“I would never get into an abusive relationship. I would never put up with that.”
I recently overheard this statement while attending a conference. It was said casually, confidently, and without hesitation – and it made me deeply uncomfortable.
Not because it was said with cruelty or malice, but because of how normal it sounded. The person who said it truly believed it. And in that moment, I realized just how many people likely think the same way.
That discomfort stayed with me – not just because the statement was incorrect, but because it reflects one of the most common and harmful myths about abuse. The belief that people who experience abuse somehow choose it, fail to prevent it, or “allow” it to happen. This mindset may feel empowering or reassuring to the person holding it, but it does real harm to survivors.
Statements like this reveal how deeply rooted victim-blaming still is in our culture, even when it’s unintentional. They suggest that abuse is something that only happens to “other” people – people who missed obvious warning signs, made poor decisions, or weren’t careful enough.
And that belief couldn’t be further from the truth.
The Illusion of Control
At the heart of statements like “I would never let that happen to me,” is the belief that abuse is something we can fully control – something that only happens if someone makes the “wrong” choices.
This belief offers a sense of safety: If I’m smart enough, confident enough, aware enough, it won’t happen to me. But that sense of safety is built on a false premise.
Abuse is not caused by a survivor’s lack of judgment. It is caused by someone else’s choice to use power and control.
No one enters a relationship expecting to be harmed. People enter relationships expecting connection, care, and mutual respect. Abusers do not announce themselves. They do not start relationships by being cruel, threatening, or controlling. If they did, very few people would stay.
This illusion of control also shows up in how people talk about leaving abusive relationships. There is a common belief that if a relationship is truly abusive, the survivor would “just leave.” But leaving is often one of the most difficult – and dangerous – parts of an abusive relationship.
On average, it takes a survivor seven times to leave an abusive partner permanently. If leaving were simple, quick, or safe, people would not return again and again. The reality is that abuse creates fear, confusion, and very real barriers to leaving.
Survivors may still love their partner. They may remember who that person was at the beginning of the relationship – or who they are during the “good” moments. Many rely on their partner financially, emotionally, or for housing. Some share children. Others have been isolated from friends and family over time. Leaving can mean risking stability, safety, or survival.
Remember that, generally speaking, abusive relationships do not begin with outright abuse. Survivors do not fall in love with someone who hurt them, they fell in love with someone who, at one point, felt caring, supportive, or safe. Letting go of that connection, even when harm is present, is not a failure. It is human.
The belief that people “stay because they want to” ignores the reality of trauma, manipulation, fear, and attachment. It simplifies a complex situation into a judgment – and in doing so, it shifts blame away from the person causing harm.
If awareness alone were enough to stop abuse, survivors wouldn’t struggle so deeply to leave. And if leaving were easy, no one would need support to do it.
How Abuse Actually Begins
Abusive relationships almost never begin with abuse. They often begin with charm, attention, and affection. An abusive partner may be thoughtful, funny, generous, and emotionally attentive. They may make someone feel seen, chosen, or deeply loved – sometimes more intensely than anyone ever has before.
This is not accidental.
Trust is built first. Emotional bonds are formed first. Only then does control begin to show itself – often slowly and subtly.
What may later be recognized as red flags often don’t feel alarming in the moment. Jealousy may be framed as care. Isolation may be framed as protectiveness. Criticism may be disguised as concern or “help.” Boundaries are crossed gradually, not all at once.
By the time behavior clearly crosses into abuse, many survivors are already emotionally invested, financially dependent, isolated from support systems, or afraid of what might happen if they leave.
This doesn’t mean they “allowed” abuse. It means they were targeted by someone skilled at manipulation.
Why Hindsight Fails Survivors
It is easy to look at abusive relationships from the outside (or after they’ve ended) and say, “I would have left,” or “I would have seen the signs.”
But hindsight is not reality.
Survivors often do recognize red flags eventually. Many try to set boundaries. Many try to fix things, communicate, or de-escalate. Many leave and return multiple times, not because they don’t understand what’s happening, but because they want to believe the person they love will change.
Judging these experiences from the outside ignores the complexity of abuse and oversimplifies a situation that is anything but simple.
How This Belief Fuels Victim-Blaming
Let’s call this type of mindset what it really is: victim-blaming.
The belief that “I would never let that happen to me” doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It is one of the main reasons victim-blaming is so widespread.
If we truly accept that abuse can happen to anyone – that it can happen to people who are smart, cautious, educated, and confident – then we also have to accept something uncomfortable: it could happen to us.
And that reality is frightening.
For many people, it feels safer to believe that survivors are somehow different. That they missed something obvious. That they made a mistake. That they stayed too long. That they “allowed” it.
By finding fault in the survivor, people create distance between themselves and the possibility of being harmed. This process (often unconscious) is a way of protecting themselves from fear.
If they did something wrong, then I will be safe as long as I do everything right.
This is how survivors get “othered.” They are treated as exceptions instead of evidence. Their experiences are dissected for mistakes rather than understood as harm done to them.
But blaming survivors does not make abuse less likely. It only makes survivors less likely to speak up.
The Real Harm of Victim-Blaming
When responsibility is shifted onto survivors, several things happen:
- Survivors internalize shame and self-blame
- People experiencing abuse hesitate to reach out for help
- Communities become less safe and less supportive
- Abusers are shielded from accountability
Survivors already ask themselves painful questions like Why didn’t I leave sooner? or Why didn’t I see it earlier? Hearing others insist they would “never allow” abuse reinforces the idea that survivors failed in some way.
That message doesn’t prevent abuse. It protects abusers.
The Reality: No One Is Immune
Abuse does not discriminate based on intelligence, education, confidence, age, gender, or background. People who are strong, informed, and self-assured can still experience abuse – because abuse is not about weakness.
It is about power.
Believing we are immune to abuse doesn’t make us safer. It makes us less prepared to recognize it and less compassionate when others experience it.
A healthier, more honest belief is not “I would never let that happen to me,” but rather:
- “Abuse can happen to anyone.”
- “People don’t choose to be abused.”
- “Survivors deserve support, not judgment.”
Changing the Way We Talk About Abuse
If we want to truly support survivors and create safer communities, we must challenge the myths that make us feel comfortable at their expense.
That starts with examining our own assumptions, resisting the urge to blame, and remembering that abuse is not a failure of awareness or strength is the result of someone choosing to harm and control another person.
No one ever thinks it’s going to happen to them.
And when it does, what they need most is understanding, belief, and support.
If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.
Written by Anniston Weber
This project was supported by subgrant number 25-VAWA-07 awarded by the Kansas Governor’s Grants Program for the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice’s STOP Formula Grant Program. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/program/exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Office of the Kansas Governor or the U.S. Department of Justice.