Posts by Anniston

The Cost of Stereotypes: How Biphobia Increases Vulnerability to Abuse

The Cost of Stereotypes: How Biphobia Increases Vulnerability to Abuse

Posted on by Anniston

When discussions about domestic violence occur, certain groups are frequently overlooked. Among them is the LGBTQ+ community, and specifically bisexual women, who experience some of the highest rates of intimate partner violence of any demographic group. According to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately 61% of bisexual women experience rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime, compared to 35% of heterosexual women.

These statistics are startling, but they do not tell the entire story.

The question is not simply why these rates are so high. The question is what social factors contribute to this vulnerability, and why bisexual survivors are so often left out of conversations about abuse prevention and support. To understand the reality facing bisexual women, we must examine the role that stereotypes, discrimination, and biphobia can play in creating conditions that abusers exploit.

June is Pride Month – a time to celebrate the strength, resilience, and diversity of LGBTQ+ communities. It is a month dedicated to visibility, recognition, and the ongoing pursuit of equality. While Pride is often associated with celebration, it is also an opportunity to acknowledge the challenges many LGBTQ+ individuals continue to face, including intimate partner violence.

Abuse Thrives Where Power and Control Exist

At its core, domestic violence is not about anger, conflict, or poor communication. It is about power and control.

Abusers frequently identify existing vulnerabilities in their partner’s life and use those vulnerabilities to gain leverage. Financial dependence, social isolation, immigration status, disability, cultural expectations, and societal prejudice can all become tools of control.

For bisexual women, biphobia (discrimination against bisexual individuals – even by other members of the LGBTQ+ community) can create unique vulnerabilities that abusive partners may exploit.

Unlike many forms of prejudice that are openly hostile, biphobia often appears in the form of stereotypes that have become normalized in everyday conversations. These stereotypes are frequently dismissed as harmless jokes or misunderstandings. In reality, they can contribute to environments where abuse is easier to perpetrate and harder to identify.

When harmful assumptions about bisexuality become widespread, they provide abusers with ready-made narratives to justify controlling behavior.

When Stereotypes Become Weapons

One of the most persistent myths about bisexual people is that they are incapable of monogamy or commitment.

Many bisexual women have heard some variation of the same stereotype: that they are inherently unfaithful, confused, indecisive, or constantly searching for something else. While these beliefs are inaccurate and harmful on their own, they become especially dangerous in abusive relationships.

An abusive partner may use these stereotypes to justify excessive jealousy, monitoring, or isolation.

They may insist on checking phones, reading messages, controlling social interactions, or restricting friendships. They may accuse their partner of cheating without evidence or portray controlling behavior as a reasonable response to their partner’s bisexuality.

Statements such as:

  • “You’re attracted to everyone, so I can’t trust you.”
  • “I have to keep tabs on you because you’ll eventually leave.”
  • “You can’t be satisfied with one person.”

are not expressions of concern. They are attempts to normalize surveillance and control.

Over time, these accusations can wear down a survivor’s confidence and make abusive behavior appear reasonable or justified.

Another common stereotype suggests that bisexuality is merely a phase or evidence of confusion. An abusive partner may use this misconception to dismiss their partner’s experiences, undermine their identity, or convince them that they are incapable of making sound decisions.

When someone is repeatedly told that they do not understand themselves, it becomes easier for an abuser to position themselves as the authority on reality.

This is one of the ways emotional abuse operates: by causing survivors to doubt their own perceptions and experiences.

Isolation Through Biphobia

Isolation is one of the most effective tools available to an abuser.

The more disconnected a survivor becomes from supportive friends, family members, and communities, the more difficult it becomes to seek help or leave a dangerous situation.

For bisexual women, biphobia can create unique pathways to isolation.

Many bisexual individuals report feeling caught between communities. In heterosexual spaces, they may experience prejudice or misunderstanding because of their sexual orientation. Within LGBTQ+ spaces, some report feeling dismissed, excluded, or viewed with suspicion because they are bisexual rather than gay or lesbian.

A bisexual woman in a relationship with a man may be told she is not “really” queer. A bisexual woman in a relationship with a woman may face assumptions that she has finally “picked a side.” Others encounter pressure to prove their identity or justify their place within LGBTQ+ communities.

These experiences can create a sense of not fully belonging anywhere.

An abusive partner may exploit that reality.

They may reinforce feelings of exclusion by suggesting that nobody else understands their partner, that friends will not believe them, or that support systems are unavailable. If someone already feels disconnected from community, these messages can become especially powerful.

Abuse thrives in isolation. When survivors feel unsupported or invisible, they are often less likely to reach out for help.

The Harm of Fetishization

Not all forms of biphobia are openly negative. In fact, some of the most harmful stereotypes are disguised as admiration, fascination, or attraction. Bisexual women are frequently fetishized in media and popular culture. Their sexual orientation is often portrayed as a fantasy, a performance, or something that exists primarily for the enjoyment of others.

Rather than being recognized as whole people with complex identities, bisexual women are often reduced to stereotypes that portray them as hypersexual, experimental, or perpetually available.

These portrayals can have serious consequences.

When a person’s identity is treated as a fantasy, their boundaries may be taken less seriously. Their discomfort may be dismissed. Their autonomy may be overlooked.

Fetishization also contributes to the misconception that bisexual women are inherently more sexually available than others. This belief can influence how people interpret coercion, consent, and abuse.

Survivors may find their experiences minimized because others assume they were somehow more willing, more interested, or less affected by harmful behavior.

In reality, no one’s sexual orientation changes their right to safety, autonomy, and respect.

Reducing bisexual women to stereotypes does not celebrate their identity – it dehumanizes them.

The Pressure to Remain Invisible

Another challenge facing many bisexual women is visibility.

Research has consistently found that bisexual individuals are often less likely than their gay and lesbian peers to be fully “out” in all areas of their lives. This decision can be influenced by many factors, including concerns about rejection, discrimination, misunderstanding, or previous experiences with biphobia.

For some, remaining private about their identity is a matter of safety. For others, it is a response to repeated experiences of having their identity questioned, invalidated, or dismissed.

A bisexual woman in a relationship that appears heterosexual may find that others simply assume she is straight. Correcting those assumptions can require emotional labor and can expose her to prejudice she would otherwise avoid.

Because bisexuality is often less visible, bisexual survivors can become less visible as well. When people assume bisexual women are either heterosexual or lesbian depending on their current relationship, their unique experiences can disappear from public conversations. This invisibility can make it more difficult for survivors to recognize themselves in educational materials, outreach campaigns, and support services.

The result is a troubling cycle: lack of visibility leads to lack of awareness, which leads to continued invisibility.

The Threat of Being Outed

For many LGBTQ+ individuals, disclosure of their sexual orientation can carry significant consequences.

Although acceptance has grown in many communities, discrimination, family rejection, housing instability, employment concerns, and social stigma remain very real experiences for many people.

Because of this, the threat of being outed can become a powerful form of abuse. An abusive partner may threaten to reveal a survivor’s sexual orientation to family members, employers, religious communities, or social networks without their consent. Even if those threats are never carried out, they can create fear and dependency.

A survivor may remain in a dangerous relationship because they believe leaving could expose them to consequences they are not prepared to face. This form of abuse is particularly damaging because it targets both a person’s safety and their identity simultaneously. Yet discussions about domestic violence do not always acknowledge outing as a tactic of power and control. When we fail to recognize these unique experiences, we risk overlooking survivors who need support. 

You can read more about the threat of being outed in one of our previous blog posts by clicking here. 

Why Research and Representation Matter

The experiences of bisexual women highlight an important reality: if we do not intentionally include people in our research, conversations, and services, their needs can become invisible.

For many years, LGBTQ+ populations were excluded from domestic violence research altogether. Even when LGBTQ+ communities began receiving greater attention, bisexual individuals were often grouped together with broader populations in ways that obscured their unique experiences.

The result was a significant gap in understanding. Without data, it becomes difficult to identify trends. Without visibility, it becomes difficult to advocate for resources. Without representation, it becomes difficult to design prevention and intervention efforts that effectively meet survivors’ needs.

We need research that examines their experiences specifically. We need service providers who understand the unique barriers bisexual survivors may face. We need public conversations that acknowledge the role of biphobia in shaping experiences of victimization. When people are left out of the data, they are often left out of the solutions as well.

Pride Means Supporting All Survivors

Pride Month is a celebration of identity, resilience, and community. It is a reminder of how far LGBTQ+ communities have come and how much work remains to be done.

Supporting bisexual survivors requires more than acknowledging that they exist. It requires recognizing the unique challenges they face and confronting the stereotypes that continue to cause harm.

Biphobia is not simply a collection of misconceptions. It can create conditions that increase vulnerability to abuse. It can be used by abusers as a tool of manipulation, isolation, and control. It can discourage survivors from seeking help and contribute to their experiences being overlooked.

When we challenge harmful stereotypes, we do more than promote understanding. We help create environments where survivors are more likely to be believed, supported, and protected. Every survivor deserves access to safety and support. Every survivor deserves to see themselves reflected in conversations about abuse. And every survivor deserves a community willing to listen to their experiences.

This Pride Month, let us commit to making bisexual survivors visible – not only in our celebrations, but also in our advocacy, research, prevention efforts, and support services. Because creating safer communities means ensuring that no survivor is left unseen.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or have a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or clicking 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 26-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

When Addiction Becomes a Tool of Control: Understanding Substance Use in Abusive Relationships

When Addiction Becomes a Tool of Control: Understanding Substance Use in Abusive Relationships

Posted on by Anniston

Oftentimes, when people think about domestic violence or abusive relationships, they immediately picture physical violence. However, abuse can take many forms, including emotional manipulation, intimidation, isolation, financial control, and coercion. In many cases, these non-physical forms of abuse become the foundation of an abuser’s power, allowing them to exert control over nearly every aspect of a victim’s life.

One of the most pervasive forms of abuse is coercive control – a pattern of behavior designed to dominate another person and limit their independence. Rather than relying solely on physical violence, abusers may use threats, surveillance, humiliation, isolation, financial dependence, or manipulation to maintain power. Over time, this constant erosion of autonomy can leave survivors feeling trapped, powerless, and emotionally exhausted.

For some survivors, substance use becomes entangled in this pattern of control. The relationship between abuse and addiction is often far more complex than many people realize. Substance use may develop as a way to cope with the fear, stress, and trauma of an abusive relationship, but it can also become another tool an abuser uses to maintain power. During Mental Health Awareness Month, it is important to recognize how coercive control and substance dependence can intersect, creating cycles that are incredibly difficult to escape.

In some abusive relationships, an abuser may encourage or pressure their partner to use drugs or alcohol. What begins as occasional use or experimentation can gradually evolve into dependence, particularly when substances become a way to manage anxiety, emotional pain, or the ongoing stress of living in an unsafe environment. For survivors, substances may offer temporary relief from fear or trauma, even as they create new challenges.

Some abusers take this dynamic a step further by intentionally fostering or maintaining a victim’s dependence. They may supply drugs or alcohol, control access to substances, exploit a victim while they are under the influence, or use addiction to increase the survivor’s reliance on the relationship. In these situations, substance use becomes more than a coping mechanism – it becomes part of the abuse itself. An abuser may threaten to withhold substances, report the victim to authorities, or use their addiction to undermine their credibility with family members, employers, healthcare providers, or the courts.

As these patterns continue, survivors can become trapped in a powerful cycle. The abuse creates emotional pain and trauma, substances provide temporary relief, and the resulting dependence can make leaving feel even more overwhelming. Shame, financial instability, isolation, and fear of judgment often deepen over time, reinforcing the very conditions that allow abuse to continue.

These barriers are often compounded by the stigma surrounding addiction. Many survivors fear they will not be believed or supported because of their substance use. They may worry that others will view them as irresponsible, unstable, or somehow responsible for the abuse they are experiencing. Some fear losing custody of their children, facing legal consequences, or being rejected by the people they trust most.

Unfortunately, abusers are often quick to exploit those fears. They may convince victims that no one will believe them because of their addiction or mental health struggles. They may use recordings, photographs, or past mistakes as leverage, creating a sense of hopelessness and dependence. By fostering instability and self-doubt, abusers can make survivors feel incapable of surviving on their own, even when help is available.

Substance use can also increase vulnerability to other forms of victimization. A person under the influence may have greater difficulty recognizing danger, protecting themselves, or seeking help safely. This can increase the risk of sexual violence, financial exploitation, and physical harm. In some cases, substances are even used intentionally to impair a person’s ability to consent or resist.

It is important to challenge common misconceptions about addiction and abuse. Not every survivor who struggles with substance use had a history of addiction before the relationship. For many, substance use develops in response to chronic stress, trauma, fear, and emotional pain. What others see as a substance use problem may, in reality, be a survival strategy developed in response to ongoing abuse.

Understanding this dynamic requires us to recognize the close connection between trauma and substance use. Survivors of abuse frequently experience anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, panic attacks, sleep disturbances, and overwhelming emotional distress. When someone is living in a constant state of fear or uncertainty, they may seek relief wherever they can find it. For some, substances become a way to numb emotional pain, manage traumatic memories, or simply make it through another day.

This reality was highlighted during a conference I attended, where a survivor of human trafficking shared a perspective that has stayed with me. Reflecting on her experience, she explained that heroin was the only thing that got her through her trafficking situation. While she later faced the challenges of addiction recovery, she described substance use as a coping mechanism that helped her survive circumstances that felt otherwise unbearable. Her story serves as a powerful reminder that when we look at substance use through a trauma-informed lens, we often see far more than addiction – we see someone trying to survive.

Of course, what begins as a survival strategy can eventually create new challenges. While substances may provide temporary relief from emotional pain, they can also deepen dependence, worsen mental health symptoms, and create additional barriers to safety and recovery. For survivors trapped in abusive relationships, this can make an already difficult situation feel even more impossible to escape.

As a result, leaving an abusive relationship that involves substance dependence can be especially dangerous and complex. Survivors may face withdrawal symptoms, homelessness, financial insecurity, threats from their abuser, or limited access to treatment and support services. Many have been isolated from friends and family for years, leaving them without the support networks that might otherwise help them rebuild. Others may struggle to imagine a future beyond the abuse, particularly if their abuser has spent years convincing them they cannot survive on their own. And, in some cases, survivors who reach out for help may discover that accessing services is more complicated than they anticipated. Substance use policies within certain shelters or residential programs can limit eligibility, leaving individuals who are coping with both abuse and addiction with fewer immediate options and difficult decisions about where to turn for safety.

These realities underscore the importance of trauma-informed support. Survivors facing both abuse and substance dependence need more than treatment for addiction alone; they need safety, compassion, and services that recognize the impact of trauma on their lives. Recovery is rarely a straight path, and healing often requires addressing both the effects of abuse and the challenges of substance dependence simultaneously.

Support systems can play a critical role in that process. Domestic violence advocates, mental health professionals, addiction counselors, healthcare providers, and community organizations can help survivors develop safety plans, access treatment, and begin rebuilding stability. Just as important, however, is creating environments where survivors feel believed rather than blamed.

Friends, family members, coworkers, and community members all have a role to play in reducing stigma. Too often, survivors encounter questions that imply judgment, such as “Why didn’t you just leave?” or assumptions that their substance use somehow makes them responsible for the abuse they experienced. A more supportive response might be as simple as saying:

  • “I’m here for you.”
  • “You don’t deserve this.”
  • “How can I support you?”
  • “There are people who can help.”

Healing from both trauma and substance dependence takes time. Survivors may experience setbacks, fear, shame, or uncertainty throughout their recovery journey. Yet recovery remains possible. With the right support, survivors can rebuild their sense of safety, regain independence, and move toward a future free from abuse and control.

Mental Health Awareness Month reminds us that trauma, addiction, mental health, and domestic violence are deeply interconnected. To truly support survivors, we must be willing to understand the complex realities they face – including the ways coercive control can intersect with substance use and dependency. When we approach these conversations with empathy rather than judgment, we create space for survivors to seek help, find healing, and reclaim their lives.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or have a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or clicking 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 26-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

Why It Can Take Time to Name Sexual Assault

Why It Can Take Time to Name Sexual Assault

Posted on by Anniston

Why didn’t they report it sooner?

It’s a question survivors are asked directly, and one many quietly ask themselves. The truth is, recognizing sexual violence is rarely immediate or simple. For many people, understanding what happened can take days, months, or even years – and there are very real, human reasons for that.

At the moment something happens, the brain is focused on survival, not analysis. When a situation feels confusing, threatening, or overwhelming, the brain can shift into protective modes like freezing, appeasing, or disconnecting. These responses are not choices, they’re automatic.

Later, when the moment has passed, survivors are left trying to piece together an experience that didn’t feel clear or straightforward in the first place. It’s not unusual for someone to think, “Was that really assault?” because their body responded in a way that prioritized getting through the moment, not labeling it.

When Reality Doesn’t Match the Narrative

Many of us grow up with very narrow ideas of what sexual assault “looks like.” We’re often taught to picture a violent attack by a stranger, something obvious and unmistakable. But in reality, sexual violence frequently involves someone the survivor knows – sometimes someone they trust, care about, or are in a relationship with. It may involve coercion, pressure, manipulation, or intoxication rather than physical force.

When an experience doesn’t match the story we’ve been told about sexual assault, it can be incredibly difficult to recognize it as harm. Survivors may minimize what happened because it “wasn’t that bad,” or because there were moments that felt consensual, or because they didn’t say no in a way they think they should have. They may focus on what they did or didn’t do, rather than what was done to them.

This is where downplaying often begins. Thoughts like “I could have stopped it,” or “I didn’t fight back,” or “they didn’t mean it like that” can take hold. These thoughts aren’t signs that the harm wasn’t real, they’re signs of someone trying to make sense of something that feels complicated and uncomfortable.

Normalization, Self-Doubt, and the Barrier to Reporting

We also live in a culture where sexual violence is, in many ways, normalized. Jokes that blur the line of consent, media that romanticizes persistence after rejection, and social environments where pressure and intoxication are expected can all make harmful behavior feel “typical” instead of unacceptable. When something harmful is normalized, it becomes much harder to identify it as harm.

This normalization plays a significant role in why many people don’t report sexual assault. If someone doesn’t fully recognize the severity of what they experienced, they are far less likely to seek support or report it. They may think, “This happens to everyone,” or “It wasn’t serious enough to count.” Even when something feels wrong, that feeling can be quickly dismissed in a culture that so often minimizes or explains away these experiences.

On top of that, survivors are often navigating intense self-doubt and social pressure. Questions about clothing, alcohol, relationships, or past behavior can create a powerful sense of responsibility for what happened. Even without anyone else saying it directly, those messages are often internalized:
“Maybe I’m overreacting.”
“Other people have had it worse.”
“I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.”

For many, acknowledging that what happened was sexual assault means confronting a painful and complicated reality – one that can impact relationships, identity, and a sense of safety. It can also mean anticipating disbelief, judgment, or consequences for the person who caused harm, especially if that person is known or connected to their life. In that context, minimizing or delaying that recognition can feel like a way to maintain stability, even if only temporarily.

Processing Takes Time, And That’s Valid

There is no “correct” timeline for understanding or naming an experience of sexual violence. Some people recognize it right away. Others come to that realization slowly, as they learn more about consent, talk with trusted people, or reflect on how the experience has affected them.

Delayed recognition does not make the experience any less real or serious. It does not invalidate someone’s feelings, and it certainly does not shift responsibility away from the person who caused harm.

As Sexual Assault Awareness Month comes to a close, it’s important to expand our understanding – not just of what sexual violence looks like, but of how people process it. When we move away from judgment and toward compassion, we create space for survivors to come to their own understanding in their own time.

Because the questions shouldn’t be “why didn’t they realize sooner? Why didn’t they report?”
Instead, it should be, “how can we better support people as they make sense of what happened to them?”

If you need any additional information, have a question, or have a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or clicking 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 26-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

The Right to Leave: Why Divorce Access Matters for Safety

The Right to Leave: Why Divorce Access Matters for Safety

Posted on by Anniston

Every March, Women’s History Month invites us to reflect on the progress women have made – and the work that still remains. We celebrate milestones like the right to vote, expanded access to education, and legal protections against discrimination. These victories are worth honoring. But they also remind us that rights and safety are not guaranteed simply because progress has been made.

Even today, there are policies in place across the United States that limit women’s autonomy and safety in ways many people don’t realize.

One example is a little-known legal barrier: in many states, a person cannot finalize (or even begin to file) a divorce while pregnant.

Specifically, in California, Texas, Florida, Missouri, Arkansas and Mississippi. And, in Michigan, it’s up to the judge whether to allow you to finalize the divorce before the birth and address parenting issues later.

For survivors of abuse or individuals trying to leave unsafe relationships, these restrictions can create serious barriers to safety, independence, and stability.

The Reality of Pregnancy Divorce Restrictions

Across the country, many states have laws or legal practices that delay divorce proceedings until after a pregnancy ends. Courts often require this delay due to legal questions surrounding paternity, custody, and child support. In some cases, the delay stems from long-standing legal traditions that assume that children born during a marriage should be legally connected to the husband.

While these policies may have originally been intended to clarify parental responsibilities, their real-world consequences can be deeply harmful.

When someone is pregnant and seeking a divorce, they may be forced to remain legally tied to a spouse for months longer than they intended. Even if the couple has separated physically, the legal connection remains. This can affect financial independence, housing stability, healthcare decisions, and emotional well-being.

For survivors of domestic violence, the consequences can be even more serious.

When Legal Barriers Create Safety Risks

Research has shown that the leading cause of maternal mortality in the United States is homicide, most often committed by an intimate partner. Pregnancy can be a time when domestic violence escalates, making safety planning and access to legal protections even more critical.

Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely simple. Survivors often face financial barriers, housing instability, threats, and fear of retaliation. The legal system should provide pathways to safety – not additional obstacles.

When courts refuse to finalize divorces during pregnancy, survivors may be forced to maintain ongoing legal ties with an abusive partner. This prolongs legal entanglement and can give abusers additional opportunities to manipulate, harass, or exert control.

This issue becomes even more concerning when we consider the risks pregnant individuals already face.

Policies that prevent someone from finalizing a divorce during pregnancy can unintentionally trap survivors in dangerous circumstances during one of the most vulnerable times in their lives.

Why No-Fault Divorce Matters

Another critical part of this conversation is no-fault divorce.

Before no-fault divorce laws were adopted, individuals typically had to prove wrongdoing – such as adultery, abandonment, or cruelty to legally end a marriage. This process often forced survivors to publicly relive traumatic experiences in court and made it extremely difficult to leave if they could not meet strict legal standards.

No-fault divorce changed that.

By allowing couples to dissolve a marriage without proving fault, the law recognized an important truth: no one should have to remain in a marriage they do not want to be in. More importantly, no one should have to prove their suffering to gain their freedom.

For survivors of abuse, no-fault divorce has been a critical tool for safety. It allows individuals to leave relationships more quickly, with fewer barriers and less risk of retaliation.

However, when additional restrictions (such as pregnancy-related divorce delays) exist within the legal system, they can undermine the protections that no-fault divorce was designed to provide.

Autonomy, Safety, and the Right to Make Decisions

At its core, this issue is about autonomy.

Adults should have the ability to make decisions about their own lives, relationships, and futures. That includes the decision to end a marriage.

When the law prevents someone from finalizing a divorce because they are pregnant, it sends a message that their autonomy is conditional. It prioritizes administrative convenience or outdated legal traditions over the real-life needs of individuals seeking safety and independence.

Women’s History Month reminds us that many rights we take for granted today were once fiercely contested. The ability to open a bank account, access higher education, control reproductive decisions, and pursue legal protections from abuse all came from decades of advocacy and change.

The work is ongoing.

Continuing the Conversation

Policies that limit the ability to finalize a divorce during pregnancy often operate quietly within the legal system. Many people (including those who may be directly affected) do not realize these restrictions exist until they encounter them firsthand.

Raising awareness is an important first step.

Conversations about safety, autonomy, and access to legal protections help communities better understand the barriers survivors face. They also encourage thoughtful discussions about how laws can evolve to better support people navigating difficult circumstances.

Women’s History Month is not only a time to celebrate progress. It is also a time to ask important questions about where we still need to grow. Ensuring that individuals can safely and independently leave a marriage without unnecessary legal obstacles is part of that ongoing work.

Leaving an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming. There are often many questions to consider – where to live, how to stay safe, how to care for children, and what legal options may be available. Navigating these decisions can be especially complicated during pregnancy or while parenting young children.

At Options, we understand that every survivor’s situation is different. Our advocates are here to help individuals explore their options, create safety plans, and connect with resources that can support them as they move forward.

Whether someone is considering leaving an abusive marriage, navigating legal processes, or seeking support for themselves and their children after leaving, our team can provide confidential advocacy and guidance. We can help connect survivors with community resources, discuss safety planning, and walk alongside them as they make decisions about what is best for themselves and their families.

No one should face these challenges alone. Support is available, and there are people ready to listen and help.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or have a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or clicking 24-Hour Chat with Options

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 26-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

It’s Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, and our students are leading the conversation

It’s Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, and our students are leading the conversation

Posted on by Anniston

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (TDVAM) – a time dedicated to raising awareness about unhealthy and abusive relationships among teens, promoting prevention, and making sure young people know where to turn for help.

But awareness doesn’t happen on its own.

At Hays High School, our Student Advisory Board (SAB) members are helping lead that work. They aren’t just participants in Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month – they are shaping the conversations, guiding our programming, and making sure the education we provide actually reflects what students are seeing and experiencing. Truly, these students are leaders in changing our culture.

Our SAB helps us understand what teens really need. They participate in and lead awareness events, help plan educational opportunities within the school, and give honest feedback that strengthens our prevention and response efforts. Most importantly, they bring student voice work that directly impacts their peers.

During Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, we asked our SAB members what this month means to them. Their answers remind us why this work matters.

For Bryson, our Treasurer, the issue is deeply personal.

“I have been in a toxic relationship that was nearing abusive,” he shared. “At the time, I didn’t fully understand what was happening, or the severity. I think it’s really important that students know how to recognize warning signs – and know how to contact resources for help if they need it.”

Bryson’s experience highlights something we see often: unhealthy behaviors don’t always feel obvious at first. Jealousy can be mistaken for love. Control can be framed as protection. “Playful” banter can quickly become demeaning insults. Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month creates space to talk openly about red flags (like isolation, manipulation, intimidation) and ensures students know how to reach out for help before situations escalate.

For Keeley, our Co-President, awareness starts with defining what’s normal – and what isn’t.

“Awareness is key,” she explained. “It doesn’t just happen to adults, and it’s important for students to recognize the situations they may be in. Some students might see unhealthy or abusive behaviors modeled in their own homes and not realize that it’s not normal. That’s why it’s so important to have these discussions – so we can define what is and isn’t abuse.”

Without clear conversations, harmful behaviors can become normalized. TDVAM gives us an opportunity to challenge those patterns and replace them with examples of healthy, respectful relationships.

Gracie, our Secretary, sees this month as a time to amplify voices that often go unheard.

“TDVAM is important to me because it’s an opportunity to advocate for people who might be afraid to ask for help,” she said. “Coming forward is a big deal for young people. They need to know they aren’t alone. There are people that love them and are here to help.”

For teens, asking for help can feel overwhelming. Fear of not being believed, social consequences, or embarrassment can keep someone silent. Seeing peers lead this work helps break down those barriers.

Johanna, a SAB member, focused on prevention.

“We have to keep these behaviors from being normalized,” she said. “If we don’t talk about it, people start thinking it’s just how relationships are.”

And Jude, also a member, reminded us how close to home this issue can be.

“I’ve personally known other students and friends who needed help. That’s why this month matters. It’s real.”

Teen dating violence isn’t just a statistic. It exists in our hallways, in group chats, and in quiet conversations between friends. 1 in 3 teens in the United States will experience some form of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse in their relationship before they graduate from high school. Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month gives us intentional space to confront that reality – and to respond.

Our Student Advisory Board ensures that this work isn’t something done to students, but something built with them. Their leadership makes our programming stronger, more relevant, and more impactful.

Interested in Joining Our Student Advisory Board at Hays High?

If you’re a student who cares about making your school safer and more informed, we would love to connect with you.

SAB members help lead awareness events, shape teen-focused programming, participate in educational opportunities within the school, and serve as connections among their peers. You don’t need to have all the answers – you just need a willingness to learn, speak up, and be part of meaningful change.

Students can contact our staff SAB sponsor directly at anniston@help4abuse.org or by calling 785-625-4202 to learn more about joining.

We are also happy to answer any questions from parents, educators, or students about what participation looks like and how this work supports youth leadership and safety.

Want to Start a Student Advisory Board in Your School or Community?

If you’re an educator, administrator, or community leader reading this during Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and thinking, “Our students need this,” we would love to talk.

Student Advisory Boards empower young people to lead prevention efforts, guide programming, and create awareness in ways that resonate with their peers. They ensure teen dating violence prevention is informed by student voice and lived experience.

If you’re interested in forming a SAB in your town or partnering with us to bring student-led prevention work to your school, please reach out. When students are trusted with leadership and given the tools to create change, they rise to the occasion.

And Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month is the perfect place to start.

Want to see our students in action? Check out this TikTok video from their Chalk About Love event earlier this month!

If you need any additional information or have a question or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 26-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

 

Walking Alongside Survivors: Inside Options’ Colby Office

Walking Alongside Survivors: Inside Options’ Colby Office

Posted on by Anniston
Krystal (left) and Kristy (right).

Tucked into northwest Kansas, Options’ Colby office serves as a vital lifeline for survivors of domestic and sexual violence in Colby and the surrounding rural communities. As Options’ Colby office, this area plays a unique role – bringing confidential, survivor-centered services closer to those who may otherwise face significant barriers to support. For Kristy, Rural Services Coordinator, and Krystal, Community Advocate, being physically present in Colby is central to survivor safety, trust, and healing.

Kristy brings nearly two years of advocacy experience from both the shelter and the Hays office, including facilitating the Ellis County Domestic Violence Support Group. Now based in Colby, she describes the work as deeply meaningful.

“I’ve had a lot of different experiences working with survivors,” Kristy shared. “Being present in the Colby office, I feel very excited to share my experience, strength, and hope with survivors of Colby and surrounding areas. I am honored to walk alongside survivors as they find their own path and begin their healing journey.”

Krystal in her office (look at all of those plants)!

While Kristy and Krystal are the two full-time advocates based in Colby, they are not working in isolation. Supervisors and other Options staff regularly travel to the Colby office to provide in-person support, help host community events, and build strong relationships with local partners. This ongoing presence helps ensure the Colby office stays connected to both the broader Options team and the Colby community, reinforcing the commitment to being visible, engaged, and responsive to local needs.

“All of Options locations work together as a team,” Kristy explained, “Good communication is important in-office and throughout the organization.”

For Krystal, the impact of having a local Options office is felt immediately by survivors walking through the door.

“I think having a face to greet you as you walk in during uncertain and scary times is important,” she said. “And having a person in the area to help traveling survivors who are fleeing.”

Kristy inside her office.

Survivors in rural communities often face unique and compounding challenges. Kristy notes that awareness of available services is one of the most urgent needs she sees.

“Knowing there’s help or a way out is critical for anyone experiencing abuse within the home,” she said.

Isolation is a common reality – survivors may be cut off from family, denied access to finances, or prevented from having reliable transportation. Krystal adds that housing is one of the most pressing needs in the Colby area.

“Housing can be a real challenge,” she shared. “It is really hard to find and secure as quickly as needed to be able to obtain it.”

Accessing local, confidential support can make the difference between staying trapped and finding a path forward. For many survivors, traveling long distances for help is simply not possible.

“It is closest to home for local people,” Krystal explained, “and sometimes home is the safest place to be when or while dealing with traumas.”

The lobby area of the Colby office.

Both advocates see how rural settings can intensify fear and hesitation in leaving abuse.

“A big barrier in smaller towns is absolutely awareness of what abuse is and where to find help,” Kristy said. “Fear of judgment. Societal stereotypes. Assumed family roles, all of that.”

Krystal echoed that concern, noting that geography itself can be a barrier.

“Location is a big one,” she said. “Rural living can be nice, but it’s not always easy while trying to stay safe or unseen in small communities. Plus, imagine having to flee from not only your relationship, but your place of work, or where your kids go to school, or where your friends are. There’s a lot more in leaving than people realize.”

Without local services, the consequences can be devastating – not just for individuals, but for the community as a whole.

“I think that some victims would never leave if they didn’t know help was available closer to them,” Krystal reflected. “Some would live shorter, more stressful lives due to chronic exposure to the trauma. Some already feel there is no way out as it is.”

Kristy sees those ripple effects as well.

Inspiring messages and cute, calming decor can be found all over the Colby office.

“When a community member suffers, so does the community,” she explained. “If there were no local services for those who are experiencing abuse it would be devastating. Families could leave, businesses could suffer, schools would have more challenges to overcome. Communities prosper from healthy members.”

The Colby office most often assists survivors with information, referrals, protection from abuse (PFA) assistance, court advocacy, counseling, and financial support. Krystal notes that financial control is a frequent tactic used by abusers in the area.

Resources and information brochures are widely available in all spaces of the Colby office.

“When people think about abuse, their minds often first go to the physical,” she said. “Around here, we see situations where the abuser generally controls the money and the management of it, leaving their victim stranded or totally dependent on them.”

Both advocates have witnessed powerful moments that underscore why this work matters. Krystal shared one such experience that remains with her.

A survivor came to the Colby office after their children had been taken by authorities. This was the place they had felt safest and most in control of their life after enduring abuse. When their counselor told them to leave the relationship due to the severity of the abuse, they knew Options already knew the truth of their story.

“So, she naturally turned to the place where she came to take the first step to removing herself and her children from the abusive relationship,” Krystal said. “We sat here for a little while and hugged and cried together before we began to plan for the next step.”

Over time, both advocates see survivors begin to reclaim stability and confidence.

“After seeking services and support, survivors express more stability, confidence, self-worth, and a clear direction for a safer future,” Kristy shared.

Krystal notices changes as well.

“They are more levelheaded about the things they continue to go through,” she said, “Because they have a better understanding that it isn’t them at all.”

That healing often begins with something simple: being welcomed.

Kristy hopes every survivor experiences “a warm, friendly, and relatable advocate’s welcome.” Both Colby advocates are survivors themselves, bringing lived experience into their work and reinforcing a powerful message – survivors are not alone.

Still, misconceptions persist. Kristy notes that many people believe advocacy services are not fully confidential, something these two advocates want to stress is not the case.

“We won’t report to law enforcement unless you request for us to do so. We will help you take the steps that YOU want to take, when you want to take them,” Krystal said.

She also wishes the community understood the heart behind the work.

“We are willing to help in ways we can at the time we can,” she emphasized. “We’ll get as creative as we need to in order to help a survivor.”

In practice, that creativity can look like many things. Options provides confidential advocacy, safety planning, protection from abuse (PFA) assistance, court accompaniment, referrals, medical advocacy, law enforcement advocacy, and help navigating housing, transportation, and financial barriers. For survivors in Colby and surrounding rural areas, support may look like coordinating rides to court or medical appointments, helping locate emergency housing when options are limited, or finding ways to safely access documents, communication, or basic necessities. Each survivor’s situation is different, and advocates work alongside them to problem-solve in ways that prioritize safety, dignity, and choice – meeting survivors where they are and adapting support to what is possible in the moment.

Looking ahead, both advocates envision growth and deeper community integration. Kristy hopes Options becomes an even bigger part of the Colby community, including the possibility of a local safe shelter. Krystal shares that vision.

“My hope is to be fully staffed with wonderful, heartfelt advocates who help meet the needs that are needed here in rural America,” she said. “That the Colby location someday creates a safe place to live in a shelter with help for those who want their life back from abuse.”

Kristy and Krystal both emphasize that the Colby office thrives when the community is engaged and aware of what Options offers. “We can’t do this work alone,” Kristy explained. “Community partnerships, referrals, or even just asking questions about our services… All of that helps us reach survivors and grow our impact. When the community shows up with curiosity and support, it creates a safer, stronger environment for everyone.”

Violence in the home, both advocates emphasize, is not limited by geography, lifestyle, or family structure. It exists everywhere. We are incredibly grateful for the advocates we have in Colby, and the work the community is doing in regard to this issue.

As Kristy puts it simply: “We are here for survivors. We are here for the community. We’re here for you.”

If you need any additional information or have a question or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options

Written by Anniston Weber

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 26-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

Stalking is Not Romantic: Dispelling the Myths From Movies and TV

Stalking is Not Romantic: Dispelling the Myths From Movies and TV

Posted on by Anniston

If you’ve scrolled social media in the past few years, you’ve probably seen posts about “the creepy stalker who’s actually hot” or jokes about obsessive behavior being “romantic.” Shows like You, popular books, and other “thrilling” media often present stalking as clever, charming, or even desirable – something to root for, or something that proves a character’s love.

It’s easy to see why this framing is so popular. Drama sells. A story told from the perspective of the person doing the stalking can make it feel thrilling, funny, or romantic. We often idealize the thought of someone being so in love with us that they become obsessed. But here’s the truth: stalking is never cute, never harmless, and never a sign of love.

Stalking is About Power and Control, Not Affection

 Romanticized portrayals ignore the core reality: stalking is a form of abuse. It’s about control, intimidation, and fear. It can include repeated unwanted contact, monitoring online activity, showing up uninvited, making threats, or manipulating someone’s sense of safety. The person being stalked is not “flattered” – they are being targeted and violated.

When media frames stalking as romantic, it erases the harm survivors experience. It can make stalking seem like a normal part of courtship or “persistent flirting,” which contributes to the dangerous idea that obsessive behavior is acceptable in relationships.

Survivors of stalking often face anxiety, sleep disruption, hypervigilance, and long-term trauma. They may have to change routines, move homes, change jobs, or limit social connections just to feel safe. Unlike on TV, there is no comedic relief or neatly tied-up ending. The danger is real, ongoing, and sometimes escalates to sexual assault or other forms of violence.

Stalking can also isolate survivors. Friends and family may minimize the behavior by saying things like: “Oh, they just like you.” Which leaves the survivor unsupported. Media that romanticizes stalking reinforces this harmful misunderstanding.

The Numbers Are Alarming

Stalking is far more common than most people realize. According to the National Center for Victims of Crime and The Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource Center:

  • 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men will experience stalking in their lifetime.
  • Nearly 75% of stalking victims know their stalker – a partner, ex-partner, family member, or acquaintance.
  • About 1 in 5 victims report being physically harmed by their stalker, and many more experience psychological trauma.

These statistics show that stalking is not rare, and it often comes from people survivors know, not strangers lurking in the shadows. Romanticized portrayals in media hide this truth.

Reality of Abuse

Consider the story of “Anna” (name changed for privacy), a college student who started dating someone who seemed attentive and charming. At first, she appreciated the attention, but soon he began monitoring her phone, showing up unannounced at classes and social events, and pressuring her to share passwords.

What may have seemed “cute” or “persistent” at the beginning quickly became controlling and frightening. Anna had to move apartments, involve campus security, and rely on a support network to safely set boundaries. The experience left her anxious and hypervigilant for years.

Anna’s story is far from unique – it illustrates how stalking can start subtly and escalate, and how it profoundly impacts daily life. It’s a reality that no movie plot should ever romanticize.

Why Media Representation Matters

When shows or movies glamorize stalking, they influence social norms and perceptions. Young audiences, in particular, may start to believe that obsessive behavior is a sign of passion or dedication rather than abuse. This can make it harder for survivors to recognize that what’s happening to them is wrong and for bystanders to take it seriously.

Stalking should be framed as the serious, harmful behavior it is. Showing the psychological toll on survivors, emphasizing consent and boundaries, and calling out obsessive behavior as abuse (even if it seems “cute” or “fun” in a fictional context) helps dismantle the romanticized myth. At the end of the day, humanizing stalkers (or giving them cute, relatable traits) side-lines victims’ experiences.

Awareness, education, and empathy are key. If someone discloses stalking, listen, believe them, and connect them with resources. Normalizing healthy boundaries and mutual respect in relationships is one of the most powerful ways to prevent stalking and support survivors.

Stalking is not a sign of love. It is a violation of trust, privacy, and safety. It is never casual, never cute, and never acceptable. By rejecting the romanticized portrayals in media and centering survivor experiences, we can help others recognize the real-life harm stalking causes and create safer communities.

If you or someone you know is experiencing stalking, support is available. You don’t have to face it alone.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.

“I Would Never Let That Happen to Me”: The Dangerous Myth We Tell Ourselves About Abuse

“I Would Never Let That Happen to Me”: The Dangerous Myth We Tell Ourselves About Abuse

Posted on by Anniston

“I would never get into an abusive relationship. I would never put up with that.”

I recently overheard this statement while attending a conference. It was said casually, confidently, and without hesitation – and it made me deeply uncomfortable.

Not because it was said with cruelty or malice, but because of how normal it sounded. The person who said it truly believed it. And in that moment, I realized just how many people likely think the same way.

That discomfort stayed with me – not just because the statement was incorrect, but because it reflects one of the most common and harmful myths about abuse. The belief that people who experience abuse somehow choose it, fail to prevent it, or “allow” it to happen. This mindset may feel empowering or reassuring to the person holding it, but it does real harm to survivors.

Statements like this reveal how deeply rooted victim-blaming still is in our culture, even when it’s unintentional. They suggest that abuse is something that only happens to “other” people – people who missed obvious warning signs, made poor decisions, or weren’t careful enough.

And that belief couldn’t be further from the truth.

The Illusion of Control

At the heart of statements like “I would never let that happen to me,” is the belief that abuse is something we can fully control – something that only happens if someone makes the “wrong” choices.

This belief offers a sense of safety: If I’m smart enough, confident enough, aware enough, it won’t happen to me. But that sense of safety is built on a false premise.

Abuse is not caused by a survivor’s lack of judgment. It is caused by someone else’s choice to use power and control.

No one enters a relationship expecting to be harmed. People enter relationships expecting connection, care, and mutual respect. Abusers do not announce themselves. They do not start relationships by being cruel, threatening, or controlling. If they did, very few people would stay.

This illusion of control also shows up in how people talk about leaving abusive relationships. There is a common belief that if a relationship is truly abusive, the survivor would “just leave.” But leaving is often one of the most difficult – and dangerous – parts of an abusive relationship.

On average, it takes a survivor seven times to leave an abusive partner permanently. If leaving were simple, quick, or safe, people would not return again and again. The reality is that abuse creates fear, confusion, and very real barriers to leaving.

Survivors may still love their partner. They may remember who that person was at the beginning of the relationship – or who they are during the “good” moments. Many rely on their partner financially, emotionally, or for housing. Some share children. Others have been isolated from friends and family over time. Leaving can mean risking stability, safety, or survival.

Remember that, generally speaking, abusive relationships do not begin with outright abuse. Survivors do not fall in love with someone who hurt them, they fell in love with someone who, at one point, felt caring, supportive, or safe. Letting go of that connection, even when harm is present, is not a failure. It is human.

The belief that people “stay because they want to” ignores the reality of trauma, manipulation, fear, and attachment. It simplifies a complex situation into a judgment – and in doing so, it shifts blame away from the person causing harm.

If awareness alone were enough to stop abuse, survivors wouldn’t struggle so deeply to leave. And if leaving were easy, no one would need support to do it.

How Abuse Actually Begins

Abusive relationships almost never begin with abuse. They often begin with charm, attention, and affection. An abusive partner may be thoughtful, funny, generous, and emotionally attentive. They may make someone feel seen, chosen, or deeply loved – sometimes more intensely than anyone ever has before.

This is not accidental.

Trust is built first. Emotional bonds are formed first. Only then does control begin to show itself – often slowly and subtly.

What may later be recognized as red flags often don’t feel alarming in the moment. Jealousy may be framed as care. Isolation may be framed as protectiveness. Criticism may be disguised as concern or “help.” Boundaries are crossed gradually, not all at once.

By the time behavior clearly crosses into abuse, many survivors are already emotionally invested, financially dependent, isolated from support systems, or afraid of what might happen if they leave.

This doesn’t mean they “allowed” abuse. It means they were targeted by someone skilled at manipulation.

Why Hindsight Fails Survivors

It is easy to look at abusive relationships from the outside (or after they’ve ended) and say, “I would have left,” or “I would have seen the signs.”

But hindsight is not reality.

Survivors often do recognize red flags eventually. Many try to set boundaries. Many try to fix things, communicate, or de-escalate. Many leave and return multiple times, not because they don’t understand what’s happening, but because they want to believe the person they love will change.

Judging these experiences from the outside ignores the complexity of abuse and oversimplifies a situation that is anything but simple.

How This Belief Fuels Victim-Blaming

Let’s call this type of mindset what it really is: victim-blaming.

The belief that “I would never let that happen to me” doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It is one of the main reasons victim-blaming is so widespread.

If we truly accept that abuse can happen to anyone – that it can happen to people who are smart, cautious, educated, and confident – then we also have to accept something uncomfortable: it could happen to us.

And that reality is frightening.

For many people, it feels safer to believe that survivors are somehow different. That they missed something obvious. That they made a mistake. That they stayed too long. That they “allowed” it.

By finding fault in the survivor, people create distance between themselves and the possibility of being harmed. This process (often unconscious) is a way of protecting themselves from fear.

If they did something wrong, then I will be safe as long as I do everything right.

This is how survivors get “othered.” They are treated as exceptions instead of evidence. Their experiences are dissected for mistakes rather than understood as harm done to them.

But blaming survivors does not make abuse less likely. It only makes survivors less likely to speak up.

The Real Harm of Victim-Blaming

When responsibility is shifted onto survivors, several things happen:

  • Survivors internalize shame and self-blame
  • People experiencing abuse hesitate to reach out for help
  • Communities become less safe and less supportive
  • Abusers are shielded from accountability

Survivors already ask themselves painful questions like Why didn’t I leave sooner? or Why didn’t I see it earlier? Hearing others insist they would “never allow” abuse reinforces the idea that survivors failed in some way.

That message doesn’t prevent abuse. It protects abusers.

The Reality: No One Is Immune

Abuse does not discriminate based on intelligence, education, confidence, age, gender, or background. People who are strong, informed, and self-assured can still experience abuse – because abuse is not about weakness.

It is about power.

Believing we are immune to abuse doesn’t make us safer. It makes us less prepared to recognize it and less compassionate when others experience it.

A healthier, more honest belief is not “I would never let that happen to me,” but rather:

  • “Abuse can happen to anyone.”
  • “People don’t choose to be abused.”
  • “Survivors deserve support, not judgment.”

Changing the Way We Talk About Abuse

If we want to truly support survivors and create safer communities, we must challenge the myths that make us feel comfortable at their expense.

That starts with examining our own assumptions, resisting the urge to blame, and remembering that abuse is not a failure of awareness or strength is the result of someone choosing to harm and control another person.

No one ever thinks it’s going to happen to them.

And when it does, what they need most is understanding, belief, and support.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.

"Ask An Advocate" - interview with Weekend Shelter Advocate Kady Mae Stevens

“Ask An Advocate” – interview with Weekend Shelter Advocate Kady Mae Stevens

Posted on by Anniston

For the past 3.5 years, Kady Stevens has been one of the steady, compassionate forces keeping our shelter running through the weekend hours – a time when needs can be high and resources across the community are limited. As a Weekend Shelter Advocate, Kady brings deep empathy, patience, and a genuine passion for helping people who’ve experienced hardship. She’s the kind of advocate who meets survivors exactly where they are, offering comfort, guidance, and understanding in moments that may feel overwhelming.

Kady is also deeply involved in the community, always finding ways to connect people with support, spread awareness, and build a culture of care. Her commitment to showing up – not just for survivors, but for the community as a whole – makes her an invaluable part of our team. Her work is driven by heart, and it shows in every interaction.

This is our final Ask an Advocate feature of the year, but we’re already looking forward to continuing the series next year and shining an even brighter spotlight on the incredible staff who make Options what it is.

Now, let’s get into Kady’s interview!

What is your name, title, and how long have you worked at Options?

 Kady Mae Stevens, Weekend Shelter Advocate, 3.5 years

What does a “day in the life” of your role actually look like, and how does it change from day to day?

 A lot of different things can happen on the weekends. So coming into work, you never really know what to expect. There could be moving of rooms that needs to happen. There could be a survivor needing transport somewhere. The hotline could be ringing off the hook. Children may want to play. Survivors may just want to chat. It’s always a toss up. It keeps things fresh though.

What’s one thing people misunderstand most about your job?

That “I am just a babysitter.” Nothing irks me more than when I tell people I work at the shelter and they say that back.

If someone shadowed you for a day, what would surprise them the most?

 I would say the fact that the shelter is a home. It’s a shelter that is actually a HOME. Who can really be comfortable in an institution type setting? We want to provide home with safety.

What’s the hardest part of saying goodbye to a survivor who’s moving on?

The hardest part of being a shelter advocate is when a survivor moves out and becomes a community survivor. They then get to work with the community advocates over at the office and your contact becomes much more limited with them. It’s always exciting though when someone calls the hotline on the weekend after they have moved out, because then you get to talk to them!

What’s a small “win” that makes you feel like the work you do really matters?

When a see a survivor thriving out in the community. Whether they are still in shelter or not. But when I see them at work, or downtown, or enjoying time with their children. Seeing them take back their life is so rewarding.

What’s a behind-the-scenes moment you’re proud of but few people would ever know about?

When I saw a survivor in public, but I was with my family. The survivor still came up and gave me a hug. No words were exchanged, just a quick look into each other’s eyes. That’s all that was needed. When my family asked who that was, I said “I have no idea, they must have thought I was someone else.”

What’s a ritual or habit you use to transition out of “work mode” after a tough day?

Probably diving into one of my other jobs or doom-scrolling.

How do you remind yourself to rest when you feel like there’s always more to do?

 As long as it’s not a life or death situation, it can wait.

Who or what do you lean on when the work feels overwhelming?

 A few select co-workers who understand what it can be like sometimes. And my husband. He reminds me that what I am doing is for the good.

Do you have a “comfort item” at work (a photo, snack, playlist, etc.) that helps you get through the day?

I like to play my worship music from my computer when I am working on documentation. It helps bring me back to me.

How do you celebrate even the smallest successes?

Really just by smiling and knowing that a difference was made, no matter how small.

When did you know that advocacy work was the right fit for you?

I’ve always been a helper. I don’t think I ever realized this is right for me, because it really has always been a part of me. I just have a more focused area of where I am helping.

If your younger self could see you now, what would they be most proud of?

That I don’t judge people for who they are or what they do.

What’s one thing you wish every survivor could hear and truly believe?

That they are worthy of a full and beautiful life.

What motivates you to show up on the really hard days?

 That someone is relying on me. That it’s not about me when it’s time to work. It’s about who needs my help.

What’s your go-to “pick me up” song or snack at work?

Popcorn with a lot of pepper and pink Himalayan salt!!!!

If you could describe your advocacy style in three words, what would they be?

Understanding, flexible, and listener

What’s one thing about you that your coworkers might not even know?

I am biologically an only child but I have 7 brothers and sisters.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.

"Ask An Advocate" - interview with Community Advocate Krystal Rodriguez

“Ask An Advocate” – interview with Community Advocate Krystal Rodriguez

Posted on by Anniston

If you’ve ever crossed paths with Krystal Rodriguez, you know she brings a spark with her everywhere she goes. As one of our Community Advocates based in the Colby office, Krystal has spent nearly a year pouring her passion, empathy, and fierce dedication into supporting survivors across northwest Kansas. Her fiery personality isn’t just for show – it fuels her drive to advocate, to stand beside survivors in their hardest moments, and to ensure they feel heard, believed, and cared for.

Krystal’s work in Colby is vital. Community Advocates often meet survivors where resources are limited, distances are long, and support systems can feel far away. Krystal shows up with determination, heart, and a deep commitment to helping people rebuild their sense of safety and strength. Her compassion cuts through crisis, and her presence brings warmth to moments that can otherwise feel overwhelming.

As we continue celebrating the incredible humans behind the work we do, we’re thrilled to highlight Krystal and the powerful impact she’s already made in her first year.
Now, let’s get into her interview! 

What is your name, title, and how long have you worked at Options?

Krystal Rodriguez.  Community Adv.  1 year in Dec

What’s one thing people misunderstand most about your job?

It is not a scary thing to help others.  Help looks different in many ways!

If someone shadowed you for a day, what would surprise them the most?

The weight that survivors carry daily due to their traumas from DV or SA  

What’s the hardest part of saying goodbye to a survivor who’s moving on?

That you won’t get to personally witness the rest of their growth and gains after they no longer are in need of our services 

What’s a small “win” that makes you feel like the work you do really matters?

Seeing a survivor, beginning to see their self-worth.   

What’s a ritual or habit you use to transition out of “work mode” after a tough day?

I enjoy a silent trip home. No music, or phone calls. I reflect on my day in my mind the whole way home, so when I get out of my car it all gets left n there until I leave for work the next morning.

Who or what do you lean on when the work feels overwhelming?

My Pitbull Lady and spending time with my kids

What’s something you’ve learned about yourself because of this job?

It is ok to not have an answer at that given moment! Have fun with some research. 

Do you have a “comfort item” at work (a photo, snack, playlist, etc.) that helps you get through the day?

My plants(many), and my betta fish.  I talk to them all!

How do you celebrate even the smallest successes?

Little victory dances or random outburst of excitement in my office!

What’s the most unexpected lesson a client or coworker has taught you?

You can’t truly help anyone who doesn’t want to be helped.  

When did you know that advocacy work was the right fit for you?

When meeting one of my first clients.  I shed tears with her as she told me her story. I wasn’t crying only for her horrific abuse, but because even through all the pain she had endured, I could still see the light and desire she had to want to grow and get away.  She had not given up in her faith of a life free of the pain away from her abuser.  I saw the potential growth she still had in her eyes to become her best version for herself, for her and her children. That’s when I knew I was in the right line of work!  Where even broken crayons color the best pictures and I was honored to get to help be a part of letting her see her true reflection! 

If your younger self could see you now, what would they be most proud of?

That I am a Hype Woman for survivors who want to Unapologetically take back their Personal Power and LIVE the best versions of their life!

What’s one thing you wish every survivor could hear and truly believe?

You matter, how you feel counts and NO you are not alone!

What motivates you to show up on the really hard days?

That today maybe the day that me simply just being present could change the existence of another person in need of help! 

What’s your go-to “pick me up” song or snack at work?

Dr Pepper & peach rings

If you could describe your advocacy style in three words, what would they be?

Connected, Judge-free, compassionate

What’s one thing about you that your coworkers might not even know?

I enjoy playing in my garden and yard projects!

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

This grant project is supported by the State General Fund for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, sub-grant number 25-SGF-07, as administered by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of Kansas Governor.