“Forgiveness will set you free.”
“You can’t heal until you forgive.”
“Holding onto anger only hurts you.”
Have you ever heard something like that before? I know I have – so many times that the words almost start to sound like an undeniable, unquestionable truth. I sat in a conference session once where the speaker just kept talking about forgiveness. They said that forgiveness can be justice, that it can free us from the power of the people who hurt us. And while I could see how that idea might resonate with some, I’ll be honest – it didn’t resonate with me.
I sat there listening, and the longer they spoke, the more I felt that heavy pit in my stomach. Because for me, forgiveness doesn’t feel like freedom. It feels like pressure. It feels like being told that my anger (the very thing that keeps me from slipping away from myself) is something shameful I needed to get rid of.
And that isn’t fair. My anger shouldn’t be used against me to make me feel bad. It shouldn’t be used against any person who has experienced harm.
Here’s the truth: it is OK to be angry. It is OK to be angry at the world. It is OK to be angry at the people who should have protected you but didn’t. It’s OK to be angry at the systems that failed you. It is OK to be angry at your abuser. It is OK to be angry simply because what happened to you should never, ever have happened. Anger doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t mean you’re bitter. It doesn’t mean you’re failing at healing. Anger means you’re human, and it means you’ve been hurt.
But the problem is, anger has a bad reputation. People hear the word “angry” and they think of screaming, violence, and destruction. That’s not what I’m talking about. Anger in itself isn’t dangerous. It’s just an emotion, like sadness or fear or joy. And when you’ve experienced abuse, anger can actually be one of the most honest responses you’ll ever feel. It’s your body’s way of saying, “That wasn’t right. I deserved better than this.”
And you did. You do.
When we talk about forgiveness in relation to abuse, I think it’s worth pausing to ask: what exactly are we being asked to forgive? Are we supposed to forgive ourselves? Because we didn’t do anything wrong. Are we supposed to forgive the systems that failed us, that looked the other way, that left us vulnerable? Or are we being asked to forgive the person who abused us – the very one who caused so much harm? And if that’s the case, why is the burden placed on us to let them off the hook? Forgiveness, when it’s framed this way, feels less like freedom and more like yet another demand on survivors. It’s no wonder so many of us bristle at the word.
The tricky part is that we’re often told that anger isn’t okay. Rather, we hear that in order to heal, we have to forgive. And sure, forgiveness can be healing for some. But it’s not the only path, and it’s not a requirement. You do not owe your abuser forgiveness. You don’t have to let go of your anger to make other people comfortable. Healing is not one-size-fits-all, and it doesn’t come with a checklist. For some people, forgiveness feels like peace. For others, peace comes from saying, “No, I won’t forgive you, and I won’t let you control my life any longer.”
Both are valid. Both are healing.
What matters most is what you do with your anger. Keeping it all bottled up is exhausting – it’s like carrying around a backpack filled with bricks. Eventually, it weighs you down. But there are healthy ways to let that energy move through you. For some, that means physical movement: running, kickboxing, even just walking until your mind clears. For others, it’s creativity: journaling, painting, writing letters you’ll never send, or singing loudly in the car with the windows up. It can also mean talking it out with someone you trust or practicing grounding strategies like deep breathing or yoga. And sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is turn your anger into action. You can do things like raise awareness, speak out, or help others. Every one of these things is a way to honor your anger without letting it consume you.
Here’s what I wish more people understood: you can be angry and still be healing. Anger doesn’t mean you’re stuck. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means you are still working through what happened, and that’s not a bad thing. Healing isn’t neat. It’s not all peace and light and closure. Sometimes it’s messy and stormy. Sometimes it’s crying into your pillow at 3 a.m. Sometimes it’s rage. Sometimes it’s laughing at something silly even though part of your heart still aches. All of it counts.
And most importantly, there’s no deadline. There’s no magic moment when you’re “supposed to” let go. If you’re not ready to forgive, you don’t have to. If you’re still angry years later, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed at healing. It just means you’re human. Your journey is yours. Maybe someday you’ll forgive, maybe you won’t. Either way, your healing is still valid.
So if no one else has said this to you, let me say it now: your anger is justified. You don’t need to hide it. You don’t need to apologize for it. And you don’t need to let it be used against you. Forgiveness can be powerful, but so can anger. Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to become someone who never feels it – it’s about learning to hold it with compassion for yourself.
You’ve already survived the hardest part. Now you get to decide what to do with the fire that still burns inside you. And if all you can do today is say to yourself, “Yes, I’m angry,” that, too, is part of healing.
If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.
Written by Anniston Weber
This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.