Posts by Anniston

"Ask An Advocate" - interview with Weekend Shelter Advocate Justine Rigby

“Ask An Advocate” – interview with Weekend Shelter Advocate Justine Rigby

Posted on by Anniston

Our weekend advocates hold a truly special place within Options. While most of the world slows down for the weekend, their work keeps going –  often for 48 hours straight. These advocates are the heartbeat of our shelter during those quiet hours, ensuring survivors continue to have safety, care, and compassion no matter the day or time.

Because many community resources are closed on weekends, our weekend staff often have to think creatively and act resourcefully to meet survivors’ needs. Their work requires patience, flexibility, and a deep understanding of what it means to truly show up for others.

This week, we’re excited to introduce Justine, one of our dedicated Weekend Shelter Advocates. In her 9 months with Options, Justine has already shown incredible empathy, adaptability, and heart – qualities that make her an essential part of our team and a strong support for survivors.

Let’s get to know Justine! 

What is your name, title, and how long have you worked at Options?

Justine, Weekend Shelter Advocate, about 9 months.

What does a “day in the life” of your role actually look like, and how does it change from day to day?

Being a weekend advocate at the shelter, I work a 48-hour shift that is from Friday at 11PM to Sunday at 11PM. Generally, with a 2nd advocate, whose presence assures that one of us is able to respond to emergency calls, provide transportation if needed & to deliver meals to hotel clients if any of those are needed, as well as take breaks. There are 2 offices in the shelter where advocates can sleep & take care of phone calls, private conversations & documentation. There are times when all of the survivors in shelter and the phones stay quiet & days where one, the other, or both are non-stop.

What’s one thing people misunderstand most about your job?

That all our services are completely free, confidential & voluntary. A lot of people aren’t aware of that until we tell them.

If someone shadowed you for a day, what would surprise them the most?

How personable our services are for each of our employees and survivors. We REALLY care, this isn’t JUST a job for a lot of us.

What’s the hardest part of saying goodbye to a survivor who’s moving on?

Knowing that I will not be able to get updates on their success.

What’s a small “win” that makes you feel like the work you do really matters?

When a survivor opens up to me, they share their story & thank me for what I have done for them. A lot of them don’t get to know the feeling I experience when I hear those words. All I have ever wanted to do is HELP people.

What’s a behind-the-scenes moment you’re proud of but few people would ever know about?

Having private conversations with survivors & finding a common interest that creates a real connection. For just those moments, it’s like we’re both able to let our guards down, forget all of our struggles & trauma and just live in the moment.

One of my favorite moments during a shift is when I decided to go get Daylight Donuts & bring enough back to shelter to share with my coworker and the survivors in shelter. One of the survivors literally CRIED because they had never had a FRESH Donut. Which in turn made me cry.

What’s a ritual or habit you use to transition out of “work mode” after a tough day?

Sometimes I just jam to music on my way home. Others, I ride in silence. When I get home I look up at the stars and/or moon and take some deep breaths before I go into my home.

Who or what do you lean on when the work feels overwhelming?

There are SO many people who are available. We always have a 2nd advocate on shift with us, plus an on-call supervisor we can reach out. Every one of my coworkers and supervisors are beyond welcoming to listen and officer assistance. Also, I am able to step into the office and video chat my fiancé & almost 2-year old daughter.

What’s something you’ve learned about yourself because of this job?

Honestly, that I second guess myself and my abilities way too much.

What’s the most unexpected lesson a client or coworker has taught you?

It truly is the smallest things & moments in life that make all of the difference in the world.

When did you know that advocacy work was the right fit for you?

Almost immediately! I have never truly known what I wanted to do, but I have always known that I wanted to help people.

What’s one thing you wish every survivor could hear and truly believe?

That they DESERVE kindness & happiness.

What’s your go-to “pick me up” song or snack at work?

Cherry Pepsi!

If you could describe your advocacy style in three words, what would they be?

Empathetic, sincere & passionate.

What’s one thing about you that your coworkers might not even know?

That I am a survivor of sexual and domestic violence. This organization is so thoughtful, caring and non-judgmental, which makes it easy to share with others, so I have already done so.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

"Ask An Advocate" - interview with Overnight Shelter Advocate Barbara Bunker

“Ask An Advocate” – interview with Overnight Shelter Advocate Barbara Bunker

Posted on by Anniston

We are kicking off Domestic Violence Awareness Month by celebrating the heart of Options – our advocates. Every day and every night, they are the ones ensuring survivors feel safe, supported, and never alone.

To begin this series, we’re honored to highlight Barbara Bunker, our longest-serving staff member. Barbara has been with Options for an incredible 18 years and currently serves in one of our Overnight Shelter Advocate positions. Her dedication and compassion have made her a steady presence for countless survivors over nearly two decades.

Through this “Ask an Advocate” series, you’ll get a glimpse into the people behind the work – what inspires them, how they cope with challenges, and why they continue to show up, day after day, for survivors in our community.

If you’d like to revisit our previous “Ask an Advocate” series, you can find one here. And be sure to stay tuned – throughout Domestic Violence Awareness Month we’ll continue sharing more advocate profiles, shining a light on the incredible people who make Options what it is.

Now, let’s dive into Barbara’s interview!

What is your name, title, and how long have you worked at Options?

 Barbara Bunker, Overnight Shelter Advocate, I have worked here 18 years. 

What does a “day in the life” of your role actually look like, and how does it change from day to day?

A typical day of work looks like:  arriving at work at 11 p.m., having shift report, getting on the computer and checking my emails. Then I clean the shelter house for an hour or two and make sure the coffee is ready for the new day.  I usually also unload the dishwasher and wipe off the counters in the kitchen.  Rene’ and I catch up on each other’s lives and watch TV for a while. We visit with any survivors who want to talk during the night.  We also do a little computer work. Each night, our main duty is to listen for the hotline and do transportations whenever necessary or go on SANE’s if we need to. Each morning we do a shift report and I go home for the day. 

What’s the hardest part of saying goodbye to a survivor who’s moving on?

The hardest part of saying goodbye to a survivor who is moving on is the fact that you may never see this person again. 

What’s a small “win” that makes you feel like the work you do really matters?

When the survivor goes on to live a successful life, you feel like you had a part in helping them.

What’s a behind-the-scenes moment you’re proud of but few people would ever know about?

Staying up late listening to a survivor to later hear them say “thanks” and that they appreciate you listening to them. 

What’s a ritual or habit you use to transition out of “work mode” after a tough day?

On a tough day (or any day as a matter of fact) I head to the nearest McDonalds and get a French Vanilla Iced Coffee. 

Who or what do you lean on when the work feels overwhelming?

I lean on my co-worker at night when the work feels overwhelming. 

What’s something you’ve learned about yourself because of this job?

I have learned I can be a pretty good non-judgmental listener. 

If your younger self could see you now, what would they be most proud of?

If my younger self could see me now, she would be proud that I have found a job to support myself and I am helping others. 

What’s your go-to “pick me up” song or snack at work?

My favorite snack at work is ice cold water from the refrigerator. 

If you could describe your advocacy style in three words, what would they be?

My advocacy style can best be described by these three words – listen, love and laugh. 

What’s one thing about you that your coworkers might not even know?

One thing about me that my co-workers might not know is that AC/DC is my favorite band. 

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

It's Okay to Be Angry

It’s Okay to Be Angry

Posted on by Anniston

“Forgiveness will set you free.”
“You can’t heal until you forgive.”
“Holding onto anger only hurts you.”

Have you ever heard something like that before? I know I have – so many times that the words almost start to sound like an undeniable, unquestionable truth. I sat in a conference session once where the speaker just kept talking about forgiveness. They said that forgiveness can be justice, that it can free us from the power of the people who hurt us. And while I could see how that idea might resonate with some, I’ll be honest – it didn’t resonate with me.

I sat there listening, and the longer they spoke, the more I felt that heavy pit in my stomach. Because for me, forgiveness doesn’t feel like freedom. It feels like pressure. It feels like being told that my anger (the very thing that keeps me from slipping away from myself) is something shameful I needed to get rid of.

And that isn’t fair. My anger shouldn’t be used against me to make me feel bad. It shouldn’t be used against any person who has experienced harm.

Here’s the truth: it is OK to be angry. It is OK to be angry at the world. It is OK to be angry at the people who should have protected you but didn’t. It’s OK to be angry at the systems that failed you. It is OK to be angry at your abuser. It is OK to be angry simply because what happened to you should never, ever have happened. Anger doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t mean you’re bitter. It doesn’t mean you’re failing at healing. Anger means you’re human, and it means you’ve been hurt.

But the problem is, anger has a bad reputation. People hear the word “angry” and they think of screaming, violence, and destruction. That’s not what I’m talking about. Anger in itself isn’t dangerous. It’s just an emotion, like sadness or fear or joy. And when you’ve experienced abuse, anger can actually be one of the most honest responses you’ll ever feel. It’s your body’s way of saying, “That wasn’t right. I deserved better than this.”

And you did. You do.

When we talk about forgiveness in relation to abuse, I think it’s worth pausing to ask: what exactly are we being asked to forgive? Are we supposed to forgive ourselves? Because we didn’t do anything wrong. Are we supposed to forgive the systems that failed us, that looked the other way, that left us vulnerable? Or are we being asked to forgive the person who abused us – the very one who caused so much harm? And if that’s the case, why is the burden placed on us to let them off the hook? Forgiveness, when it’s framed this way, feels less like freedom and more like yet another demand on survivors. It’s no wonder so many of us bristle at the word.

The tricky part is that we’re often told that anger isn’t okay. Rather, we hear that in order to heal, we have to forgive. And sure, forgiveness can be healing for some. But it’s not the only path, and it’s not a requirement. You do not owe your abuser forgiveness. You don’t have to let go of your anger to make other people comfortable. Healing is not one-size-fits-all, and it doesn’t come with a checklist. For some people, forgiveness feels like peace. For others, peace comes from saying, “No, I won’t forgive you, and I won’t let you control my life any longer.”

Both are valid. Both are healing.

What matters most is what you do with your anger. Keeping it all bottled up is exhausting – it’s like carrying around a backpack filled with bricks. Eventually, it weighs you down. But there are healthy ways to let that energy move through you. For some, that means physical movement: running, kickboxing, even just walking until your mind clears. For others, it’s creativity: journaling, painting, writing letters you’ll never send, or singing loudly in the car with the windows up. It can also mean talking it out with someone you trust or practicing grounding strategies like deep breathing or yoga. And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is turn your anger into action. You can do things like raise awareness, speak out, or help others. Every one of these things is a way to honor your anger without letting it consume you.

Here’s what I wish more people understood: you can be angry and still be healing. Anger doesn’t mean you’re stuck. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means you are still working through what happened, and that’s not a bad thing. Healing isn’t neat. It’s not all peace and light and closure. Sometimes it’s messy and stormy. Sometimes it’s crying into your pillow at 3 a.m. Sometimes it’s rage. Sometimes it’s laughing at something silly even though part of your heart still aches. All of it counts.

And most importantly, there’s no deadline. There’s no magic moment when you’re “supposed to” let go. If you’re not ready to forgive, you don’t have to. If you’re still angry years later, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed at healing. It just means you’re human. Your journey is yours. Maybe someday you’ll forgive, maybe you won’t. Either way, your healing is still valid.

So if no one else has said this to you, let me say it now: your anger is justified. You don’t need to hide it. You don’t need to apologize for it. And you don’t need to let it be used against you. Forgiveness can be powerful, but so can anger. Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to become someone who never feels it – it’s about learning to hold it with compassion for yourself.

You’ve already survived the hardest part. Now you get to decide what to do with the fire that still burns inside you. And if all you can do today is say to yourself, “Yes, I’m angry,” that, too, is part of healing.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.

 

Dark Romance or Dark Reality: When Fantasy Crosses into Harm

Dark Romance or Dark Reality: When Fantasy Crosses into Harm

Posted on by Anniston

Reading is so back! Book clubs are thriving, libraries are bustling, and entire online communities are built around sharing book recommendations and reviews. Platforms like TikTok’s “BookTok” have introduced millions of people to genres they may never have explored before, sparking lively conversations and getting more people (especially younger readers) excited about stories again.

Undeniably, one of the largest growing genres is romance. Over the last few years, “dark romance” has gone from a niche subgenre to a publishing powerhouse. Whether on bookstore shelves, Kindle Unlimited, or featured in viral TikTok videos, stories compacted with “morally gray” love interests, dangerous obsession, and even non-consensual encounters are drawing millions of readers. And so, what once lived in the corners of online fanfiction forums and small indie presses is now front and center in bookstores and bestseller lists. Readers are eating up the motorcycle-helmet-wearing, gun-toting, dark-haired, dark-eyed, “I’ll burn the world down for you,” types.

The term “dark romance” comes from the way these stories deliberately step into themes that are heavier, more intense, and often taboo compared to traditional romance. While standard romance novels usually highlight love, trust, and happy endings, dark romance explores the shadow side of relationships – obsession, power imbalances, moral ambiguity, violence, or betrayal. The “darkness” isn’t just about the setting or mood, but about the emotional and ethical risks the characters take. For many readers, that darkness creates a sense of danger and intensity that makes the eventual romance feel more dramatic and consuming.

Here’s a little bit of an aside since I am a literature nerd: It’s important to note that dark romance isn’t the same as gothic romance, though the two are often confused. Gothic romance, which has roots in 18th- and 19th-century literature, typically features haunted settings, mysterious atmospheres, and a sense of suspense that surrounds the love story. Dark romance, by contrast, centers less on spooky castles or eerie landscapes and more on the psychological and emotional “darkness” within the characters and their relationships. Where gothic romance leans on atmosphere, dark romance leans on moral tension.

For many, these stories offer an intense escape. It’s got high stakes, deep emotions, and the thrill of “love against all odds,” making for addictive reading. But, as the popularity of dark romance grows, so does an uncomfortable trend: the romanticization of rape fantasies and abusive dynamics.

This doesn’t mean everyone who enjoys these books is condoning real-life abuse – far from it. Many readers can separate fiction from reality. Still, the way these fantasies are written, consumed, and talked about can blur lines in ways that have real-world consequences. To be entirely transparent – I am an avid enjoyer of fantasy romance and have consumed dark romance novels before. I understand the appeal. It is just important to me, as a survivor advocate, that we are reflecting on the way we discuss these books in our social spaces as well.

With that said – let’s unpack why this genre resonates with so many people, why certain aspects raise concerns, and how we can talk about it without shaming anyone for what they enjoy.

Why Dark Romance Appeals to Readers

  1. Escapism and heightened emotion.
    Romance novels of all kinds are built on fantasy. Dark romance simply turns up the intensity. Readers know the stakes are fictional, which can make it feel “safe” to explore dangerous scenarios on the page.
  2. The allure of transformation.
    A recurring theme in dark romance is the “redeemable” villain: the cold, cruel, or violent love interest who becomes tender and devoted to one person. This idea that love can transform someone is compelling, especially for those who’ve experienced unreliable or inconsistent affection in real life.
  3. Control in a controlled space.
    For some, reading about non-consensual scenes in fiction can be a way to explore taboo fantasies without any actual risk. Because the reader is in control (as in, they can put the book down or skip scenes) it can feel empowering in a way that real-life situations never could.

Where the Harm Can Happen

  1. Reinforcing harmful myths.
    When stories portray assault as a steppingstone to love or imply that “deep down” the victim wanted/enjoyed/condoned it, they reinforce dangerous ideas – the same myths survivors hear in courtrooms, police stations, and everyday conversations. These narratives can make it harder for survivors to be believed and for society to recognize coercion for what it is.
  2. Blurring consent lines.
    In some dark romances, there’s no clear acknowledgment of consent or the lack of it. This can normalize the idea that boundaries are negotiable if the person is attractive enough or “really loves you.”
  3. Impact on younger or less experienced readers.
    Adults may be able to compartmentalize fantasy from reality, but younger readers (or those without much relationship experience) may take these dynamics at face value. Without proper context, controlling or violent behavior can start to look romantic instead of abusive.

Having the Conversation Without Shaming Readers

The reality is, telling someone “You shouldn’t read that,” almost always shuts down the conversation. It can make people defensive and less willing to reflect critically on what they consume. Instead, we can approach the discussion with curiosity and respect.

We have to acknowledge the separation between fantasy and reality. It’s important to validate that fantasies don’t always reflect our values or desires in real life. Someone can read about a kidnapping in a novel without wanting to experience it outside the pages. Recognizing this makes readers more willing to engage in honest dialogue.

Additionally, we need to ask ourselves (and others) critical questions. Instead of telling someone a book is harmful, ask: “How do you feel about the way the author handled consent?” or “Do you think this relationship would work in real life?” This opens the door for reflection without assigning guilt. Bringing in survivor-center perspectives could also be an important way to share the ways certain tropes mirror real-life abuse can help readers understand the stakes without attacking their preferences. For example: “Some survivors have shared that seeing assault romanticized in fiction feels invalidating – like their pain is being turned into entertainment.” Finally, we can promote stories with healthy depictions of intimacy without banning others. It’s possible to recommend romance novels that explore dark themes responsibly, showing clear consent, respect, and recovery, while still allowing room for people to enjoy more extreme fictional scenarios.

Why This Matters

Imagine a college student who stumbles onto a few popular dark romance titles through social media. At first, she reads them for the drama and intensity, swept up in the idea of a love so consuming it feels dangerous. The characters fight, break each other’s trust, and cross boundaries – yet the story always frames these behaviors as proof of passion. Over time, she starts to internalize those patterns: the jealous outbursts, the possessive control, the way “no” is often ignored until it becomes “yes.” Without realizing it, she begins to see these dynamics as part of what passionate love is supposed to look like.

When her own partner starts checking her phone, isolating her from friends, or pushing her sexual boundaries, she brushes it off as normal and flattering because it mirrors the behaviors she’s been reading about. Instead of recognizing red flags, she interprets them as signs that her partner must really care. What started as harmless escapism slowly shifts her expectations of relationships, normalizing abuse in ways that make it harder for her to set boundaries or recognize unhealthy behavior.

Options works with survivors every day who have been told they “must have wanted it” or “should have fought harder.” Unfortunately, these are harmful myths that can be reinforced by careless storytelling. When books portray sexual violence or stalking as a prelude to romance, they feed into the very misconceptions that allow abuse to continue in our communities.

I’m not here to police anyone’s bookshelf. People will always be drawn to intense, dramatic, even dangerous love stories. But we can (and should) talk about how those stories are written, marketed, and understood. By encouraging conversations about consent, boundaries, and respect, we make it easier for readers to enjoy their fiction while still recognizing harmful dynamics in real life.

Fiction is powerful. It shapes the way we think about love, sex, and relationships – often more than we realize. Enjoying a dark romance doesn’t mean you support abuse, but it’s worth asking: What stories are we telling ourselves about love? And do they align with the kind of relationships we truly want?

Let’s keep the conversation open, respectful, and grounded in the real-world impact of the narratives we consume. Because when we understand the difference between fantasy and reality, we give ourselves (and each other) the tools to recognize, demand, and celebrate healthy, consensual love.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.

Hidden Abuse: How Abusers Exploit Disabilities

Hidden Abuse: How Abusers Exploit Disabilities

Posted on by Anniston

Domestic violence affects every community – but the risk is even higher for people with disabilities, who too often go unheard and unseen. July is Disability Awareness Month. This is a time to celebrate the contributions and resilience of people with disabilities, and it is also a time to confront some hard truths. One reality that too often goes unspoken is the high risk of domestic and intimate partner violence (IPV) that people with disabilities face.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, people with disabilities are more than twice as likely to experience violent victimization than people without disabilities. This includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse – and it often comes with unique forms of control and harm that non-disabled people may never have to think about.

So why does this happen, and how do abusers use disability as a tool of power?

When Caregiving Becomes Control

For some survivors, an abusive partner is also their caregiver. They may help with mobility, daily living tasks, medication, transportation, or communication. This dependence can quickly become an avenue for manipulation.

Abusers may withhold or ration medication, refuse to assist with feeding or bathing, sabotage medical appointments, or threaten to abandon the person altogether. These actions are not just neglectful – they are abusive. By threatening a disabled person’s health or safety, the abuser keeps them trapped in fear.

In some cases, the abuser might intentionally make a survivor’s disability worse. This could be done by purposefully giving them the wrong medication, causing injuries, or preventing them from accessing needed equipment or medical care.

This dynamic is sometimes called caregiver abuse, and it’s more common than many realize. Unfortunately, it’s also underreported, partly because the survivor may not know where else to turn or may fear they won’t be believed. Or, it is so normalized that they do not recognize it as abuse.

Taking Away Tools for Independence

For people with disabilities, tools like wheelchairs, hearing aids, prosthetics, communication devices, or service animals can mean the difference between dependence and independence. Abusers often know this – and they use it against survivors.

An abuser might hide or destroy mobility aids, refuse to help with maintenance or repairs, or prevent someone from using adaptive devices altogether. They might threaten to harm or get rid of a service animal, knowing that doing so would severely limit the survivor’s freedom.

These acts are a direct attack on a survivor’s autonomy and freedom of movement. They make it harder for survivors to leave, reach out for help, or even communicate that abuse is happening.

Isolation and Silencing

People with disabilities already face barriers to community life and social connection. Abusers often make this worse by isolating their partner from supportive friends, family, or services.

For example, they might discourage or prevent the survivor from attending medical appointments alone, speaking privately with a provider, or using online or phone-based resources. Survivors with sensory, intellectual, or communication disabilities may find it even harder to tell someone what’s happening when the abuser is always present or actively intercepting calls, emails, or messages.

Silencing someone who already faces barriers to being heard is a devastating tactic — and it’s one reason abuse in the disability community is so often hidden in plain sight.

Why Reporting and Support Can Be Harder

Even when survivors want to seek help, the systems designed to protect them aren’t always accessible.

  • Many domestic violence shelters and crisis centers still have physical barriers, like stairs and narrow hallways, that make them unusable for people with mobility devices.
  • Some shelters may not allow service animals.
  • Survivors with hearing or vision disabilities may not have interpreters or accessible formats when they reach out for help.
  • Police, courts, and medical staff may not be trained to recognize signs of abuse in disabled people, and myths about disability can lead to survivors not being believed.

These gaps highlight why it’s so critical to make domestic violence services truly accessible for all survivors — including survivors with disabilities.

Accessible Safety Planning: Meeting Survivors Where They Are

Safety planning is a key part of domestic violence advocacy — and for survivors with disabilities, it needs to be customized to address unique risks. Here are a few core ideas for accessible safety planning:

– Keep critical items accessible. Help the survivor plan how to safely store backups of medications, mobility aids, batteries, or assistive technology — ideally in a place the abuser can’t easily find or control.

– Emergency contacts and safe places. Work with the survivor to identify trusted friends, neighbors, or agencies who understand their disability needs and can help if they need to leave quickly.

– Transportation plans. Discuss options for accessible transportation if the survivor needs to escape — for example, does the local shelter have a lift van? Do they need help arranging paratransit or a trusted driver?

– Service animals. Make sure safety plans include safe arrangements for service animals –  they should never be left behind.

– Communication support. If the survivor uses an interpreter, communication device, or alternative format, make sure crisis lines and advocates can communicate in a way that works for them.

– Legal and medical backups. Help the survivor gather copies of important documents, prescriptions, and medical instructions, and store them in a safe place or with a trusted person.

Accessible safety planning recognizes that there is no “one size fits all.” It centers the survivor’s unique needs and abilities and it honors their right to autonomy, safety, and dignity.

This Disability Awareness Month, let’s commit to lifting up the voices of disabled survivors, challenging ableism in our communities, and advocating for services that work for everyone.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.

Not Your Secret to Tell: Outing as a Form of Control and Abuse

Not Your Secret to Tell: Outing as a Form of Control and Abuse

Posted on by Anniston

June is Pride Month! This is a time to celebrate LGBTQ+ identities, honor queer history, and advocate for a safer, more inclusive world. While much of the month is rightly filled with joy, it’s also a crucial opportunity to shed light on the unique forms of violence and abuse LGBTQ+ individuals continue to face. One such form of abuse, often overlooked in mainstream conversations, is the act of outing – the disclosure of someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity without their consent.

Outing is not just a breach of trust or privacy. In the context of abusive relationships, outing is a deliberate and powerful tool of control, fear, and manipulation. For many LGBTQ+ individuals, the threat of being outed can be just as harmful as physical violence (or even lead to physical violence) – especially when it comes from someone they love or trust.

What Is Outing?

Outing is the act of revealing another person’s LGBTQ+ identity to others without their permission. This could include telling a person’s family, employer, classmates, religious community, or social circle about their sexual orientation or gender identity before that person is ready or safe to share that information themselves.

Outing can happen publicly or privately, maliciously or carelessly, but the common denominator is this: it removes the survivor’s autonomy over their identity and often puts them in harm’s way.

How Outing Becomes a Tool of Abuse

In abusive relationships, whether romantic, familial, or platonic, the threat of outing is often used to control LGBTQ+ individuals. Here’s how:

  1. Coercion and Manipulation

An abuser may threaten to out a partner to force them to stay in the relationship, comply with demands, or remain silent about abuse. For example, a bisexual person in a relationship with someone of the same gender might be threatened with being outed to their employer or family members that have expressed bad feelings towards the LGBTQ+ community.

This threat can feel paralyzing. Survivors are forced to weigh the trauma of staying against the danger of being outed in unsafe environments – an impossible decision.

  1. Social Isolation

Outing can be used to sever the survivor’s support network. If someone hasn’t come out to family or friends, an abuser might threaten to or actually tell those people, knowing it could result in rejection or hostility. The survivor is then left isolated and more dependent on the abuser for emotional or financial support.

  1. Economic Control

In many workplaces, especially in areas with limited LGBTQ+ protections, being outed can jeopardize someone’s employment. An abuser may leverage this fear to control financial decisions, restrict access to income, or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship.

  1. Outing as Punishment

Sometimes, an abuser will out a survivor as a form of retaliation. Such as after a breakup, after an argument, or if the survivor discloses the abuse to someone else. This vindictive act is meant to shame, humiliate, or endanger the survivor, and it often works.

The Real-World Impact of Being Outed

Being outed can have devastating consequences. LGBTQ+ people (especially youth, people of color, and those living in rural or conservative areas) face heightened risks of:

  • Family rejection and homelessness
  • Harassment, bullying, or physical violence
  • Employment discrimination or job loss
  • Mental health crises, including depression, anxiety, and suicidality
  • Loss of custody or parental rights in family court settings

According to The Trevor Project, 28% of LGBTQ+ youth who were outed against their will reported feeling unsafe in their own homes afterward. And nearly 40% of homeless youth in the U.S. identify as LGBTQ+, with family rejection or forced outing cited as primary causes.

Why This Matters During Pride Month

Pride Month is a celebration of visibility, but it should also be a reminder that coming out must always be a choice. LGBTQ+ people have a right to safety, privacy, and autonomy. When that choice is taken away through abuse, it’s not just a violation of trust – it’s an act of violence.

Abusers who use outing as a weapon exploit the very thing Pride seeks to reclaim: identity. The fear of being “found out” continues to silence survivors, keeping them trapped in dangerous situations.

As advocates, allies, and service providers, we must recognize outing for what it is: a form of abuse.

What Can We Do?

  1. Believe LGBTQ+ Survivors

Too often, LGBTQ+ survivors are dismissed, especially when abuse doesn’t look like the stereotypical narratives we’re used to seeing. Understand that emotional abuse, threats, and outing are real and valid forms of harm.

  1. Create Inclusive Resources

Make sure domestic and sexual violence services are visibly LGBTQ+-affirming. Use inclusive language, offer staff training, and create safety plans that account for the risk of outing.

  1. Center Confidentiality

Never assume someone is “out.” Ask survivors what name, pronouns, or identity details are safe to use and with whom. Respect their boundaries, even if you think “everyone already knows.”

  1. Advocate for Legal Protections

Support nondiscrimination policies that protect LGBTQ+ individuals in housing, employment, education, and healthcare. Legal protections reduce the power of outing as a weapon.

  1. Uplift Community Voices

Listen to and amplify the voices of LGBTQ+ survivors, especially those who are trans, nonbinary, or people of color. Their lived experiences are critical to shaping safer, more responsive systems.

Outing is not just a personal betrayal – it’s a public danger. Abuse doesn’t always leave visible scars. Sometimes, it’s a text message that threatens to “tell everyone.” Sometimes, it’s the unspoken power of what someone knows about you.

This Pride Month, let’s celebrate by committing to safety, dignity, and choice – for everyone.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

Strangulation - Let's talk about it

Strangulation – Let’s talk about it

Posted on by Anniston

Strangulation is one of the most dangerous and terrifying forms of abuse, yet it often leaves behind no visible scars. It’s a method of control that is far more common than many realize – and far more deadly. Survivors of domestic and sexual violence may experience strangulation at the hands of an abuser not just once, but repeatedly, often without ever receiving medical attention or realizing the severity of the harm inflicted on their bodies.

This blog post will explore how abusers use strangulation as a tool of power and control, the medical dangers of being strangled (even “just once”) and why it’s critical to take every incident of strangulation seriously.

What Is Strangulation?

Strangulation occurs when pressure is applied to the neck, restricting blood flow and/or airflow. There are two main types: manual strangulation, which involves the use of hands, and ligature strangulation, which involves an object such as a rope, belt, scarf, or even a piece of clothing. In both cases, the goal is to exert control, instill fear, or render the victim unconscious.

Sometimes when a victim is reporting being strangled, they’ll say something like, “They were choking me!”

Unlike choking, which involves blockage of the airway from inside the throat (like when food gets stuck), strangulation is external – It involves force from the outside that compresses the neck. This distinction is critical because strangulation is a deliberate, violent act, often used in abusive relationships to establish dominance and instill terror.

Strangulation as a Tool of Power and Control

In abusive relationships, strangulation is rarely random. It is highly intentional and often escalates over time. An abuser may use strangulation as a way to “punish” a survivor for speaking out, trying to leave, or asserting autonomy. Survivors frequently report that it is one of the most frightening forms of abuse they’ve experienced.

Strangulation sends a clear message: I can kill you – and I can do it with my bare hands. Many survivors recall abusers saying things like “I could kill you right now and no one would know,” or “This won’t even leave a mark.” Unfortunately, that’s often true.

No Marks Doesn’t Mean No Harm

One of the most dangerous misconceptions about strangulation is that if there are no bruises or red marks, there’s no real harm done. But the truth is that only about 15% of strangulation victims have significant visible injuries on the outside of their neck. (By
“significant” we mean able to be photographed as evidence). This is because the pressure applied during strangulation often compresses blood vessels, airways, and soft tissue beneath the skin, leaving minimal external signs.

Even when marks are present, they may fade within hours or days. Internal injuries, on the other hand, can cause lasting damage or even death days or weeks after the assault. Some methods of strangulation intentionally do not leave marks on their victims as well – something an experienced abuser may be aware of.

Some of the internal injuries that can occur from strangulation include:

  • Carotid artery dissection (a tear in the artery wall that can lead to stroke)
  • Tracheal (windpipe) damage
  • Swelling of the throat, leading to delayed airway obstruction
  • Brain damage from lack of oxygen (even if unconsciousness doesn’t occur)
  • Vocal cord injuries
  • Blood clots

The “Momentary” Myth

Many survivors (and sometimes even professionals) minimize strangulation by calling it a “brief” or “momentary” act. But the human brain starts to suffer damage after just 10 seconds without oxygen. Unconsciousness can occur within 6 to 10 seconds of full compression, and death can follow within minutes. It takes 4.4 pounds of pressure placed on the jugular to render someone unconscious (for reference, that’s less pressure than it takes to fire a handgun).

Even if someone remains conscious, the effects of a single strangulation incident can be severe. Survivors might experience:

  • Headaches
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Memory loss
  • Changes in voice
  • Vision problems
  • PTSD or panic attacks triggered by sensations around the neck
  • Difficulty swallowing or breathing

Moreover, being strangled once increases the risk of future lethal violence by 750%. In cases of domestic homicide, many victims had previously been strangled by their partner, often without seeking medical attention. Strangulation is the highest predictor of murder in domestic/sexual violence cases.

Why Survivors Often Don’t Report It

Strangulation is deeply traumatic, and survivors may be confused, disoriented, or afraid to talk about it. The lack of visible injuries can make them feel like they won’t be believed. Some may not even realize what happened to them qualifies as strangulation, especially if they remained conscious or were gasping rather than completely unable to breathe.

Additionally, many survivors fear retaliation if they report the abuse. An abuser who is willing to strangle someone is signaling their capacity for extreme violence. Survivors are often navigating complex emotional and safety dynamics and may feel trapped, isolated, or silenced.

Misunderstanding of “Rough Sex”

Photo by Matheus Marcondes on Unsplash

Another layer of complexity is the increasing normalization of strangulation in the context of “rough sex.” Strangulation has become a frequent theme in pornography and pop culture, where it’s often depicted as edgy or exciting. As a result, some people, particularly younger individuals, are growing up believing that choking is just a regular part of sexual activity.

This belief system is dangerous and rooted in a misunderstanding of consent. Consent must be enthusiastic, informed, specific, and freely given at all times. When strangulation is introduced without clear communication, or when someone feels pressured into accepting it to please a partner, it ceases to be consensual and becomes violent.

Many survivors report being choked during sex without warning, discussion, or agreement. In some cases, an abuser will later claim it was “just sex” to downplay the severity of the act or deflect accountability. But whether strangulation happens during a fight or during sex, the medical risks are exactly the same – and they are serious.

The human body doesn’t differentiate between a hand around the throat during a physical assault and one during an intimate act. Reduced oxygen to the brain is life-threatening, no matter the context. It’s critical to challenge the idea that because something happens behind closed doors or within a relationship, it’s automatically consensual or safe.

Medical Attention Is Crucial

If you or someone you know has been strangled, even if you feel “fine” afterward, it is critical to seek medical care immediately. A trained provider can perform the necessary imaging (like CT scans or MRIs) to detect internal injuries. Delayed swelling, blood clots, or strokes can occur days or even weeks later.

Some communities have strangulation response protocols, where trained advocates and forensic nurses work together to document injuries and support survivors. If your community does not have this in place, reach out to a domestic or sexual violence agency for help navigating medical and legal systems.

What You Can Do

  • Believe survivors. If someone discloses that they were strangled, take it seriously—regardless of whether you see physical injuries.
  • Educate yourself and others. Talk about strangulation and its risks. Help dispel the myth that it’s “not a big deal” if no marks are left behind.
  • Support legislation. In many states, strangulation is now a felony offense even without visible injuries, due to the recognized danger. Advocate for similar policies in your area.
  • Reach out for help. If you’ve been strangled or fear for your safety, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233), or seek immediate medical care. You can also reach out directly to Options Domestic and Sexual Violence Services and an advocate can assist you in getting the help you need. 

Strangulation is not just “rough” behavior or an act of anger—it is a deadly warning sign. Survivors of this form of abuse deserve to be heard, believed, and protected. By educating ourselves and others, we can break the silence around strangulation and create a safer, more informed community.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

 

This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.

Gaslighting, Coercion, and Control: When Abuse Messes with Your Mind

Gaslighting, Coercion, and Control: When Abuse Messes with Your Mind

Posted on by Anniston

When we think about abuse, we often picture bruises or broken bones. But some of the most devastating wounds aren’t visible at all. Emotional abuse – especially gaslighting – is one of the most insidious forms of control used in both domestic and sexual violence. It doesn’t leave physical scars, but it can distort a survivor’s sense of reality, erode their confidence, and leave them questioning their own thoughts, feelings, and memories. May is Mental Health Awareness Month – so we wanted to take the opportunity to talk about how devastating the effects of emotional abuse can be on someone’s mental state, and how it can silently unravel a person’s well-being over time.

I’m sure by this point you have heard the term “gaslighting” used in conversation (or seen it on social media). The term has been casually used to describe a situation when someone is not telling the truth. It, however, is much more detrimental than just another form of lying.

Over time, gaslighting can dismantle a person’s mental health from the inside out. Gaslighting is a tactic of psychological manipulation in which one person tries to make another doubt their perceptions, memories, or sanity. It’s not always easy to identify, especially in the beginning. It may start with small comments like, “You’re remembering that wrong,” or “You’re too sensitive,” and gradually escalate to full-blown denial of events, blame-shifting, or rewriting history. In abusive relationships, gaslighting is used to maintain power and control. It is used to keep the survivor dependent, confused, and isolated.

Imagine living with someone who constantly tells you that your feelings are irrational, your memory is flawed, or your concerns are overreactions. Over time, you may begin to wonder: “Maybe I really am too emotional. Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I don’t trust myself.” This kind of emotional manipulation breaks down a person’s self-trust and replaces it with self-doubt, shame, and anxiety.

Many survivors of domestic or sexual violence report feeling like they’re “going crazy,” when in reality, they’re responding appropriately to an unsafe and controlling environment. Gaslighting makes that response feel wrong or invalid. It causes a deep rupture in mental health – one that can look like depression, confusion, low self-esteem, and even post-traumatic stress. People who’ve experienced gaslighting may struggle to make decisions, trust others, or even recognize abuse when it happens again.

Gaslighting also works hand-in-hand with coercion. Coercive control is about dominating another person through psychological manipulation, isolation, intimidation, and micromanagement of their life. Together, coercion and gaslighting create a trap: the survivor feels unable to leave, unable to speak up, and unable to trust their own ability to assess danger. It’s like being in a mental maze with no way out.

So how do you recognize gaslighting when it’s happening? Some common signs include:

  • Constantly second-guessing yourself or your memories
  • Apologizing all the time, even when you’re not sure why
  • Feeling confused or “off” after conversations with your partner
  • Being told that you’re “too emotional,” “crazy,” or “making things up”
  • Not being able to trust your instincts
  • Withdrawing from friends or loved ones because you’re afraid they’ll see the truth, or because your abuser says they’re “bad influences”

It’s important to understand that gaslighting isn’t just a communication issue – it’s abuse. It’s not about miscommunication or a difference in perspective; it’s a deliberate strategy to destabilize and control.

But as overwhelming as it can be, there are ways to begin reclaiming your reality and your mental health. One of the first steps is naming the behavior for what it is. Giving it a name – gaslighting – can be incredibly powerful. It tells you that you’re not imagining things, and that others have experienced it too. It also affirms that your confusion is not a personal failure, but a symptom of emotional abuse.

Documentation can also be a helpful tool. Keeping a journal, even just jotting down events and how they made you feel, can help you reconnect with your own memory and intuition. Reading your own words back can provide clarity over time and remind you that your experiences are valid.

Talking to someone you trust (a friend, a therapist, or an advocate) can also break the isolation that gaslighting creates. When someone else can affirm your experience and help you untangle what’s happening, it’s easier to rebuild your sense of self. If talking feels too hard, even reading survivor stories or forums online can help validate your experience and reduce the sense of being alone.

Perhaps most importantly, healing from gaslighting means learning to trust yourself again. That’s not something that happens overnight. It starts with small steps: trusting your gut on something minor, saying “no” when you mean it, recognizing red flags, or even just noticing when someone tries to make you feel small. Each step builds a little more confidence. Over time, survivors can learn to see gaslighting for what it is: a manipulation tactic, not a reflection of who they are.

Gaslighting messes with your mind in ways that are deeply damaging, but healing is possible. Survivors deserve support that honors their truth and affirms their reality. Mental Health Awareness Month is a good time to remember that emotional abuse is abuse, and that psychological wounds deserve just as much care and recognition as physical ones. No one should be made to doubt their worth, their experience, or their sanity at the hands of someone who claims to love them.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month Events 2025

Sexual Assault Awareness Month Events 2025

Posted on by Anniston

Options has several community activities and exhibits coming up during April in recognition of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Below is a list of all of the public events that community members are encouraged to attend or visit.

Ellis County Community Forum

Date: March 29

Location: Hays Public Library

Time: 9:30 a.m. – 10:30 a.m.

Options and Jana’s Campaign will present the findings from last year’s Quality of Life Needs Assessment and gather community input on where to focus our next efforts. We want to hear from YOU to help our community safe!

 

What Were You Wearing? Art Exhibit

Date: March 31-April 4

Location: Fort Hays State University, Taylor Gallery

Time: 9 a.m. – 5 p.m.

Join Options and Jana’s Campaign in this exhibit that highlights real survivor stories. This art installation challenges the belief that what a person was wearing attributed to their sexual assault.  An advocate will be present during open hours.

 

Walk a Mile in Her Shoes

Date: April 10

Location: Fort Hays State University

Time: 2:30pm

There is an old saying: “You can’t understand another person’s experience until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” To get people listening, learning, and talking, Options is joining in the Walk a Mile in Her Shoes at FHSU campus. This event is a campus-wide march to bring awareness to sexual violence.

 

Red Flag Garden

Date: April 14

Location: Fort Hays State University, Quad

Time: 12:30 p.m. – 3:00 p.m.

Us 4 U and Options are partnering to put on the Red Flag Garden to showcase problematic relationship behaviors. Each red flag we “plant” will have a different behavior that is a “warning sign” for abusive relationships.

 

What Were You Wearing? Art Exhibit

Date: April 16

Location: Colby Community College, Fireside Lounge in the Student Union

Time: 9 a.m. – 3 p.m.

This art installation challenges the belief that what a person was wearing attributed to their sexual assault. The exhibit asks viewers to understand that sexual assault is NEVER about the clothing the survivor was wearing. The sexual assault violates the survivor’s mind, physical being, and emotions; it is not simply woven into the fabric of the survivor’s clothing. An advocate will be present during open hours.

 

Walk a Mile in Her Shoes – Colby

Date: April 23

Location: Colby Community College,  Union

Time: 11 a.m. – 2 p.m.

There is an old saying: “You can’t understand another person’s experience until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” To get people listening, learning, and talking, Colby Community College and Options are hosting Walk a Mile in Her Shoes. This event is a campus-wide march to bring awareness to sexualized violence.

 

Ellis County Community Forum

Date: April 24

Location: Hays Public Library, Schmidt Gallery

Time: 7 p.m. – 8 p.m.

Options and Jana’s Campaign will present the findings from last year’s Quality of Life Needs Assessment and gather community input on where to focus our next efforts. We want to hear from YOU to help our community safe!

 

Spring Art Walk and Hays High School Student Advisory Bake Sale

Date: April 26

Location: Eclectic Threads (1012 Main St, Hays)

Time: 10 a.m. – 4 p.m.

The Hays High School Student Advisory Board will be present at the Spring Art Walk for a bake sale where all proceeds will be donated to Options. There will be delicious goods of all kinds (cookies, breads, cereal bars, etc.).

Also join us for our new art installation, “Not Just An Object.” This exhibit features stories from local survivors regarding their experience with sexual assault

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll free helpline by calling 800-794-4624. You can also reach us via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click “Chat with an Advocate” on the right of your screen.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

Reproductive Coercion: When Abuse Interferes with Bodily Autonomy

Reproductive Coercion: When Abuse Interferes with Bodily Autonomy

Posted on by Anniston

March is Women’s History Month, a time to reflect on the progress made in advancing women’s rights while also acknowledging the challenges that persist. One of the most pressing yet under-discussed issues affecting women today is reproductive coercion—a form of abuse that strips individuals of their bodily autonomy and endangers their health and safety.

As we use this month to celebrate the resilience and achievements of women throughout history, it is crucial to also shed light on this pervasive issue, especially given its ties to maternal mortality and domestic violence.

What is Reproductive Coercion?

When we think about domestic violence, we often focus on physical abuse, emotional manipulation, or financial control.

However, another insidious form of abuse is lurking beneath. Reproductive coercion is a form of control where an abuser manipulates or dictates a survivor’s reproductive choices. This form of abuse (like all abuse) is deeply tied to power and control, aiming to strip autonomy from a person’s body, future, and ability to make life-altering decisions on their own terms.

Reproductive coercion refers to behaviors that interfere with a person’s reproductive autonomy, including:

  • Birth control sabotage – An abuser may hide, tamper with, or refuse to allow the use of contraception. “Stealthing” is another form of birth control sabotage commonly seen in younger populations. This act is when a male partner removes a condom (despite previously agreeing to wear one) without the consent of their partner.   
  • Pregnancy pressure or coercion – Forcing or manipulating a partner into pregnancy or, conversely, coercing them into terminating a pregnancy.
  • Control over reproductive healthcare – Preventing access to doctors, forcing specific medical decisions (like sterilization), or refusing to allow the survivor to make independent choices about their body.
  • Intentional spread of STDs – Some abusers may contract (either by infidelity or otherwise), then intentionally spread, their sexually transmitted disease. With the stigma surrounding STDs in general, this could be used to keep control over their partner.

This form of control can be incredibly isolating and dangerous. Survivors may feel trapped in a relationship because pregnancy or parenting ties them to their abuser, or they may be denied the ability to make crucial decisions about their own health and future.

Reproductive coercion is rarely an isolated behavior. It often exists alongside other forms of abuse. A partner who engages in reproductive coercion is asserting dominance and control over their victim in the most personal way possible. And, if a woman is experiencing abuse prior to becoming pregnant, research indicates that the abuse can escalate in severity during pregnancy.

Homicide: The Leading Cause of Death in Pregnant Women

Perhaps one of the most chilling statistics related to reproductive coercion and domestic violence is the fact that homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the United States. A 2022 study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology found that pregnant women are more likely to be killed than to die from medical complications related to pregnancy and childbirth. In many cases, these homicides are committed by intimate partners who escalate violence in response to pregnancy.

Why does pregnancy increase a person’s risk of homicide? There are several possible factors:

  • Pregnancy can increase dependency, making it harder for someone to leave an abusive relationship.
  • An abuser may view pregnancy as a loss of control, leading to more extreme violence. Additionally, an abuser may become jealous that they are receiving less attention from their pregnant partner – whether that be sexual attention or otherwise.
  • Financial pressures and stressors associated with an impending child can escalate conflict.

These factors make reproductive coercion not only a matter of autonomy but also one of life and death.

The Impact on Maternal Mortality

Reproductive coercion contributes to maternal mortality, particularly among marginalized groups. Black and Indigenous women, who already face disproportionately high maternal mortality rates, are also at higher risk for IPV and reproductive coercion. Lack of access to healthcare, systemic medical racism, and economic disparities further exacerbate the dangers they face.

Women experiencing reproductive coercion may be denied proper prenatal care, discouraged from seeking medical attention, or even physically assaulted during pregnancy. When IPV and reproductive coercion intersect, survivors face an uphill battle in maintaining both their safety and their health.

Recognizing the Signs and Seeking Help

If you or someone you know is experiencing reproductive coercion, it’s crucial to recognize the signs and seek support. Remember, some of the signs of reproductive coercion could be:

  • A partner refusing to use condoms or sabotaging birth control.
  • Feeling pressured or forced to become pregnant or terminate a pregnancy.
  • Having access to reproductive healthcare restricted by a partner.
  • Experiencing increased violence or threats after becoming pregnant.

So, what can you do to help stop this abuse from happening?

Be vigilant and informed. Addressing reproductive coercion requires both individual support for survivors and systemic change. Some key areas for improvement include:

  • Legislation protecting reproductive rights – Ensuring access to contraception, abortion care, and comprehensive reproductive healthcare that is affordable.
  • Medical training for healthcare providers – Educating doctors and nurses to recognize signs of reproductive coercion and safely intervene.
  • Increased shelter and advocacy services – Expanding support networks for survivors, particularly pregnant individuals at high risk of IPV.

Reproductive coercion is a profound violation of autonomy and safety. It is deeply intertwined with domestic violence, maternal mortality, and the broader fight for reproductive justice. Recognizing this form of abuse, supporting survivors, and advocating for systemic change are all crucial steps in protecting the health and lives of those at risk.

If you or someone you know needs support, Options Domestic and Sexual Violence Services is here to help. You are not alone, and your choices about your body and future belong to you—not an abuser.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 24-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.