Posts by Anniston

Hidden Abuse: How Abusers Exploit Disabilities

Hidden Abuse: How Abusers Exploit Disabilities

Posted on by Anniston

Domestic violence affects every community – but the risk is even higher for people with disabilities, who too often go unheard and unseen. July is Disability Awareness Month. This is a time to celebrate the contributions and resilience of people with disabilities, and it is also a time to confront some hard truths. One reality that too often goes unspoken is the high risk of domestic and intimate partner violence (IPV) that people with disabilities face.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, people with disabilities are more than twice as likely to experience violent victimization than people without disabilities. This includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse – and it often comes with unique forms of control and harm that non-disabled people may never have to think about.

So why does this happen, and how do abusers use disability as a tool of power?

When Caregiving Becomes Control

For some survivors, an abusive partner is also their caregiver. They may help with mobility, daily living tasks, medication, transportation, or communication. This dependence can quickly become an avenue for manipulation.

Abusers may withhold or ration medication, refuse to assist with feeding or bathing, sabotage medical appointments, or threaten to abandon the person altogether. These actions are not just neglectful – they are abusive. By threatening a disabled person’s health or safety, the abuser keeps them trapped in fear.

In some cases, the abuser might intentionally make a survivor’s disability worse. This could be done by purposefully giving them the wrong medication, causing injuries, or preventing them from accessing needed equipment or medical care.

This dynamic is sometimes called caregiver abuse, and it’s more common than many realize. Unfortunately, it’s also underreported, partly because the survivor may not know where else to turn or may fear they won’t be believed. Or, it is so normalized that they do not recognize it as abuse.

Taking Away Tools for Independence

For people with disabilities, tools like wheelchairs, hearing aids, prosthetics, communication devices, or service animals can mean the difference between dependence and independence. Abusers often know this – and they use it against survivors.

An abuser might hide or destroy mobility aids, refuse to help with maintenance or repairs, or prevent someone from using adaptive devices altogether. They might threaten to harm or get rid of a service animal, knowing that doing so would severely limit the survivor’s freedom.

These acts are a direct attack on a survivor’s autonomy and freedom of movement. They make it harder for survivors to leave, reach out for help, or even communicate that abuse is happening.

Isolation and Silencing

People with disabilities already face barriers to community life and social connection. Abusers often make this worse by isolating their partner from supportive friends, family, or services.

For example, they might discourage or prevent the survivor from attending medical appointments alone, speaking privately with a provider, or using online or phone-based resources. Survivors with sensory, intellectual, or communication disabilities may find it even harder to tell someone what’s happening when the abuser is always present or actively intercepting calls, emails, or messages.

Silencing someone who already faces barriers to being heard is a devastating tactic — and it’s one reason abuse in the disability community is so often hidden in plain sight.

Why Reporting and Support Can Be Harder

Even when survivors want to seek help, the systems designed to protect them aren’t always accessible.

  • Many domestic violence shelters and crisis centers still have physical barriers, like stairs and narrow hallways, that make them unusable for people with mobility devices.
  • Some shelters may not allow service animals.
  • Survivors with hearing or vision disabilities may not have interpreters or accessible formats when they reach out for help.
  • Police, courts, and medical staff may not be trained to recognize signs of abuse in disabled people, and myths about disability can lead to survivors not being believed.

These gaps highlight why it’s so critical to make domestic violence services truly accessible for all survivors — including survivors with disabilities.

Accessible Safety Planning: Meeting Survivors Where They Are

Safety planning is a key part of domestic violence advocacy — and for survivors with disabilities, it needs to be customized to address unique risks. Here are a few core ideas for accessible safety planning:

– Keep critical items accessible. Help the survivor plan how to safely store backups of medications, mobility aids, batteries, or assistive technology — ideally in a place the abuser can’t easily find or control.

– Emergency contacts and safe places. Work with the survivor to identify trusted friends, neighbors, or agencies who understand their disability needs and can help if they need to leave quickly.

– Transportation plans. Discuss options for accessible transportation if the survivor needs to escape — for example, does the local shelter have a lift van? Do they need help arranging paratransit or a trusted driver?

– Service animals. Make sure safety plans include safe arrangements for service animals –  they should never be left behind.

– Communication support. If the survivor uses an interpreter, communication device, or alternative format, make sure crisis lines and advocates can communicate in a way that works for them.

– Legal and medical backups. Help the survivor gather copies of important documents, prescriptions, and medical instructions, and store them in a safe place or with a trusted person.

Accessible safety planning recognizes that there is no “one size fits all.” It centers the survivor’s unique needs and abilities and it honors their right to autonomy, safety, and dignity.

This Disability Awareness Month, let’s commit to lifting up the voices of disabled survivors, challenging ableism in our communities, and advocating for services that work for everyone.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.

Not Your Secret to Tell: Outing as a Form of Control and Abuse

Not Your Secret to Tell: Outing as a Form of Control and Abuse

Posted on by Anniston

June is Pride Month! This is a time to celebrate LGBTQ+ identities, honor queer history, and advocate for a safer, more inclusive world. While much of the month is rightly filled with joy, it’s also a crucial opportunity to shed light on the unique forms of violence and abuse LGBTQ+ individuals continue to face. One such form of abuse, often overlooked in mainstream conversations, is the act of outing – the disclosure of someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity without their consent.

Outing is not just a breach of trust or privacy. In the context of abusive relationships, outing is a deliberate and powerful tool of control, fear, and manipulation. For many LGBTQ+ individuals, the threat of being outed can be just as harmful as physical violence (or even lead to physical violence) – especially when it comes from someone they love or trust.

What Is Outing?

Outing is the act of revealing another person’s LGBTQ+ identity to others without their permission. This could include telling a person’s family, employer, classmates, religious community, or social circle about their sexual orientation or gender identity before that person is ready or safe to share that information themselves.

Outing can happen publicly or privately, maliciously or carelessly, but the common denominator is this: it removes the survivor’s autonomy over their identity and often puts them in harm’s way.

How Outing Becomes a Tool of Abuse

In abusive relationships, whether romantic, familial, or platonic, the threat of outing is often used to control LGBTQ+ individuals. Here’s how:

  1. Coercion and Manipulation

An abuser may threaten to out a partner to force them to stay in the relationship, comply with demands, or remain silent about abuse. For example, a bisexual person in a relationship with someone of the same gender might be threatened with being outed to their employer or family members that have expressed bad feelings towards the LGBTQ+ community.

This threat can feel paralyzing. Survivors are forced to weigh the trauma of staying against the danger of being outed in unsafe environments – an impossible decision.

  1. Social Isolation

Outing can be used to sever the survivor’s support network. If someone hasn’t come out to family or friends, an abuser might threaten to or actually tell those people, knowing it could result in rejection or hostility. The survivor is then left isolated and more dependent on the abuser for emotional or financial support.

  1. Economic Control

In many workplaces, especially in areas with limited LGBTQ+ protections, being outed can jeopardize someone’s employment. An abuser may leverage this fear to control financial decisions, restrict access to income, or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship.

  1. Outing as Punishment

Sometimes, an abuser will out a survivor as a form of retaliation. Such as after a breakup, after an argument, or if the survivor discloses the abuse to someone else. This vindictive act is meant to shame, humiliate, or endanger the survivor, and it often works.

The Real-World Impact of Being Outed

Being outed can have devastating consequences. LGBTQ+ people (especially youth, people of color, and those living in rural or conservative areas) face heightened risks of:

  • Family rejection and homelessness
  • Harassment, bullying, or physical violence
  • Employment discrimination or job loss
  • Mental health crises, including depression, anxiety, and suicidality
  • Loss of custody or parental rights in family court settings

According to The Trevor Project, 28% of LGBTQ+ youth who were outed against their will reported feeling unsafe in their own homes afterward. And nearly 40% of homeless youth in the U.S. identify as LGBTQ+, with family rejection or forced outing cited as primary causes.

Why This Matters During Pride Month

Pride Month is a celebration of visibility, but it should also be a reminder that coming out must always be a choice. LGBTQ+ people have a right to safety, privacy, and autonomy. When that choice is taken away through abuse, it’s not just a violation of trust – it’s an act of violence.

Abusers who use outing as a weapon exploit the very thing Pride seeks to reclaim: identity. The fear of being “found out” continues to silence survivors, keeping them trapped in dangerous situations.

As advocates, allies, and service providers, we must recognize outing for what it is: a form of abuse.

What Can We Do?

  1. Believe LGBTQ+ Survivors

Too often, LGBTQ+ survivors are dismissed, especially when abuse doesn’t look like the stereotypical narratives we’re used to seeing. Understand that emotional abuse, threats, and outing are real and valid forms of harm.

  1. Create Inclusive Resources

Make sure domestic and sexual violence services are visibly LGBTQ+-affirming. Use inclusive language, offer staff training, and create safety plans that account for the risk of outing.

  1. Center Confidentiality

Never assume someone is “out.” Ask survivors what name, pronouns, or identity details are safe to use and with whom. Respect their boundaries, even if you think “everyone already knows.”

  1. Advocate for Legal Protections

Support nondiscrimination policies that protect LGBTQ+ individuals in housing, employment, education, and healthcare. Legal protections reduce the power of outing as a weapon.

  1. Uplift Community Voices

Listen to and amplify the voices of LGBTQ+ survivors, especially those who are trans, nonbinary, or people of color. Their lived experiences are critical to shaping safer, more responsive systems.

Outing is not just a personal betrayal – it’s a public danger. Abuse doesn’t always leave visible scars. Sometimes, it’s a text message that threatens to “tell everyone.” Sometimes, it’s the unspoken power of what someone knows about you.

This Pride Month, let’s celebrate by committing to safety, dignity, and choice – for everyone.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

Strangulation - Let's talk about it

Strangulation – Let’s talk about it

Posted on by Anniston

Strangulation is one of the most dangerous and terrifying forms of abuse, yet it often leaves behind no visible scars. It’s a method of control that is far more common than many realize – and far more deadly. Survivors of domestic and sexual violence may experience strangulation at the hands of an abuser not just once, but repeatedly, often without ever receiving medical attention or realizing the severity of the harm inflicted on their bodies.

This blog post will explore how abusers use strangulation as a tool of power and control, the medical dangers of being strangled (even “just once”) and why it’s critical to take every incident of strangulation seriously.

What Is Strangulation?

Strangulation occurs when pressure is applied to the neck, restricting blood flow and/or airflow. There are two main types: manual strangulation, which involves the use of hands, and ligature strangulation, which involves an object such as a rope, belt, scarf, or even a piece of clothing. In both cases, the goal is to exert control, instill fear, or render the victim unconscious.

Sometimes when a victim is reporting being strangled, they’ll say something like, “They were choking me!”

Unlike choking, which involves blockage of the airway from inside the throat (like when food gets stuck), strangulation is external – It involves force from the outside that compresses the neck. This distinction is critical because strangulation is a deliberate, violent act, often used in abusive relationships to establish dominance and instill terror.

Strangulation as a Tool of Power and Control

In abusive relationships, strangulation is rarely random. It is highly intentional and often escalates over time. An abuser may use strangulation as a way to “punish” a survivor for speaking out, trying to leave, or asserting autonomy. Survivors frequently report that it is one of the most frightening forms of abuse they’ve experienced.

Strangulation sends a clear message: I can kill you – and I can do it with my bare hands. Many survivors recall abusers saying things like “I could kill you right now and no one would know,” or “This won’t even leave a mark.” Unfortunately, that’s often true.

No Marks Doesn’t Mean No Harm

One of the most dangerous misconceptions about strangulation is that if there are no bruises or red marks, there’s no real harm done. But the truth is that only about 15% of strangulation victims have significant visible injuries on the outside of their neck. (By
“significant” we mean able to be photographed as evidence). This is because the pressure applied during strangulation often compresses blood vessels, airways, and soft tissue beneath the skin, leaving minimal external signs.

Even when marks are present, they may fade within hours or days. Internal injuries, on the other hand, can cause lasting damage or even death days or weeks after the assault. Some methods of strangulation intentionally do not leave marks on their victims as well – something an experienced abuser may be aware of.

Some of the internal injuries that can occur from strangulation include:

  • Carotid artery dissection (a tear in the artery wall that can lead to stroke)
  • Tracheal (windpipe) damage
  • Swelling of the throat, leading to delayed airway obstruction
  • Brain damage from lack of oxygen (even if unconsciousness doesn’t occur)
  • Vocal cord injuries
  • Blood clots

The “Momentary” Myth

Many survivors (and sometimes even professionals) minimize strangulation by calling it a “brief” or “momentary” act. But the human brain starts to suffer damage after just 10 seconds without oxygen. Unconsciousness can occur within 6 to 10 seconds of full compression, and death can follow within minutes. It takes 4.4 pounds of pressure placed on the jugular to render someone unconscious (for reference, that’s less pressure than it takes to fire a handgun).

Even if someone remains conscious, the effects of a single strangulation incident can be severe. Survivors might experience:

  • Headaches
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Memory loss
  • Changes in voice
  • Vision problems
  • PTSD or panic attacks triggered by sensations around the neck
  • Difficulty swallowing or breathing

Moreover, being strangled once increases the risk of future lethal violence by 750%. In cases of domestic homicide, many victims had previously been strangled by their partner, often without seeking medical attention. Strangulation is the highest predictor of murder in domestic/sexual violence cases.

Why Survivors Often Don’t Report It

Strangulation is deeply traumatic, and survivors may be confused, disoriented, or afraid to talk about it. The lack of visible injuries can make them feel like they won’t be believed. Some may not even realize what happened to them qualifies as strangulation, especially if they remained conscious or were gasping rather than completely unable to breathe.

Additionally, many survivors fear retaliation if they report the abuse. An abuser who is willing to strangle someone is signaling their capacity for extreme violence. Survivors are often navigating complex emotional and safety dynamics and may feel trapped, isolated, or silenced.

Misunderstanding of “Rough Sex”

Photo by Matheus Marcondes on Unsplash

Another layer of complexity is the increasing normalization of strangulation in the context of “rough sex.” Strangulation has become a frequent theme in pornography and pop culture, where it’s often depicted as edgy or exciting. As a result, some people, particularly younger individuals, are growing up believing that choking is just a regular part of sexual activity.

This belief system is dangerous and rooted in a misunderstanding of consent. Consent must be enthusiastic, informed, specific, and freely given at all times. When strangulation is introduced without clear communication, or when someone feels pressured into accepting it to please a partner, it ceases to be consensual and becomes violent.

Many survivors report being choked during sex without warning, discussion, or agreement. In some cases, an abuser will later claim it was “just sex” to downplay the severity of the act or deflect accountability. But whether strangulation happens during a fight or during sex, the medical risks are exactly the same – and they are serious.

The human body doesn’t differentiate between a hand around the throat during a physical assault and one during an intimate act. Reduced oxygen to the brain is life-threatening, no matter the context. It’s critical to challenge the idea that because something happens behind closed doors or within a relationship, it’s automatically consensual or safe.

Medical Attention Is Crucial

If you or someone you know has been strangled, even if you feel “fine” afterward, it is critical to seek medical care immediately. A trained provider can perform the necessary imaging (like CT scans or MRIs) to detect internal injuries. Delayed swelling, blood clots, or strokes can occur days or even weeks later.

Some communities have strangulation response protocols, where trained advocates and forensic nurses work together to document injuries and support survivors. If your community does not have this in place, reach out to a domestic or sexual violence agency for help navigating medical and legal systems.

What You Can Do

  • Believe survivors. If someone discloses that they were strangled, take it seriously—regardless of whether you see physical injuries.
  • Educate yourself and others. Talk about strangulation and its risks. Help dispel the myth that it’s “not a big deal” if no marks are left behind.
  • Support legislation. In many states, strangulation is now a felony offense even without visible injuries, due to the recognized danger. Advocate for similar policies in your area.
  • Reach out for help. If you’ve been strangled or fear for your safety, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233), or seek immediate medical care. You can also reach out directly to Options Domestic and Sexual Violence Services and an advocate can assist you in getting the help you need. 

Strangulation is not just “rough” behavior or an act of anger—it is a deadly warning sign. Survivors of this form of abuse deserve to be heard, believed, and protected. By educating ourselves and others, we can break the silence around strangulation and create a safer, more informed community.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

 

This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.

Gaslighting, Coercion, and Control: When Abuse Messes with Your Mind

Gaslighting, Coercion, and Control: When Abuse Messes with Your Mind

Posted on by Anniston

When we think about abuse, we often picture bruises or broken bones. But some of the most devastating wounds aren’t visible at all. Emotional abuse – especially gaslighting – is one of the most insidious forms of control used in both domestic and sexual violence. It doesn’t leave physical scars, but it can distort a survivor’s sense of reality, erode their confidence, and leave them questioning their own thoughts, feelings, and memories. May is Mental Health Awareness Month – so we wanted to take the opportunity to talk about how devastating the effects of emotional abuse can be on someone’s mental state, and how it can silently unravel a person’s well-being over time.

I’m sure by this point you have heard the term “gaslighting” used in conversation (or seen it on social media). The term has been casually used to describe a situation when someone is not telling the truth. It, however, is much more detrimental than just another form of lying.

Over time, gaslighting can dismantle a person’s mental health from the inside out. Gaslighting is a tactic of psychological manipulation in which one person tries to make another doubt their perceptions, memories, or sanity. It’s not always easy to identify, especially in the beginning. It may start with small comments like, “You’re remembering that wrong,” or “You’re too sensitive,” and gradually escalate to full-blown denial of events, blame-shifting, or rewriting history. In abusive relationships, gaslighting is used to maintain power and control. It is used to keep the survivor dependent, confused, and isolated.

Imagine living with someone who constantly tells you that your feelings are irrational, your memory is flawed, or your concerns are overreactions. Over time, you may begin to wonder: “Maybe I really am too emotional. Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I don’t trust myself.” This kind of emotional manipulation breaks down a person’s self-trust and replaces it with self-doubt, shame, and anxiety.

Many survivors of domestic or sexual violence report feeling like they’re “going crazy,” when in reality, they’re responding appropriately to an unsafe and controlling environment. Gaslighting makes that response feel wrong or invalid. It causes a deep rupture in mental health – one that can look like depression, confusion, low self-esteem, and even post-traumatic stress. People who’ve experienced gaslighting may struggle to make decisions, trust others, or even recognize abuse when it happens again.

Gaslighting also works hand-in-hand with coercion. Coercive control is about dominating another person through psychological manipulation, isolation, intimidation, and micromanagement of their life. Together, coercion and gaslighting create a trap: the survivor feels unable to leave, unable to speak up, and unable to trust their own ability to assess danger. It’s like being in a mental maze with no way out.

So how do you recognize gaslighting when it’s happening? Some common signs include:

  • Constantly second-guessing yourself or your memories
  • Apologizing all the time, even when you’re not sure why
  • Feeling confused or “off” after conversations with your partner
  • Being told that you’re “too emotional,” “crazy,” or “making things up”
  • Not being able to trust your instincts
  • Withdrawing from friends or loved ones because you’re afraid they’ll see the truth, or because your abuser says they’re “bad influences”

It’s important to understand that gaslighting isn’t just a communication issue – it’s abuse. It’s not about miscommunication or a difference in perspective; it’s a deliberate strategy to destabilize and control.

But as overwhelming as it can be, there are ways to begin reclaiming your reality and your mental health. One of the first steps is naming the behavior for what it is. Giving it a name – gaslighting – can be incredibly powerful. It tells you that you’re not imagining things, and that others have experienced it too. It also affirms that your confusion is not a personal failure, but a symptom of emotional abuse.

Documentation can also be a helpful tool. Keeping a journal, even just jotting down events and how they made you feel, can help you reconnect with your own memory and intuition. Reading your own words back can provide clarity over time and remind you that your experiences are valid.

Talking to someone you trust (a friend, a therapist, or an advocate) can also break the isolation that gaslighting creates. When someone else can affirm your experience and help you untangle what’s happening, it’s easier to rebuild your sense of self. If talking feels too hard, even reading survivor stories or forums online can help validate your experience and reduce the sense of being alone.

Perhaps most importantly, healing from gaslighting means learning to trust yourself again. That’s not something that happens overnight. It starts with small steps: trusting your gut on something minor, saying “no” when you mean it, recognizing red flags, or even just noticing when someone tries to make you feel small. Each step builds a little more confidence. Over time, survivors can learn to see gaslighting for what it is: a manipulation tactic, not a reflection of who they are.

Gaslighting messes with your mind in ways that are deeply damaging, but healing is possible. Survivors deserve support that honors their truth and affirms their reality. Mental Health Awareness Month is a good time to remember that emotional abuse is abuse, and that psychological wounds deserve just as much care and recognition as physical ones. No one should be made to doubt their worth, their experience, or their sanity at the hands of someone who claims to love them.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month Events 2025

Sexual Assault Awareness Month Events 2025

Posted on by Anniston

Options has several community activities and exhibits coming up during April in recognition of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Below is a list of all of the public events that community members are encouraged to attend or visit.

Ellis County Community Forum

Date: March 29

Location: Hays Public Library

Time: 9:30 a.m. – 10:30 a.m.

Options and Jana’s Campaign will present the findings from last year’s Quality of Life Needs Assessment and gather community input on where to focus our next efforts. We want to hear from YOU to help our community safe!

 

What Were You Wearing? Art Exhibit

Date: March 31-April 4

Location: Fort Hays State University, Taylor Gallery

Time: 9 a.m. – 5 p.m.

Join Options and Jana’s Campaign in this exhibit that highlights real survivor stories. This art installation challenges the belief that what a person was wearing attributed to their sexual assault.  An advocate will be present during open hours.

 

Walk a Mile in Her Shoes

Date: April 10

Location: Fort Hays State University

Time: 2:30pm

There is an old saying: “You can’t understand another person’s experience until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” To get people listening, learning, and talking, Options is joining in the Walk a Mile in Her Shoes at FHSU campus. This event is a campus-wide march to bring awareness to sexual violence.

 

Red Flag Garden

Date: April 14

Location: Fort Hays State University, Quad

Time: 12:30 p.m. – 3:00 p.m.

Us 4 U and Options are partnering to put on the Red Flag Garden to showcase problematic relationship behaviors. Each red flag we “plant” will have a different behavior that is a “warning sign” for abusive relationships.

 

What Were You Wearing? Art Exhibit

Date: April 16

Location: Colby Community College, Fireside Lounge in the Student Union

Time: 9 a.m. – 3 p.m.

This art installation challenges the belief that what a person was wearing attributed to their sexual assault. The exhibit asks viewers to understand that sexual assault is NEVER about the clothing the survivor was wearing. The sexual assault violates the survivor’s mind, physical being, and emotions; it is not simply woven into the fabric of the survivor’s clothing. An advocate will be present during open hours.

 

Walk a Mile in Her Shoes – Colby

Date: April 23

Location: Colby Community College,  Union

Time: 11 a.m. – 2 p.m.

There is an old saying: “You can’t understand another person’s experience until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” To get people listening, learning, and talking, Colby Community College and Options are hosting Walk a Mile in Her Shoes. This event is a campus-wide march to bring awareness to sexualized violence.

 

Ellis County Community Forum

Date: April 24

Location: Hays Public Library, Schmidt Gallery

Time: 7 p.m. – 8 p.m.

Options and Jana’s Campaign will present the findings from last year’s Quality of Life Needs Assessment and gather community input on where to focus our next efforts. We want to hear from YOU to help our community safe!

 

Spring Art Walk and Hays High School Student Advisory Bake Sale

Date: April 26

Location: Eclectic Threads (1012 Main St, Hays)

Time: 10 a.m. – 4 p.m.

The Hays High School Student Advisory Board will be present at the Spring Art Walk for a bake sale where all proceeds will be donated to Options. There will be delicious goods of all kinds (cookies, breads, cereal bars, etc.).

Also join us for our new art installation, “Not Just An Object.” This exhibit features stories from local survivors regarding their experience with sexual assault

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll free helpline by calling 800-794-4624. You can also reach us via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click “Chat with an Advocate” on the right of your screen.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

Reproductive Coercion: When Abuse Interferes with Bodily Autonomy

Reproductive Coercion: When Abuse Interferes with Bodily Autonomy

Posted on by Anniston

March is Women’s History Month, a time to reflect on the progress made in advancing women’s rights while also acknowledging the challenges that persist. One of the most pressing yet under-discussed issues affecting women today is reproductive coercion—a form of abuse that strips individuals of their bodily autonomy and endangers their health and safety.

As we use this month to celebrate the resilience and achievements of women throughout history, it is crucial to also shed light on this pervasive issue, especially given its ties to maternal mortality and domestic violence.

What is Reproductive Coercion?

When we think about domestic violence, we often focus on physical abuse, emotional manipulation, or financial control.

However, another insidious form of abuse is lurking beneath. Reproductive coercion is a form of control where an abuser manipulates or dictates a survivor’s reproductive choices. This form of abuse (like all abuse) is deeply tied to power and control, aiming to strip autonomy from a person’s body, future, and ability to make life-altering decisions on their own terms.

Reproductive coercion refers to behaviors that interfere with a person’s reproductive autonomy, including:

  • Birth control sabotage – An abuser may hide, tamper with, or refuse to allow the use of contraception. “Stealthing” is another form of birth control sabotage commonly seen in younger populations. This act is when a male partner removes a condom (despite previously agreeing to wear one) without the consent of their partner.   
  • Pregnancy pressure or coercion – Forcing or manipulating a partner into pregnancy or, conversely, coercing them into terminating a pregnancy.
  • Control over reproductive healthcare – Preventing access to doctors, forcing specific medical decisions (like sterilization), or refusing to allow the survivor to make independent choices about their body.
  • Intentional spread of STDs – Some abusers may contract (either by infidelity or otherwise), then intentionally spread, their sexually transmitted disease. With the stigma surrounding STDs in general, this could be used to keep control over their partner.

This form of control can be incredibly isolating and dangerous. Survivors may feel trapped in a relationship because pregnancy or parenting ties them to their abuser, or they may be denied the ability to make crucial decisions about their own health and future.

Reproductive coercion is rarely an isolated behavior. It often exists alongside other forms of abuse. A partner who engages in reproductive coercion is asserting dominance and control over their victim in the most personal way possible. And, if a woman is experiencing abuse prior to becoming pregnant, research indicates that the abuse can escalate in severity during pregnancy.

Homicide: The Leading Cause of Death in Pregnant Women

Perhaps one of the most chilling statistics related to reproductive coercion and domestic violence is the fact that homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the United States. A 2022 study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology found that pregnant women are more likely to be killed than to die from medical complications related to pregnancy and childbirth. In many cases, these homicides are committed by intimate partners who escalate violence in response to pregnancy.

Why does pregnancy increase a person’s risk of homicide? There are several possible factors:

  • Pregnancy can increase dependency, making it harder for someone to leave an abusive relationship.
  • An abuser may view pregnancy as a loss of control, leading to more extreme violence. Additionally, an abuser may become jealous that they are receiving less attention from their pregnant partner – whether that be sexual attention or otherwise.
  • Financial pressures and stressors associated with an impending child can escalate conflict.

These factors make reproductive coercion not only a matter of autonomy but also one of life and death.

The Impact on Maternal Mortality

Reproductive coercion contributes to maternal mortality, particularly among marginalized groups. Black and Indigenous women, who already face disproportionately high maternal mortality rates, are also at higher risk for IPV and reproductive coercion. Lack of access to healthcare, systemic medical racism, and economic disparities further exacerbate the dangers they face.

Women experiencing reproductive coercion may be denied proper prenatal care, discouraged from seeking medical attention, or even physically assaulted during pregnancy. When IPV and reproductive coercion intersect, survivors face an uphill battle in maintaining both their safety and their health.

Recognizing the Signs and Seeking Help

If you or someone you know is experiencing reproductive coercion, it’s crucial to recognize the signs and seek support. Remember, some of the signs of reproductive coercion could be:

  • A partner refusing to use condoms or sabotaging birth control.
  • Feeling pressured or forced to become pregnant or terminate a pregnancy.
  • Having access to reproductive healthcare restricted by a partner.
  • Experiencing increased violence or threats after becoming pregnant.

So, what can you do to help stop this abuse from happening?

Be vigilant and informed. Addressing reproductive coercion requires both individual support for survivors and systemic change. Some key areas for improvement include:

  • Legislation protecting reproductive rights – Ensuring access to contraception, abortion care, and comprehensive reproductive healthcare that is affordable.
  • Medical training for healthcare providers – Educating doctors and nurses to recognize signs of reproductive coercion and safely intervene.
  • Increased shelter and advocacy services – Expanding support networks for survivors, particularly pregnant individuals at high risk of IPV.

Reproductive coercion is a profound violation of autonomy and safety. It is deeply intertwined with domestic violence, maternal mortality, and the broader fight for reproductive justice. Recognizing this form of abuse, supporting survivors, and advocating for systemic change are all crucial steps in protecting the health and lives of those at risk.

If you or someone you know needs support, Options Domestic and Sexual Violence Services is here to help. You are not alone, and your choices about your body and future belong to you—not an abuser.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 24-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

Here We Go Again: A Recurring Tale of Victim Blaming and Misinformation

Here We Go Again: A Recurring Tale of Victim Blaming and Misinformation

Posted on by Anniston

The public loves a hero. Equally, it loves a villain. Honestly, probably even more so. Nothing brings us together as a society than finding someone to hate – particularly when it is a woman deemed “too much”—too loud, too bold, too unapologetic, too rude, too… imperfect.

In recent years, we’ve witnessed the emergence of high-profile cases where women have come forward with allegations of sexual harassment or assault, only to be met with doubt, skepticism, and even smear campaigns designed to discredit them.

One of the most recent cases is that of Blake Lively and her recent allegations against actor-director Justin Baldoni. Her allegations have once again brought this troubling dynamic into stark focus.

Lively accused Baldoni of sexual harassment, and almost immediately, the PR team of Baldoni responded —not to the gravity of her accusations but with a campaign to discredit her. The PR team used by Baldoni was reportedly also involved in similar efforts in other high-profile cases. And even now, we are watching a back-and-forth of accusations occur. Currently, with Lively’s accusations made public, we are witnessing another narrative shift accusing her of being vindictive.

Regardless of which version of truth you are currently choosing to believe, one thing remains constant: it is so easy for us to immediately victim blame. It is so easy for us to immediately turn to nitpicking past interactions and highlighting facets of a person we do not like when they have expressed that they’ve experienced abuse.

Especially when that abuse is at the hands of a beloved, attractive, or generally respected figure.

We want a witch to burn.  

Women undeniably face the brunt of this. From Lively, to Angelina Jolie, to Amber Heard, to Meghan Markle (I bring up these women for a specific reason, bear with me), smear campaigns have become the weapon of choice for silencing women.

These cases, including Lively’s, underscore how society weaponizes misogyny and victim-blaming to protect powerful men or systems, leaving women to fight not only their abusers but also a public eager to vilify them.

Lively and Baldoni:  Background on the Backlash

The alleged harassment of Lively took place during the production of an ambitious project directed by Justin Baldoni. The film, touted as a groundbreaking exploration of complex gender dynamics, drew early praise for its vision but quickly became a lightning rod for criticism due to the nature of the topic: domestic violence.

Critics and audiences alike pointed out glaring issues in the film’s depiction of women, arguing that it leaned heavily on outdated tropes and failed to deliver on its promise of nuance (although, this is largely in part due to the fact that the film is an adaptation of a book that held these same tropes and problems, but that’s an issue for another blog post).

On set, insiders claim tensions ran high, with Lively and Baldoni clashing on the direction of the film and growing concerns spread about behavior. It was during this period that Lively later reported experiencing inappropriate advances and unprofessional conduct from Baldoni. These allegations, paired with her vocal criticisms of the film’s direction, set the stage for what would become a relentless campaign to tarnish her credibility. Something to note: Lively did not publicly disclose these complaints until after the smear campaign against her was underway.

The Smear Campaign Begins

When Lively’s allegations were brought forth, Baldoni’s PR team reportedly sprang into action, employing tactics perfected in other high-profile cases involving Angelina Jolie, Amber Heard, and Meghan Markle. Instead of addressing the allegations, the focus shifted to discrediting Lively. It’s reported that the same PR team that was involved with Baldoni was also involved with orchestrating smear campaigns against the women mentioned above.  

The campaign began subtly, with whispers in the media labeling Lively as “difficult to work with” and “unprofessional.” Anonymous sources painted her as a diva who clashed with the director and disrupted production. Soon, fabricated stories began to surface—claims that Lively had acted erratically on set and had strained relationships with her co-stars. Then, former interviewers came out of the woodworks to showcase just how “rude” Lively acted during interviews and other public events.

And while this was happening, Lively and Baldoni were doing press tours for their movie. Lively and her team have expressed that she was instructed to focus on empowerment, steering clear of the topic of abuse that occurs during the movie – something she received heavy criticism for.

Baldoni, on the other hand, dove hard into the aspects of abuse that were highlighted during the movie. Baldoni had also seated himself as a champion of women’s rights with his podcast discussing “toxic masculinity” – further making Lively’s claims all the harder to believe.

Now, as this back and forth ensues, we are seeing stories that claim Lively was using the harassment allegations as a way to deflect criticism of her own behavior.

Drawing Parallels: Angelina Jolie, Meghan Markle, and Amber Heard

Angelina Jolie’s experience offers a chilling parallel. During her tumultuous divorce from Brad Pitt, Jolie alleged domestic abuse. Instead of being met with empathy, Jolie became the target of a PR campaign portraying her as a manipulative, alienating figure. The focus shifted from Pitt’s alleged abuse to Jolie’s parenting, mental health, and alleged vindictiveness.

Despite her decades-long career as an acclaimed actress and humanitarian, Jolie’s credibility was eroded in the court of public opinion. The same tactics used against Lively—doubt, discrediting, and character assassination—were wielded to deflect attention from serious allegations.

While Meghan Markle’s case doesn’t involve an intimate partner, it highlights another facet of this pattern: institutional abuse. Markle, the first woman of color to marry into the British royal family, faced relentless media attacks fueled by leaks from palace insiders. When Markle publicly discussed the racism and mistreatment she endured, the narrative quickly shifted.

Markle was framed as a diva, a troublemaker, and a manipulator who disrupted the harmony of the royal family. This smear campaign, (again, in part engineered by the same PR firm Baldoni has reportedly hired), reflects a broader societal reluctance to confront abuse—whether by individuals or institutions.

And now, most notably, Amber Heard. No discussion of public smear campaigns would be complete without examining Heard’s case. When Heard accused Johnny Depp of domestic violence and sexual abuse, she became the target of an aggressive and highly effective PR effort to discredit her. The campaign painted Heard as a liar and abuser, despite evidence to the contrary, and turned the public against her. She is still called a liar, even though a prior trial in the UK ruled that Heard’s claims were “substantially true” – but this trial was not the one that was heavily televised. Imagine that. Depp literally wrote that he was going to “burn and rape her corpse” yet we still largely villainize her instead of him.

Heard’s experience set a dangerous precedent, demonstrating how powerful men can manipulate public opinion to protect their reputations. This blueprint has since been replicated, from Jolie to Markle and now, allegedly, Lively.

A Pattern of Protecting Power

The throughline in all these cases is clear: powerful men (or institutions) protect themselves by discrediting women who challenge them. Whether it’s Baldoni, Pitt, or the British monarchy, the strategy is the same:

  1. Control the Narrative: Redirect public attention from the allegations to the accuser’s perceived flaws.
  2. Exploit Misogyny: Play into sexist tropes of women as “crazy,” “manipulative,” or “vindictive.”
  3. Weaponize Public Opinion: Use social media, tabloids, and strategic leaks to paint the woman as the villain.

These tactics rely on society’s ingrained misogyny. Women are scrutinized more harshly than men, and their credibility is often questioned, especially when they accuse powerful individuals or systems of wrongdoing.

Why Society Loves a “Witch”

At the heart of these smear campaigns is a cultural obsession with having a scapegoat. Historically, women have often filled this role, whether in literal witch hunts or modern smear campaigns. Society is quick to label women who speak out as “difficult” or “crazy” because it’s easier to vilify a woman than confront the wrongdoing of a beloved figure or institution.

This dynamic was evident with Jolie, who was castigated for protecting her children; with Markle, who was vilified for calling out racism; and with Heard, who was demonized for speaking out against abuse. Now, it appears to be Lively’s turn to be cast as the “witch” society loves to burn.

The Cost of Misogyny and Victim-Blaming

The consequences of these smear campaigns are devastating, not just for the women involved but for society as a whole. By discrediting women who come forward, we create a culture where survivors are afraid to speak out, knowing they may be met with backlash instead of support.

This pattern also reinforces the idea that only “perfect” victims—those who are universally likable or who fit a narrow mold of what society deems acceptable—deserve to be believed. This is a dangerous precedent, as it marginalizes the voices of survivors who don’t fit this mold and emboldens abusers to act without fear of accountability.

When we victim blame, we send a message to abusers. It shows that as long as they target people society deems “unlikable” or “flawed,” they can escape accountability. It creates a dangerous precedent, one that protects abusers while leaving survivors to bear the weight of skepticism and blame.

We must reject this double standard. Believing survivors doesn’t mean blindly accepting every claim without evidence; it means not allowing biases about personality or perfection to cloud our judgment. It means recognizing that survivors are human—imperfect, sometimes difficult, but no less deserving of justice and support.

Believing Victims, Even When It’s Hard

Abuse is about power and control, not about how “nice” someone is. Truly, all the women mentioned in this blog post could be bratty, snotty, snobbish women. But that doesn’t mean that they should become victims of abuse.

I know I have said this a lot in this blog post, but we must start by dismantling the notion that only perfect people are worth believing.

Everyone deserves safety, justice, and a chance to be heard. Anything less perpetuates the cycle of silence and harm, even when the accusations are uncomfortable, or the accuser doesn’t fit the idealized image of a victim.

Angelina Jolie, Amber Heard, Meghan Markle, and now Blake Lively—all have faced backlash not because their claims lacked merit, but because society is more comfortable silencing women than addressing systemic abuse and misogyny.

It’s time to shift the narrative. Instead of asking why women come forward, we should be asking why society is so quick to discredit them. Only by confronting this bias can we create a culture where survivors are supported, believed, and empowered to speak out without fear of retribution.

Until then, cases like Lively’s will continue to serve as stark reminders of how far we have to go in dismantling the systems that enable abuse—and the smear campaigns that follow. Consider this: if these women who have access to money and PR teams have experienced this kind of abuse, imagine what a woman without those privileges has to go through just to be believed. 

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 24-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

Safety Planning for the Holidays

Safety Planning for the Holidays

Posted on by Anniston

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. However, for many, it can bring heightened stress, complicated family dynamics, and increased risks, particularly for those in abusive relationships. Creating a safety plan for the holidays can help navigate these challenges and provide a sense of control and preparedness. Whether you are facing potential danger or simply want to ensure a smoother holiday experience, a safety plan is an invaluable tool – and one you can create on your own or with the help of an Options Advocate.

Domestic violence calls to police rise by 20% in December, compared to other months of the year. There are many reasons for this, and those reasons can include:

  1. Increased Stress and Conflict: The holidays can amplify stress due to financial pressures, busy schedules, and heightened expectations. For individuals in abusive relationships, these stressors can escalate the frequency and severity of abuse.
  2. Limited Support Networks: During the holidays, support systems like schools, workplaces, and community services might be less accessible due to closures or holiday schedules.
  3. Family Gatherings: For some, attending gatherings with difficult family members can create emotionally or physically unsafe environments.
  4. Alcohol and Substance Use: Holiday celebrations often involve alcohol, which can increase the likelihood of abusive behavior or impair judgment when trying to stay safe.

Having a plan allows you to anticipate risks, set boundaries, and take proactive steps to protect yourself and your loved ones.

Creating your Holiday Safety Plan

  1. Identify Safe Spaces
    Start by recognizing places where you feel safe. This could be a friend’s home, a specific room in your house, or a public location like a library or coffee shop. If you’re traveling, research local resources such as shelters, crisis centers, or supportive organizations in the area.
  2. Establish a Support Network
    Share your plan with trusted individuals who can provide emotional or physical support. Identify a few people you can call or text if you’re in distress. Make sure they know how to respond and can help without putting themselves or you at risk.
  3. Set Boundaries for Gatherings
    If family events are unavoidable, establish clear boundaries. Let someone know when you’ll arrive and leave and have an exit strategy. Drive yourself if possible, so you’re not reliant on others for transportation.
  4. Prepare a Go-Bag
    A go-bag is an essential tool for anyone facing potential danger. It should include:
    • Important documents (ID, passport, birth certificates)
    • Essential medications
    • Cash or a prepaid card
    • A phone charger
    • Clothes and personal hygiene items
    • A list of emergency contacts

                Keep this bag in a secure place, or even a secondary location, so that your abuser does not stumble upon it.

         5. Develop Code Words
Create code words or phrases to communicate with trusted individuals discreetly. For example, saying, “I’m picking up the red sweater,” could mean you need immediate help. Phrases like these function to securely let the other person know you are in danger and need to get away from a situation.

         6. Plan for Children or Dependents
If you have children or dependents, ensure they are part of the plan. Discuss safe places they can go and people they can trust. If age-appropriate, teach them how to call for help or use a code word.

         7. Limit Social Media Sharing
Be cautious about sharing your location or holiday plans online. Abusers may use this information to track or manipulate you. Adjust privacy settings and avoid tagging your location in real time. Check that functions like SnapMaps or even “find my iPhone” are disabled.

         8. Access Resources Ahead of Time
Before the holidays, research local and national resources. Save hotline numbers, addresses of shelters, and contact information for supportive organizations. Examples include:

Local resources:

    • Options Domestic and Sexual Violence Services: (800-794-4624) or text HOPE to 847411

National resources:

    • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
    • RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

         9. Plan for Emergencies
Identify escape routes in your home and memorize them. If things escalate, know how to quickly leave or call for help. Keep your phone charged and accessible at all times.

         10. Practice Self-Care
Prioritize activities that reduce stress and promote mental well-being. Whether it’s taking a walk, journaling, or meditating, carving out time for yourself can improve resilience and clarity.

Practical Advice for General Safety Planning

Even if you are not in an abusive relationship, a safety plan can help address holiday-related stress and unexpected situations:

  • Time Management: Plan your schedule in advance, including downtime to rest and recharge. Avoid overcommitting to events.
  • Budgeting: Set a holiday budget to avoid financial stress. Communicate gift expectations with friends and family to prevent misunderstandings.
  • Transportation: Always have a backup transportation plan in case weather, delays, or other issues arise.
  • Health and Wellness: Monitor your alcohol consumption and stay hydrated. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, step away to reset.

The holidays can be a challenging time, but having a safety plan ensures you’re prepared to handle potential risks with confidence. For those in abusive relationships, this can mean the difference between staying safe and feeling trapped. By taking proactive steps, you’re not only safeguarding your physical well-being but also fostering a sense of empowerment and control over your circumstances. Remember, help is always available, and you don’t have to face these challenges alone.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 24-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

The Power of Words: Challenging Harmful Language Around Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence, and Misogyny

The Power of Words: Challenging Harmful Language Around Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence, and Misogyny

Posted on by Anniston

Language shapes how we think, feel, and interact with the world. Words can empower, but they can also harm, perpetuate violence, and reinforce oppressive ideologies. When it comes to sexual assault and domestic violence, misogyny plays a big role in the way we talk about these issues. It matters deeply, and a blasé attitude toward language and how we use it perpetuates that cycle of violence.

Recently, a troubling phrase—“your body, my choice”—has gained traction online and in casual conversations, highlighting the insidious ways harmful ideas can spread through language.

Let’s not sugar coat it: that phrase is meant to be a threat. Rape threats and other sexist posts have been going viral since the election, and it’s part of a broader pattern and problem.

The Rise of “Your Body, My Choice”

Originally a satirical twist on the pro-choice slogan “my body, my choice,” the phrase “your body, my choice” has been used as a “joke” on social media, often in memes or videos. The phrase has also been seen on T-shirts and other merchandise.

Its popularity has been attributed to white supremacist Nick Fuentes (crazy that a white supremacist has a following large enough to make a trend, but I digress). Fuentes posted “Your body, my choice. Forever,” after election night. Instances of the phrase increased 4,600 percent on X during the last two weeks, according to a report. Meanwhile, Fuentes’s original post has been reposted more than 35,000 times.

But that isn’t where Fuentes stopped. He went on his podcast and proclaimed, “Hey b***h we control your bodies. Guys win again, men win again. … There will never, ever be a female president. Never! It’s over. Glass ceiling? Dude it’s a ceiling made of f*****g bricks – you will never break it. Your stupid faces keep hitting the brick ceiling. We will keep you down forever. You will never control your own bodies. Never going to happen, sweetie.”

In addition to “your body, my choice,” phrases like “get back in the kitchen,” and “repeal the 19th” (the constitutional amendment that gave women the right to vote) also skyrocketed in postings and searches.

Posts and conversations like these may appear to some as edgy humor, but their underlying message is far from benign. This language mocks bodily autonomy, trivializing a fundamental human right that should be universally upheld: the right to control one’s own body. It normalizes control. It emboldens people to act like this outside of online spaces. It puts people, namely women, in real danger.

For survivors of sexual assault or domestic violence, hearing this phrase can feel like a slap in the face. It mirrors the attitudes of those who once disregarded their autonomy and reinforces a culture where control, dominance, and coercion are normalized. It’s not just about a phrase trending online—it’s about the real-world harm that such ideas perpetuate.

Why It’s Harmful

The phrase “your body, my choice” hinges on the dangerous implication of ownership. It suggests that another person’s body and choices can be controlled, ridiculed, or overruled. This mindset isn’t just a joke; it’s a foundation for abuse. The thing about jokes is that if they are repeated and normalized enough, they become reality.

In cases of domestic violence, for example, the abuser often justifies their actions with a sense of entitlement over their partner. Phrases like “you’re mine,” “you belong to me,” or “I’ll decide what’s best for you” echo the same sentiment.

Beyond personal relationships, this rhetoric reinforces societal power imbalances. Think of catcalling, where strangers assert their perceived right to comment on someone’s body, or online harassment, where women and marginalized individuals are reduced to objects of ridicule or desire. These behaviors aren’t isolated incidents—they stem from a culture where autonomy isn’t universally respected.

Other phrases that perpetuate harm include:

  • “She’s too sensitive” or “Can’t you take a joke?” These dismiss concerns about harmful language, silencing those who speak up.
  • “He’s just being a man.” This phrase undermines accountability.
  • “Well, what did they do to provoke that?” This shifts the blame onto survivors instead of addressing the actions of perpetrators.

The normalization of such language creates an environment where abuse can thrive unchecked.

Combating Harmful Language

Addressing harmful language starts with acknowledgment and action. Here’s how we can confront phrases like “your body, my choice” and challenge the ideologies they reflect:

  1. Call It Out

When you hear harmful phrases, don’t let them slide. Respond with curiosity or firmness. Asking something like, “Why do you think that’s funny?” or “Can you explain the joke?”  forces the person to reflect (even if just momentarily) on their “joke.” You could also say something simple like, “Ew. Lame,” to showcase your disapproval. Again, don’t let these jokes slide. These moments, though uncomfortable, plant seeds for reflection.

  1. Educate Through Examples

Sometimes, people don’t realize the weight of their words. Use examples to illustrate the real-world consequences of trivializing autonomy. For instance, you could explain how mocking consent contributes to a culture where 1 in 3 women experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime.

  1. Promote Positive Language

Instead of allowing harmful jokes or dismissive comments to dominate conversations, model respectful language. Highlight words and actions that affirm agency, such as emphasizing consent, celebrating survivor resilience, stopping victim-blaming, and valuing equality.

  1. Engage in Broader Conversations

Bring these discussions into classrooms, workplaces, and community spaces. Hosting workshops on language’s role in fostering safety and respect can build a collective understanding of why phrases like “your body, my choice” are harmful.

  1. Support Survivors and Amplify Their Voices

Center survivors in conversations about violence and language. Phrases like “I believe you” and “How can I help?” are simple but impactful ways to offer support.

Shifting the Culture

This isn’t just about eradicating a single phrase—it’s about transforming the values we communicate and uphold as a society. Harmful language doesn’t exist in a vacuum; it reflects and reinforces systems of oppression, control, and violence. By rejecting phrases like “your body, my choice,” we take a stand against the cultures that normalize abuse and dismiss bodily autonomy.

Instead, we should strive to create a culture of empathy, where consent is celebrated, boundaries are respected, and everyone feels safe in their own skin. Words like “no” should carry weight, jokes shouldn’t punch down, and everyone should feel empowered to use their voice.

Every conversation is an opportunity to make a difference. Whether it’s correcting a harmful joke, discussing the importance of language with a friend, or advocating for survivors, we all have the power to contribute to a better world. Change begins with words, but the ripple effect can transform lives.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 24-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

"Ask An Advocate" - interview with Therapy Dog Arthur Fonzarelli

“Ask An Advocate” – interview with Therapy Dog Arthur Fonzarelli

Posted on by Anniston

We’re excited to introduce a truly unique member of our Options team for this ‘Ask An Advocate’ series—Arthur Fonzarelli, aka ‘Fonzie,’ our Therapy Dog.

Since joining us in November 2019, Fonzie has been a constant source of comfort, support, and love for everyone he meets. With a serious commitment to helping clients feel safe, he knows just when to bring out his calm, friendly side and when to roll over for a smile. Let’s hear from Fonzie himself as he shares his journey as a four-legged advocate.

Can you describe your primary responsibilities as an advocate?
          “Absolutely! One of my titles is “Certified Good Boy and Resident Snuggle Expert,” but I am also known as the Therapy Dog. My job is to make people feel at ease, so they can open up and focus on healing. I know when a quick nuzzle or a gentle paw is just what someone needs, and if that fails, I just go for the ultimate move: belly up! It’s hard work, but I’m paws-itively committed to it.

What is unique about your role?
         “Well, I’m the only one here with four paws and a tail, and that gives me a leg up (or four!) in the comfort department. I have this sixth sense for when people are having a ruff day, and I don’t even need words to help. All it takes is one look at my puppy-dog eyes, and I’m in—the magic of dog-ness at its best!”

How long have you worked for Options?
          “I’ve been on the job since November 2019, which in dog years makes me practically a seasoned veteran! A little over five human years of tail wags, paw shakes, and comforting moments. But in dog years, I’m looking at 35 years of service, which means I’ve got the most seniority out of everyone! 😉”

What do you believe is the most important aspect of your job as an advocate?
          “The most important part is making sure people feel safe, supported, and loved. Sometimes, people need someone who won’t judge, who’ll sit quietly beside them and let them pet my fur until they’re ready to talk. I take my work seriously because sometimes, a wagging tail is worth a thousand words.”

 What are some of the key challenges you face in your role, and how do you address them?
           “Squirrels. So many squirrels outside the windows. But I’ve learned to keep my focus—it’s all about the humans who need me. When I sense someone needs my comfort, I’m 100% there, even if my little doggy brain is doing backflips over a squirrel sighting.

That, and a lack of treats. I really should be getting more of those.”

Can you share a memorable success story (while maintaining confidentiality) that highlights the impact of the work you do?
          “One day, I sat next to a client who hadn’t said a word to anyone for a while. They started petting me, and little by little, they began to open up. By the end of the session, they were talking with the advocate. I may not be able to speak human, but I knew my presence helped make that possible. It’s why I do what I do.”

How do you practice self-care and prevent burnout, given the emotional intensity of the work?
          “Lots of naps. Lots of pets from Ross. I may beg for a treat or two.”

How does your position work with other community resources or organizations to support survivors?
          “I’m the ultimate conversation starter. When Options partners with community organizations, I’m there, reminding people that Options is a place of comfort and support. I break the ice and get people talking—even if I can’t understand all the words, I’m the master of “being there.”

In your opinion, what are the most pressing issues facing survivors of domestic and sexual violence today?
          “It’s the fear and the difficulty of trusting again. People need to feel safe before they can start to heal, and I’m here to offer that quiet, judgment-free space. Just being with someone can help them remember that kindness and support still exist.”

How do you measure success? What does a successful day or client case look like to you?
          “A successful day is when I’ve made someone smile, helped them relax, or just given them a moment of peace. If I leave Options at the end of the day with a tired wagging tail and the sense that I helped, then that’s success.”

What advice would you give to someone who wants to pursue a career in advocacy work for domestic and sexual violence?
          “Patience, kindness, and lots of treats for yourself. This work isn’t easy, but knowing you’re helping people find safety and healing makes it all worth it.”

What do you wish people understood about your role? Or about working as an advocate in general?
          “That I’m not just here to look cute—I’m here to help. My work may seem simple, but every nuzzle and every tail wag has a purpose: to make people feel comforted, safe, and loved.”

How has working at the agency impacted your personal views or perspectives on domestic and sexual violence (or stalking, or human trafficking)?
          “I’ve come to realize just how resilient people can be. I see the strength it takes for survivors to walk through our doors, and I’m constantly inspired by their courage.”

What keeps you motivated and passionate about your work, even when it becomes difficult?
          “Knowing that my presence can make a difference in someone’s day, even if it’s just a small one. And, of course, the occasional treat and belly rub help keep me going!”

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
           “Just this—don’t underestimate the power of a well-timed belly rub or a comforting presence. We can all make a difference, one wag at a time. Woof!”

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 24-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.