It’s Okay to Be Angry

Posted on by Anniston

“Forgiveness will set you free.”
“You can’t heal until you forgive.”
“Holding onto anger only hurts you.”

Have you ever heard something like that before? I know I have – so many times that the words almost start to sound like an undeniable, unquestionable truth. I sat in a conference session once where the speaker just kept talking about forgiveness. They said that forgiveness can be justice, that it can free us from the power of the people who hurt us. And while I could see how that idea might resonate with some, I’ll be honest – it didn’t resonate with me.

I sat there listening, and the longer they spoke, the more I felt that heavy pit in my stomach. Because for me, forgiveness doesn’t feel like freedom. It feels like pressure. It feels like being told that my anger (the very thing that keeps me from slipping away from myself) is something shameful I needed to get rid of.

And that isn’t fair. My anger shouldn’t be used against me to make me feel bad. It shouldn’t be used against any person who has experienced harm.

Here’s the truth: it is OK to be angry. It is OK to be angry at the world. It is OK to be angry at the people who should have protected you but didn’t. It’s OK to be angry at the systems that failed you. It is OK to be angry at your abuser. It is OK to be angry simply because what happened to you should never, ever have happened. Anger doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t mean you’re bitter. It doesn’t mean you’re failing at healing. Anger means you’re human, and it means you’ve been hurt.

But the problem is, anger has a bad reputation. People hear the word “angry” and they think of screaming, violence, and destruction. That’s not what I’m talking about. Anger in itself isn’t dangerous. It’s just an emotion, like sadness or fear or joy. And when you’ve experienced abuse, anger can actually be one of the most honest responses you’ll ever feel. It’s your body’s way of saying, “That wasn’t right. I deserved better than this.”

And you did. You do.

When we talk about forgiveness in relation to abuse, I think it’s worth pausing to ask: what exactly are we being asked to forgive? Are we supposed to forgive ourselves? Because we didn’t do anything wrong. Are we supposed to forgive the systems that failed us, that looked the other way, that left us vulnerable? Or are we being asked to forgive the person who abused us – the very one who caused so much harm? And if that’s the case, why is the burden placed on us to let them off the hook? Forgiveness, when it’s framed this way, feels less like freedom and more like yet another demand on survivors. It’s no wonder so many of us bristle at the word.

The tricky part is that we’re often told that anger isn’t okay. Rather, we hear that in order to heal, we have to forgive. And sure, forgiveness can be healing for some. But it’s not the only path, and it’s not a requirement. You do not owe your abuser forgiveness. You don’t have to let go of your anger to make other people comfortable. Healing is not one-size-fits-all, and it doesn’t come with a checklist. For some people, forgiveness feels like peace. For others, peace comes from saying, “No, I won’t forgive you, and I won’t let you control my life any longer.”

Both are valid. Both are healing.

What matters most is what you do with your anger. Keeping it all bottled up is exhausting – it’s like carrying around a backpack filled with bricks. Eventually, it weighs you down. But there are healthy ways to let that energy move through you. For some, that means physical movement: running, kickboxing, even just walking until your mind clears. For others, it’s creativity: journaling, painting, writing letters you’ll never send, or singing loudly in the car with the windows up. It can also mean talking it out with someone you trust or practicing grounding strategies like deep breathing or yoga. And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is turn your anger into action. You can do things like raise awareness, speak out, or help others. Every one of these things is a way to honor your anger without letting it consume you.

Here’s what I wish more people understood: you can be angry and still be healing. Anger doesn’t mean you’re stuck. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means you are still working through what happened, and that’s not a bad thing. Healing isn’t neat. It’s not all peace and light and closure. Sometimes it’s messy and stormy. Sometimes it’s crying into your pillow at 3 a.m. Sometimes it’s rage. Sometimes it’s laughing at something silly even though part of your heart still aches. All of it counts.

And most importantly, there’s no deadline. There’s no magic moment when you’re “supposed to” let go. If you’re not ready to forgive, you don’t have to. If you’re still angry years later, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed at healing. It just means you’re human. Your journey is yours. Maybe someday you’ll forgive, maybe you won’t. Either way, your healing is still valid.

So if no one else has said this to you, let me say it now: your anger is justified. You don’t need to hide it. You don’t need to apologize for it. And you don’t need to let it be used against you. Forgiveness can be powerful, but so can anger. Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to become someone who never feels it – it’s about learning to hold it with compassion for yourself.

You’ve already survived the hardest part. Now you get to decide what to do with the fire that still burns inside you. And if all you can do today is say to yourself, “Yes, I’m angry,” that, too, is part of healing.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.

 

Dark Romance or Dark Reality: When Fantasy Crosses into Harm

Dark Romance or Dark Reality: When Fantasy Crosses into Harm

Posted on by Anniston

Reading is so back! Book clubs are thriving, libraries are bustling, and entire online communities are built around sharing book recommendations and reviews. Platforms like TikTok’s “BookTok” have introduced millions of people to genres they may never have explored before, sparking lively conversations and getting more people (especially younger readers) excited about stories again.

Undeniably, one of the largest growing genres is romance. Over the last few years, “dark romance” has gone from a niche subgenre to a publishing powerhouse. Whether on bookstore shelves, Kindle Unlimited, or featured in viral TikTok videos, stories compacted with “morally gray” love interests, dangerous obsession, and even non-consensual encounters are drawing millions of readers. And so, what once lived in the corners of online fanfiction forums and small indie presses is now front and center in bookstores and bestseller lists. Readers are eating up the motorcycle-helmet-wearing, gun-toting, dark-haired, dark-eyed, “I’ll burn the world down for you,” types.

The term “dark romance” comes from the way these stories deliberately step into themes that are heavier, more intense, and often taboo compared to traditional romance. While standard romance novels usually highlight love, trust, and happy endings, dark romance explores the shadow side of relationships – obsession, power imbalances, moral ambiguity, violence, or betrayal. The “darkness” isn’t just about the setting or mood, but about the emotional and ethical risks the characters take. For many readers, that darkness creates a sense of danger and intensity that makes the eventual romance feel more dramatic and consuming.

Here’s a little bit of an aside since I am a literature nerd: It’s important to note that dark romance isn’t the same as gothic romance, though the two are often confused. Gothic romance, which has roots in 18th- and 19th-century literature, typically features haunted settings, mysterious atmospheres, and a sense of suspense that surrounds the love story. Dark romance, by contrast, centers less on spooky castles or eerie landscapes and more on the psychological and emotional “darkness” within the characters and their relationships. Where gothic romance leans on atmosphere, dark romance leans on moral tension.

For many, these stories offer an intense escape. It’s got high stakes, deep emotions, and the thrill of “love against all odds,” making for addictive reading. But, as the popularity of dark romance grows, so does an uncomfortable trend: the romanticization of rape fantasies and abusive dynamics.

This doesn’t mean everyone who enjoys these books is condoning real-life abuse – far from it. Many readers can separate fiction from reality. Still, the way these fantasies are written, consumed, and talked about can blur lines in ways that have real-world consequences. To be entirely transparent – I am an avid enjoyer of fantasy romance and have consumed dark romance novels before. I understand the appeal. It is just important to me, as a survivor advocate, that we are reflecting on the way we discuss these books in our social spaces as well.

With that said – let’s unpack why this genre resonates with so many people, why certain aspects raise concerns, and how we can talk about it without shaming anyone for what they enjoy.

Why Dark Romance Appeals to Readers

  1. Escapism and heightened emotion.
    Romance novels of all kinds are built on fantasy. Dark romance simply turns up the intensity. Readers know the stakes are fictional, which can make it feel “safe” to explore dangerous scenarios on the page.
  2. The allure of transformation.
    A recurring theme in dark romance is the “redeemable” villain: the cold, cruel, or violent love interest who becomes tender and devoted to one person. This idea that love can transform someone is compelling, especially for those who’ve experienced unreliable or inconsistent affection in real life.
  3. Control in a controlled space.
    For some, reading about non-consensual scenes in fiction can be a way to explore taboo fantasies without any actual risk. Because the reader is in control (as in, they can put the book down or skip scenes) it can feel empowering in a way that real-life situations never could.

Where the Harm Can Happen

  1. Reinforcing harmful myths.
    When stories portray assault as a steppingstone to love or imply that “deep down” the victim wanted/enjoyed/condoned it, they reinforce dangerous ideas – the same myths survivors hear in courtrooms, police stations, and everyday conversations. These narratives can make it harder for survivors to be believed and for society to recognize coercion for what it is.
  2. Blurring consent lines.
    In some dark romances, there’s no clear acknowledgment of consent or the lack of it. This can normalize the idea that boundaries are negotiable if the person is attractive enough or “really loves you.”
  3. Impact on younger or less experienced readers.
    Adults may be able to compartmentalize fantasy from reality, but younger readers (or those without much relationship experience) may take these dynamics at face value. Without proper context, controlling or violent behavior can start to look romantic instead of abusive.

Having the Conversation Without Shaming Readers

The reality is, telling someone “You shouldn’t read that,” almost always shuts down the conversation. It can make people defensive and less willing to reflect critically on what they consume. Instead, we can approach the discussion with curiosity and respect.

We have to acknowledge the separation between fantasy and reality. It’s important to validate that fantasies don’t always reflect our values or desires in real life. Someone can read about a kidnapping in a novel without wanting to experience it outside the pages. Recognizing this makes readers more willing to engage in honest dialogue.

Additionally, we need to ask ourselves (and others) critical questions. Instead of telling someone a book is harmful, ask: “How do you feel about the way the author handled consent?” or “Do you think this relationship would work in real life?” This opens the door for reflection without assigning guilt. Bringing in survivor-center perspectives could also be an important way to share the ways certain tropes mirror real-life abuse can help readers understand the stakes without attacking their preferences. For example: “Some survivors have shared that seeing assault romanticized in fiction feels invalidating – like their pain is being turned into entertainment.” Finally, we can promote stories with healthy depictions of intimacy without banning others. It’s possible to recommend romance novels that explore dark themes responsibly, showing clear consent, respect, and recovery, while still allowing room for people to enjoy more extreme fictional scenarios.

Why This Matters

Imagine a college student who stumbles onto a few popular dark romance titles through social media. At first, she reads them for the drama and intensity, swept up in the idea of a love so consuming it feels dangerous. The characters fight, break each other’s trust, and cross boundaries – yet the story always frames these behaviors as proof of passion. Over time, she starts to internalize those patterns: the jealous outbursts, the possessive control, the way “no” is often ignored until it becomes “yes.” Without realizing it, she begins to see these dynamics as part of what passionate love is supposed to look like.

When her own partner starts checking her phone, isolating her from friends, or pushing her sexual boundaries, she brushes it off as normal and flattering because it mirrors the behaviors she’s been reading about. Instead of recognizing red flags, she interprets them as signs that her partner must really care. What started as harmless escapism slowly shifts her expectations of relationships, normalizing abuse in ways that make it harder for her to set boundaries or recognize unhealthy behavior.

Options works with survivors every day who have been told they “must have wanted it” or “should have fought harder.” Unfortunately, these are harmful myths that can be reinforced by careless storytelling. When books portray sexual violence or stalking as a prelude to romance, they feed into the very misconceptions that allow abuse to continue in our communities.

I’m not here to police anyone’s bookshelf. People will always be drawn to intense, dramatic, even dangerous love stories. But we can (and should) talk about how those stories are written, marketed, and understood. By encouraging conversations about consent, boundaries, and respect, we make it easier for readers to enjoy their fiction while still recognizing harmful dynamics in real life.

Fiction is powerful. It shapes the way we think about love, sex, and relationships – often more than we realize. Enjoying a dark romance doesn’t mean you support abuse, but it’s worth asking: What stories are we telling ourselves about love? And do they align with the kind of relationships we truly want?

Let’s keep the conversation open, respectful, and grounded in the real-world impact of the narratives we consume. Because when we understand the difference between fantasy and reality, we give ourselves (and each other) the tools to recognize, demand, and celebrate healthy, consensual love.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.

Hidden Abuse: How Abusers Exploit Disabilities

Hidden Abuse: How Abusers Exploit Disabilities

Posted on by Anniston

Domestic violence affects every community – but the risk is even higher for people with disabilities, who too often go unheard and unseen. July is Disability Awareness Month. This is a time to celebrate the contributions and resilience of people with disabilities, and it is also a time to confront some hard truths. One reality that too often goes unspoken is the high risk of domestic and intimate partner violence (IPV) that people with disabilities face.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, people with disabilities are more than twice as likely to experience violent victimization than people without disabilities. This includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse – and it often comes with unique forms of control and harm that non-disabled people may never have to think about.

So why does this happen, and how do abusers use disability as a tool of power?

When Caregiving Becomes Control

For some survivors, an abusive partner is also their caregiver. They may help with mobility, daily living tasks, medication, transportation, or communication. This dependence can quickly become an avenue for manipulation.

Abusers may withhold or ration medication, refuse to assist with feeding or bathing, sabotage medical appointments, or threaten to abandon the person altogether. These actions are not just neglectful – they are abusive. By threatening a disabled person’s health or safety, the abuser keeps them trapped in fear.

In some cases, the abuser might intentionally make a survivor’s disability worse. This could be done by purposefully giving them the wrong medication, causing injuries, or preventing them from accessing needed equipment or medical care.

This dynamic is sometimes called caregiver abuse, and it’s more common than many realize. Unfortunately, it’s also underreported, partly because the survivor may not know where else to turn or may fear they won’t be believed. Or, it is so normalized that they do not recognize it as abuse.

Taking Away Tools for Independence

For people with disabilities, tools like wheelchairs, hearing aids, prosthetics, communication devices, or service animals can mean the difference between dependence and independence. Abusers often know this – and they use it against survivors.

An abuser might hide or destroy mobility aids, refuse to help with maintenance or repairs, or prevent someone from using adaptive devices altogether. They might threaten to harm or get rid of a service animal, knowing that doing so would severely limit the survivor’s freedom.

These acts are a direct attack on a survivor’s autonomy and freedom of movement. They make it harder for survivors to leave, reach out for help, or even communicate that abuse is happening.

Isolation and Silencing

People with disabilities already face barriers to community life and social connection. Abusers often make this worse by isolating their partner from supportive friends, family, or services.

For example, they might discourage or prevent the survivor from attending medical appointments alone, speaking privately with a provider, or using online or phone-based resources. Survivors with sensory, intellectual, or communication disabilities may find it even harder to tell someone what’s happening when the abuser is always present or actively intercepting calls, emails, or messages.

Silencing someone who already faces barriers to being heard is a devastating tactic — and it’s one reason abuse in the disability community is so often hidden in plain sight.

Why Reporting and Support Can Be Harder

Even when survivors want to seek help, the systems designed to protect them aren’t always accessible.

  • Many domestic violence shelters and crisis centers still have physical barriers, like stairs and narrow hallways, that make them unusable for people with mobility devices.
  • Some shelters may not allow service animals.
  • Survivors with hearing or vision disabilities may not have interpreters or accessible formats when they reach out for help.
  • Police, courts, and medical staff may not be trained to recognize signs of abuse in disabled people, and myths about disability can lead to survivors not being believed.

These gaps highlight why it’s so critical to make domestic violence services truly accessible for all survivors — including survivors with disabilities.

Accessible Safety Planning: Meeting Survivors Where They Are

Safety planning is a key part of domestic violence advocacy — and for survivors with disabilities, it needs to be customized to address unique risks. Here are a few core ideas for accessible safety planning:

– Keep critical items accessible. Help the survivor plan how to safely store backups of medications, mobility aids, batteries, or assistive technology — ideally in a place the abuser can’t easily find or control.

– Emergency contacts and safe places. Work with the survivor to identify trusted friends, neighbors, or agencies who understand their disability needs and can help if they need to leave quickly.

– Transportation plans. Discuss options for accessible transportation if the survivor needs to escape — for example, does the local shelter have a lift van? Do they need help arranging paratransit or a trusted driver?

– Service animals. Make sure safety plans include safe arrangements for service animals –  they should never be left behind.

– Communication support. If the survivor uses an interpreter, communication device, or alternative format, make sure crisis lines and advocates can communicate in a way that works for them.

– Legal and medical backups. Help the survivor gather copies of important documents, prescriptions, and medical instructions, and store them in a safe place or with a trusted person.

Accessible safety planning recognizes that there is no “one size fits all.” It centers the survivor’s unique needs and abilities and it honors their right to autonomy, safety, and dignity.

This Disability Awareness Month, let’s commit to lifting up the voices of disabled survivors, challenging ableism in our communities, and advocating for services that work for everyone.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.

Not Your Secret to Tell: Outing as a Form of Control and Abuse

Not Your Secret to Tell: Outing as a Form of Control and Abuse

Posted on by Anniston

June is Pride Month! This is a time to celebrate LGBTQ+ identities, honor queer history, and advocate for a safer, more inclusive world. While much of the month is rightly filled with joy, it’s also a crucial opportunity to shed light on the unique forms of violence and abuse LGBTQ+ individuals continue to face. One such form of abuse, often overlooked in mainstream conversations, is the act of outing – the disclosure of someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity without their consent.

Outing is not just a breach of trust or privacy. In the context of abusive relationships, outing is a deliberate and powerful tool of control, fear, and manipulation. For many LGBTQ+ individuals, the threat of being outed can be just as harmful as physical violence (or even lead to physical violence) – especially when it comes from someone they love or trust.

What Is Outing?

Outing is the act of revealing another person’s LGBTQ+ identity to others without their permission. This could include telling a person’s family, employer, classmates, religious community, or social circle about their sexual orientation or gender identity before that person is ready or safe to share that information themselves.

Outing can happen publicly or privately, maliciously or carelessly, but the common denominator is this: it removes the survivor’s autonomy over their identity and often puts them in harm’s way.

How Outing Becomes a Tool of Abuse

In abusive relationships, whether romantic, familial, or platonic, the threat of outing is often used to control LGBTQ+ individuals. Here’s how:

  1. Coercion and Manipulation

An abuser may threaten to out a partner to force them to stay in the relationship, comply with demands, or remain silent about abuse. For example, a bisexual person in a relationship with someone of the same gender might be threatened with being outed to their employer or family members that have expressed bad feelings towards the LGBTQ+ community.

This threat can feel paralyzing. Survivors are forced to weigh the trauma of staying against the danger of being outed in unsafe environments – an impossible decision.

  1. Social Isolation

Outing can be used to sever the survivor’s support network. If someone hasn’t come out to family or friends, an abuser might threaten to or actually tell those people, knowing it could result in rejection or hostility. The survivor is then left isolated and more dependent on the abuser for emotional or financial support.

  1. Economic Control

In many workplaces, especially in areas with limited LGBTQ+ protections, being outed can jeopardize someone’s employment. An abuser may leverage this fear to control financial decisions, restrict access to income, or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship.

  1. Outing as Punishment

Sometimes, an abuser will out a survivor as a form of retaliation. Such as after a breakup, after an argument, or if the survivor discloses the abuse to someone else. This vindictive act is meant to shame, humiliate, or endanger the survivor, and it often works.

The Real-World Impact of Being Outed

Being outed can have devastating consequences. LGBTQ+ people (especially youth, people of color, and those living in rural or conservative areas) face heightened risks of:

  • Family rejection and homelessness
  • Harassment, bullying, or physical violence
  • Employment discrimination or job loss
  • Mental health crises, including depression, anxiety, and suicidality
  • Loss of custody or parental rights in family court settings

According to The Trevor Project, 28% of LGBTQ+ youth who were outed against their will reported feeling unsafe in their own homes afterward. And nearly 40% of homeless youth in the U.S. identify as LGBTQ+, with family rejection or forced outing cited as primary causes.

Why This Matters During Pride Month

Pride Month is a celebration of visibility, but it should also be a reminder that coming out must always be a choice. LGBTQ+ people have a right to safety, privacy, and autonomy. When that choice is taken away through abuse, it’s not just a violation of trust – it’s an act of violence.

Abusers who use outing as a weapon exploit the very thing Pride seeks to reclaim: identity. The fear of being “found out” continues to silence survivors, keeping them trapped in dangerous situations.

As advocates, allies, and service providers, we must recognize outing for what it is: a form of abuse.

What Can We Do?

  1. Believe LGBTQ+ Survivors

Too often, LGBTQ+ survivors are dismissed, especially when abuse doesn’t look like the stereotypical narratives we’re used to seeing. Understand that emotional abuse, threats, and outing are real and valid forms of harm.

  1. Create Inclusive Resources

Make sure domestic and sexual violence services are visibly LGBTQ+-affirming. Use inclusive language, offer staff training, and create safety plans that account for the risk of outing.

  1. Center Confidentiality

Never assume someone is “out.” Ask survivors what name, pronouns, or identity details are safe to use and with whom. Respect their boundaries, even if you think “everyone already knows.”

  1. Advocate for Legal Protections

Support nondiscrimination policies that protect LGBTQ+ individuals in housing, employment, education, and healthcare. Legal protections reduce the power of outing as a weapon.

  1. Uplift Community Voices

Listen to and amplify the voices of LGBTQ+ survivors, especially those who are trans, nonbinary, or people of color. Their lived experiences are critical to shaping safer, more responsive systems.

Outing is not just a personal betrayal – it’s a public danger. Abuse doesn’t always leave visible scars. Sometimes, it’s a text message that threatens to “tell everyone.” Sometimes, it’s the unspoken power of what someone knows about you.

This Pride Month, let’s celebrate by committing to safety, dignity, and choice – for everyone.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.