Category: Uncategorized

Using "Therapy Language" to Abuse

Using “Therapy Language” to Abuse

Posted on by Morgan Hart

Within the past week, social media has been ablaze with the story of actor Jonah Hill being put on blast for text messages his ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady, shared on Instagram. Brady is a 25-year-old professional surfer, photographer, and activist who decided to share the texts with her Instagram followers after deciding that “keeping it to myself was causing more damage to my mental health than sharing it could ever do.”

In the texts, Hill is allegedly seen talking about how Brady needs to remove certain photos of herself from her social media page. And, that him asking her to do this was simply him setting “boundaries.” Below is a screenshot of the text messages shared on her Instagram story (be advised: explicit language is used).

I would specifically like to point out Brady’s note at the bottom of her Instagram story – the mentioning of the misuse of the term “boundaries.”

Brady is completely correct. In this text exchange, Hill is allegedly bringing up boundaries he has in his relationships. However, that isn’t what a boundary truly is. A boundary is something that you impose upon yourself – not other people. Boundaries are values and rules you set for your own behavior, not rules you can enforce on other people.

In the text above (and subsequent message exchanges), Hill is not setting boundaries. He is dictating the behavior and friendships of others. Dictating who a person sees, what the person does, what activities a person is allowed to do or isn’t allowed to do – those aren’t boundaries, they’re rules. What Hill has allegedly done in these messages is manipulate the person he is in a relationship with.

This misuse of the word boundaries is something we see a lot happening in abusive relationships, and the internet has coined this phenomenon as “weaponized therapy language.” As in, the abuser tries to rationalize and normalize their abusive behavior by using language used in therapy (such as “boundaries,” or “self-care,” or “gaslighting”). Abusers use this type of language under the guise of prioritizing their mental health, when in reality all they are doing is validating their selfish actions.

Also, in these texts, Hill is allegedly essentially saying that if Brady continues her job, that he will leave her. Sarah Brady is a surfer, social media influencer, and model. For her job, it’s pretty expected of her to post images of herself in her swimming gear. I mean, she’s surfing in her pictures – what does he expect her to wear? From my personal perspective, what she posts is honestly pretty modest anyway (but even if it wasn’t this is not the way to approach that conversation). Plus – Hill initially sought out a relationship with Brady by commenting on her Instagram selfies.  

Jonah Hill is a 39-year-old man. A 39-year-old man who is very famous and has a massive following. He is in a tremendous position of power over Brady (and almost anyone else he would get into a relationship with), and he was threatening to end their relationship over her occupation, her friends, and her personal life if she did not change every aspect of herself. He was (whether inadvertently or purposefully) using his influence and power over her to persuade her to do what he wanted to stay in the relationship with him.

If your partner is trying to control your life (that includes what you post on social media) then that is abusive behavior. If your partner constantly makes you feel intimidated, insecure, or guilty for aspects of your life, you could be in a controlling relationship. Guilt and shame are a tool abusers use to gain influence over their victim – which is exactly what Hill is allegedly attempting to do in these text exchanges.

A good partner in a loving, healthy relationship will not control or manipulate you. A good partner will bring their concerns to you and set boundaries for themselves – not shame and guilt you into doing their bidding. If you feel like you are experiencing being controlled in a relationship, please feel free to reach out to Options. We’re here for you.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Transgender Victims of Violence and Abuse

Transgender Victims of Violence and Abuse

Posted on by Morgan Hart

Sexual assault affects people of all walks of life, and members of the LGBTQ+ community experience disproportionate rates of sexual victimization. But all too often the experiences and voices of this community are left out of the larger narrative. In some places offering help for abuse, services are only available for survivors who are cisgender or in heterosexual relationships. As a result, the unique experiences of this community are frequently left unseen, unacknowledged, and often times, invalidated.

1 in 2 transgender people are sexually assaulted.

We are currently living in a time where anti-trans “bathroom” bills are sweeping the nation. Proponents of these bills tout an unsubstantiated argument about safety: Male perverts and pedophiles disguised as women (faux transgender people) will troll women’s bathrooms and sexually assault our wives and daughters.

As these laws pass, this imagined victimization happening inside bathrooms at the hands of transgender people is more closely becoming a reality for transgender individuals.

In fact, transgender and gender-nonbinary people in the United States are at greater risk of sexual assault at schools, stores, and other public spaces that deny them access to bathrooms or locker rooms that match their sexual identity, according to a 2019 study.

Transgender people are over four times more likely than cisgender people to experience violent victimization, including rape, sexual assault, and aggravated or simple assault.

Photo by Baran Lotfollahi on Unsplash

Even though the rates of sexual violence are high, the majority of trans people do not or cannot access services following an assault, including:

  • Urgent medical care and/or a forensic exam;
  • Reporting to law enforcement;
  • Getting the help of an advocate;
  • Gaining an order of protection or seeking other legal action;
  • Seeking long-term mental health care and healing options.

For LGBTQ+ survivors of sexual assault, their identities – and the discrimination they face surrounding those identities – make them hesitant to seek help from police, hospitals, shelters, or rape crisis centers, the very resources that are supposed to help them. In addition to this, many sexual assault services are only available to women– frequently only to non-transgender women. This often means that transgender survivors – transwomen, transmen, genderqueer individuals, and a wide range of other people of trans identities or histories– are unable to receive any services at all.

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

Often, trans people experience multiple forms of violence and re-victimization throughout their lifespan. From child sexual abuse, to adolescent relationship abuse, to sexual assault and domestic violence in adulthood, trans people face all forms of violence at a disproportionately higher rate.

While also experiencing a higher rate of intimate partner violence, transgender individuals experience unique vulnerabilities to IPV. For example, transgender people might have been rejected by their families or subjected to emotional abuse as children and teens. Research found that 57 percent of transgender people experienced some rejection by family members. This early trauma may make them more likely to experience domestic violence later in life, experts say, and make them less likely to have family members they can turn to for support.

A 2020 study done by the American Public Health Association found that transgender people are two times more likely to be a victim of domestic violence than their cisgender counterparts.

If you or someone you love is looking for LGBTQ-specific resources, the following are nonprofits focused on reaching out to the LGBTQ+ community through education, sharing of stories, support, and activism:

LGBTQ+ sexual assault and domestic violence survivors need acknowledgement and support to heal. Violence and abuse do not discriminate, and survivors are not alone. We see you, we believe you, and we can help.

At Options, we serve all victims and survivors of sexual or domestic violence – regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. All in need are welcome to access our services.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

2023 Survivors' Gardens

2023 Survivors’ Gardens

Posted on by Morgan Hart

Options is hosting our 3rd annual Survivors’ Iris Garden on May 31 in WaKeeney and June 1 in Quinter.

In floriography, the iris flower symbolizes faith, courage, valor, hope, and wisdom. While the blooms of this flower wither when cold weather arrives, colorful flowers reemerge each spring. During the dark days of winter, irises are a reminder that bright days lie ahead. Irises are always changing, and there are many different types of this flower.

These are the reasons why Options has chosen the symbol of the iris. Just like the flower, survivors are extremely courageous. We believe the flower serves as a reminder to survivors and victims’ that there is hope even during the darkest days. The Survivors’ Garden honors the courage and strength of will survivors of domestic and sexual violence empower themselves to escape the pain and fear of their experiences.

Victims and survivors need support now more than ever. Victim blaming runs rampant through the media which bleeds into our everyday lives. It is not uncommon for a victim of abuse to be relentlessly questioned and for abusers to go free. Excuses from abusers are accepted and victims are denied validation for the pain that was caused. We see these things unfold before our very eyes and then ask, “Why don’t victims ever tell?”

The Survivor Garden is a reminder that we are with you, in your community, reaching out to you to help end domestic & sexual violence. Join us during this event and be a part of something that will encourage strength and inspiration. We ask participants to write an encouraging message to survivors on an iris card and help us plant these in the ground during our event.

The WaKeeney Survivor Garden is on May 31 at 716 N 6th St, WaKeeney, KS at 3 p.m. The Quinter Survivor Garden is on June 1 at the Quinter Community Garden (Corner of Main & Fifth) at 5:30 p.m.

We thank you for your cares, prayers, and shares – the seeds we plant together, as a community in solidarity, send the message that with us, survivors of Domestic and Sexual Violence receive help, hope, and healing.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Rape Culture on College Campuses

Rape Culture on College Campuses

Posted on by Morgan Hart

Rape culture is the normalization of behaviors and environments that enable sexual assault and rape. This April, during Sexual Assault Awareness Month, it’s important that we focus on rape culture and how it influences the acceptance or normalization of sexual assault.

When I was entering college – and even during some of my high school events – I had some rules drilled into my brain:

  1. Don’t ever walk alone at night.
  2. Always carry pepper spray. If you don’t have pepper spray, carry your car keys between your fingers.
  3. Be aware of where all of the streetlights are.
  4. When you get into your car at night, glance underneath the car in case someone was hiding underneath. Always check the backseat.
  5. Never walk alone with headphones in.
  6. Watch your drinks.

A lot of my male friends and the men I’m around in my daily life don’t understand what I mean when I say “rape culture.” They haven’t been told countless times to not go out alone or to make sure they don’t leave their drink unattended for even a minute. They aren’t usually scolded for wearing clothing that is “too revealing” when they’re just wearing shorts or a skirt.

This is because we live in a culture that focuses on “harm reduction” rather than stopping the issue at the source. We place blame on the victim for not being smart enough to avoid being raped – rather than condemning rape altogether. People blame victims to distance themselves from an unpleasant occurrence and thereby confirm their own invulnerability to the risk. By labeling or accusing the victim, others can see the victim as different from themselves. People reassure themselves by thinking, “Because I am not like her, because I do not do that, this would never happen to me.”

Rape culture impacts men negatively too. Girls can take advantage of guys just as much as guys can. Actually, because of rape culture and our societies tendency to associate sex with masculinity, men rarely associate being taken advantage of by a girl as a “bad thing” – even if it makes them uncomfortable. For example, it’s common to hear a man talk about his first sexual experience being with someone several years older than him while he was still a young teenager. Or when a female teacher sexually assaults a student – it’s often taken less seriously in media.

No, men don’t typically experience the same fear as women when walking at night. However, men experience a different obstacle just as much as women do: being told their feelings of being violated are invalid. Oftentimes, this culture causes men to stay silent after engaging in sexual activity against their will. 

Photo by Juan Domenech on Unsplash

The impact of rape culture is even more prevalent on college campuses. There is a direct correlation between college campuses and rape frequency. According to RAINN, 1 in 5 women will be sexually assaulted by the time they finish college, while 1 in 16 men will be sexually assaulted by the time they finish college. This statistic demonstrates how the setting of a college campus enables this harmful behavior. 

This culture is highlighted throughout college, but specifically Greek life and fraternities. Greek life’s role in rape culture is certainly a prominent one. According to a 2019 study published by Sage Journals, fraternity members are three times more likely than nonmembers to rape someone. This is largely in part because observers (other fraternity brothers) were less likely to hold fraternity members accountable for sexual assault. Thus, the culture of protection appears to apply to fraternity members because they are “protected” by being perceived as less responsible for sexual assault, and their victims perceived as more responsible, than nonmembers. But the harmful effects of rape culture appear in college environments beyond just fraternities.

According to RAINN, most college-age victims do not report sexual violence on campus. This is especially the case for college-age women. Only about 20% of female college students report sexual assaults to authorities. The reasons college women may decide not to report assaults include embarrassment and fear the crime will happen again. Like women, male victims report sexual assault at low rates, potentially due to shame, humiliation, or the stigma surrounding men being vulnerable. In most sexual assault cases, the perpetrator is either a family member, an acquaintance, or someone the victim knows. Just 19.5% of rape cases are committed by a stranger. If a survivor knows the person who assaulted them, they may decide not to report the act of violence for many reasons, such as fearing for their safety or worrying about reprisals from their social circle.

There is a need, specifically on college campuses, to feel validated by other peers, thus causing victims to stay silent about unwanted sexual experiences. We must work to destroy the social atmospheres that promote and enable rape culture and the silence behind it. Rape culture on college campuses impacts all genders, and the social environment on many campuses creates an atmosphere in which the voices of victims are silenced. 

During this Sexual Assault Awareness Month, it is most important to remember that survivors are not responsible for having been assaulted. Sexual violence can happen to anyone, regardless of gender or age. Often, those who assault other people seek power and control over others.

Photo by Sir Manuel on Unsplash
Photo by kevin turcios on Unsplash

If You’ve Been Sexually Assaulted

  • Get to a Safe Place: Survivors often experience fear and disorientation after sexual violence. However, those who are attacked should immediately leave the location where the attack occurred and find a safe place.
  • Document What Happened: Predators often know their victims; therefore, survivors should compile proof of communication, if applicable. While difficult to consider, victims should not change their clothing or shower because authorities can use kits to confirm the perpetrator’s DNA.
  • Reach Out for Help and Support: Victims who go straight to the hospital can get help from local authorities to file a report. They can also call Options at 1-800-794-4624 or text HOPE to 847411 to be connected to an advocate that can help them through the reporting and medical process. Options advocates can help a victim navigate through their choices without judgement or pressure.
  • Seek Medical Attention: Receiving immediate medical attention may be crucial. Health practitioners are also able to collect samples during a sexual assault nurse examination to confirm the identity of the perpetrator. Healthcare facilities also offer screening for STIs and medicine that can help reduce the risk of HIV.
Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

If Someone You Know Has Been Sexually Assaulted

  • Safety is the most important thing at this time. Help the victim reach a safe location away from the assailant. Make the victim feel as safe as possible.
  • Many survivors blame themselves for the attack. Emphasize to the survivor that the sexual assault was not their fault.
  • Strive to be a supportive listener. Thank the victim for telling you it happened. Tell them you believe their story and that they don’t have to deal with this alone.
  • If you saw the attacker or witnessed any part of the sexual assault, take detailed notes about what you saw. Accompany the survivor to a hospital and ensure they meet with medical professionals specializing in sexual assault trauma.
  • Don’t forget to follow up with the victim. Encourage them to seek counseling and join support groups. Options has several support groups available, including one tailored towards college-aged individuals who have experienced sexual assault. Contact our Campus Advocate Anniston Weber at [email protected] for more information or call our hotline.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

April Events 2023

April Events 2023

Posted on by Morgan Hart

Options has several community activities and exhibits coming up during April in recognition of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Below is a list of all the public events that community members are encouraged to attend or visit.

What Were You Wearing – FHSU

Date: April 3 – 7
Location: Fort Hays State University, Taylor Gallery in the Center for Applied Technology
Time: 8 a.m. – 5 p.m.

Join Options and Jana’s Campaign in this exhibit that highlights real survivor stories. This art installation challenges the belief that what a person was wearing attributed to their sexual assault.  An advocate will be present during open hours (excluding the 7th).

Love and Healthy Relationships Expo

Date: April 5
Location: Fort Hays State University, Black and Gold Room in the Memorial Union
Time: 6 p.m. – 8 p.m.

The Center for Empowering Victims of Gender-based Violence is hosting an expo centered around healthy relationships. Options staff will be in attendance to take an in-depth look at victim blaming and how to advocate for your friends.

Walk a Mile in Her Shoes

Date: April 12
Location: Fort Hays State University, Quad
Time: 4 p.m. – 6 p.m.

There is an old saying: “You can’t understand another person’s experience until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” To get people listening, learning, and talking, Options is helping to host Walk a Mile in Her Shoes at FHSU campus. This event is a campus-wide march to bring awareness to sexualized violence.

What Were You Wearing – Colby

Date: April 13
Location: Colby Community College, Fireside Lounge in the Student Union
Time: 9 a.m. – 4 p.m.

This art installation challenges the belief that what a person was wearing attributed to their sexual assault. The exhibit asks viewers to understand that sexual assault is NEVER about the clothing the survivor was wearing. The sexual assault violates the survivor’s mind, physical being, and emotions; it is not simply woven into the fabric of the survivor’s clothing. An advocate will be present during open hours.

Red Flag Garden

Date: April 14
Location: Fort Hays State University, Quad
Time: 1:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m.

Us 4 U and Options are partnering to put on the Red Flag Garden to showcase problematic relationship behaviors. Each red flag we “plant” will have a different behavior that is a “warning sign” for abusive relationships.

What Were You Wearing – Big Creek Crossing

Date: April 17-21
Location: Big Creek Crossing in Hays, North end of the main hallway
Time: 10 a.m. – 8 p.m.

This art installation challenges the belief that what a person was wearing attributed to their sexual assault. The exhibit asks viewers to understand that sexual assault is NEVER about the clothing the survivor was wearing. The sexual assault violates the survivor’s mind, physical being, and emotions; it is not simply woven into the fabric of the survivor’s clothing. An advocate will not be present during open hours, but we have partnered with the surrounding stores to give information to anyone who may be feeling triggered by the content of the exhibit.  

Walk a Mile in Her Shoes – Colby

Date: April 27
Location: Colby Community College, Union
Time: 10 a.m. – 3 p.m.

There is an old saying: “You can’t understand another person’s experience until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” To get people listening, learning, and talking, Colby Community College and Options are hosting Walk a Mile in Her Shoes. This event is a campus-wide march to bring awareness to sexualized violence.

Broken Brides – Spring Art Walk

Date: April 29
Location: Farmers Insurance – Chelsy Proehl-Kofoid Agency (1012 Main St, Hays)
Time: 10 a.m. – 4 p.m.

Join Options at the Spring Art Walk to participate in an interactive art exhibit where “Broken Brides” will be unveiled for the first time. “Not every bride lives happily ever after.” For some, their wedding day is when abuse escalates. Many have reported that their abuse began to escalate as soon as they were married. Broken Brides is symbolic of how items have been used as a weapon or how items are necessary to cover up the abuse.

Hays High School Student Advisory Bake Sale – Spring Art Walk

Date: April 29
Location: Farmers Insurance – Chelsy Proehl-Kofoid Agency (1012 Main St, Hays)
Time: 10 a.m. – 4 p.m.

The Hays High School Student Advisory Board will be present at the Spring Art Walk for a bake sale where all proceeds will be donated to Options. There will be delicious goods of all kinds (cookies, breads, cereal bars, etc.).

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Thank you to our wonderful partners!

Andrew Tate and His Impact on Domestic Violence

Andrew Tate and His Impact on Domestic Violence

Posted on by Morgan Hart

Across social media, there has been an influencer that has been mostly unavoidable – especially if you are a young man. He’ll pop up in TikTok compilations, Instagram reels, Facebook videos, YouTube videos, and recently, television news shows.

His name? Andrew Tate.

But who is Andrew Tate, and why is he relevant to an Options blog post?

Well, Tate’s primary audience is young men, and February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.

In recent months, Andrew Tate and clips of his misogynistic views have attracted billions of views and millions of followers across social media.

Many of his videos appear, at first glance, to be harmless, even funny. In his classic straight-talking style, he berates men who drink tap water instead of sparkling water and people who own cats. “Real men have dogs,” is a phrase he has repeated multiple times on his podcast. Other material he shares is presented under a banner of “male self-improvement” – like how to earn money and gain respect as a man.

His past, which includes allegations of sex trafficking and assault, have been well covered. As of right now, Tate is detained in Romania over these accusations. Yet he still has a cult following of (primarily) young men.

Photo from: lifestyleasia.com

For some additional context, here are some of the things Tate has become infamous for saying:

  • “Why would you be with a woman who’s not a virgin anyway? She is used goods. Second hand.”
  • “If you put yourself in a position to be raped, you must bear some responsibility.”
  • “If we talk about tradition… Traditionally, every single man in history had multiple wives, and there was not a single woman who was celebrated for having multiple husbands. Female promiscuity has always been disgusting and frowned upon.”
  • “I was getting on a plane, and I could see through the cockpit that a female was the pilot and I took a picture and I said, ‘most women I know can’t even park a car, why is a woman flying my plane?’ and they banned me.”
  • “I think that women belong to the man.”
Photo by Norbert Kundrak on Unsplash

I work with several teenage boys each week, and I can hear the influence Tate has. My colleagues and work partners have expressed that they experience the same. Boys often reference him through memes, quotes, and inside jokes. Unfortunately, these exchanges are not positive and are often framed with violence. These “joking” interactions also bleed into the relationships that boys are having with girlfriends/female teachers/their mothers/etc.

Tate appeals because the things he says are “edgy,” which aligns with boys’ resistances to authority and media narratives. He also appears to have what boys have been trained to think they want – looks, a ripped body, several fast cars, boats, women, fame, and virality. His content about money and power is sandwiched between misogynistic rants or other hateful comments.

Ultimately though, Tate is simply the latest in a long line of extremely poor male role models who position themselves as the “answer” to young men’s insecurities. The things he says has led to an increase of rape jokes and the shaming of peers for not being as “masculine.” The prevalence of Tate has normalized these exchanges among young men. And, when “jokes” about rape or devaluing women increase, attacks on women increase as well.

This kind of extreme misogyny also harms men. Men who have sexist beliefs tend to have higher rates of substance abuse and depression and are less likely to be able to ask for and receive help, more likely to bully others, and are less likely to form intimate connections with women or men.

The popularity of men like Tate reinforces the need for preventative services that provide teenage boys with impactful programs, role models, and resources. But, if we want to help steer boys away from negative, toxic role models like Tate, yelling at them or ridiculing them for being interested in these viewpoints won’t work. We need to give boys the opportunity to express themselves and explore with them how such views can be harmful. When talking one-on-one to a student or child who has expressed Tate’s views, parents and educators shouldn’t immediately criticize Tate (according to experts). Coming from a place of judgement shuts the whole conversation down.

Photo by James Sutton on Unsplash

So, if you hear this influencer’s name being brought up – perhaps it’s time to sit down and talk. Ask them what they know about Tate. Ask if they like him, and then ask them why. Ask them how he makes them feel.

Instead of straight up defending Tate, you may hear a young man say things like:

  • “I don’t agree with his sexist comments, but he defends us, men.”
  • “No one is taking care of our mental health, and he does.”
  • “Men are lonely; he gets us. Okay, some stuff is bad, but honestly, he is right. Women can’t drive.”
  • “Do you know he gives money to charity? He can’t be bad. He opened a dog shelter and an orphanage.”

These reasons are why Tate is so pervasive. He peppers in real concerns into his violently misogynistic rants. It’s like that saying, “a broken clock is right twice a day.” He covers topics like men’s mental health but then laces it with comments about how stupid women are and how they should be subservient to men.

These young men who revere Tate are often times not genuinely bad – they were just tricked.

However difficult it is, however, awkward you find it or however angry it makes you – the most important thing is to talk about it. Andrew Tate and all he represents is too dangerous to stay silent on.

After all, while Tate might end up serving a lengthy prison sentence, he’s just a symptom of a larger problem. There will be another Tate-like influencer who comes around soon enough, and being prepared to talk to young people about these kinds of views can help to protect them from partner violence in the future.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Stalking: What is it?

Stalking: What is it?

Posted on by Morgan Hart

All too often, stalking is a precursor to unwanted physical contact. Many stalkers are persistent offenders who utilize many tactics to contact, surveil, control, isolate, sabotage, and otherwise scare their victims.

Stalking is a prevalent victimization across the United States, with growing numbers rivaling those of intimate partner and sexual violence. It is a form of violence with risks, support and safety planning needs, and legal responses. 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men will experience stalking in their lifetime.

All too often, stalking is a precursor to unwanted physical contact. Many stalkers are persistent offenders who utilize many tactics to contact, surveil, control, isolate, sabotage, and otherwise scare their victims. Unwanted, persistent phone calls, physically following victims, persistently sending unwanted gifts/letters/etc., sneaking into homes, and using GPS/other location services to track a victim are all ways that perpetrators engage in stalking.

Photo by Rene Böhmer on Unsplash

In movies or on tv, stalkers are often portrayed as shadowy strangers or mysterious secret admirers. In reality, most offenders know their victims and are primarily intimate partners or acquaintances. Broken down into percentages:

  • 42% of reported stalking incidents involve an
  • 40% involve a current or former dating partner.
  • 8% involve someone the victim has briefly encountered.
  • 8% involve a family member.
  • 4% involve a person of authority.
  • 19% involve a stranger.

This January, for Stalking Awareness Month, Options wants to highlight ways you can safety plan if you are a victim of stalking.

Stalking Violence Safety Plan
“Stalking Safety Strategies,” SPARC 2022 (www.stalkingawareness.org)

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Safety Planning for Workplace and School:

  • Give a picture of the stalker to security and friends at work and school.
  • Consider changing routes to and from work/school.
  • Adjust hours (if possible).
  • Have a colleague or security guard walk you to your car/other means of transportation.
  • Make sure your school/work knows not to provide your contact information.
  • If you have a protective order against the stalker, keep a copy of your protective order with you AND provide a copy to security and/or other trusted officials at your work or school.
Photo by Jacques Bopp on Unsplash

Safety Planning for Home:

  • Inform neighbors and/ or apartment managers about the situation.
    • Provide a photo/ description of the stalker as well as a photo of the stalker’s vehicle.
  • Pack a bag with important items in case you need to leave quickly.
  • Identify escape routes out of your house.
    • Teach them to your loved ones – especially if you have children.
  • Change locks and upgrade home security system.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Safety Planning Around Technology:

  • Update passwords to accounts frequently.
  • Change answers to your security questions so that the stalker is not able to reset your password or gain access to the account.
  • Adjust default settings on phone, apps, and websites so to prevent your location from being shared. Apps like Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, and even Google keep track of your location. These settings can be switched off in your phone. Additionally, make sure you are not sharing your location via Find My iPhone if you have an iPhone. The Find My iPhone app can also be used to see if you have any Apple AirTags on your belongings.
  • Do an internet search on your name to make sure none of your personal information is posted by others.
    • If you find information posted about you, notify the site’s webmaster immediately and request that the information be removed.
  • Don’t give your online identification information to others.
    • If the stalker has had access to your phone or computer, they may be monitoring what you do via Spyware, key logging software, and other means. A stalker may also see any changes that you make. You may want to:
      • Use another, safer device (for example, a friend’s phone, library computer, etc.). BUT if you are using a device that is not yours, make sure to delete and log out of your web activity.
      • Acquire a new device (if possible).
    • Change the settings on your social media profile to be for “friends only” so that strangers or people you may not want to see your posts aren’t able to see things that you share.
    • View your account from another perspective. Social media profiles often ask you to input and display your workplace, who you are in a relationship with, where you go/have gone to school, your hometown, and your current town. If these things are visible to anyone who views your profile, they have easier access to your location and personal info.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Human Trafficking: What is it?

Human Trafficking: What is it?

Posted on by Morgan Hart

Human trafficking is a largely hidden crime involving one or more people exploiting another person for labor, services, or commercial sex. The trafficker uses force or violence, fraud or false promises, or coercion and manipulation to lure victims and exploit them through physical, financial, or psychological means.

January is National Human Trafficking Prevention Month. This month is dedicated to raising awareness about different forms of human trafficking, ways to support trafficking survivors, and educating communities about these issues so that people are equipped to notice potential trafficking situations and report them to their local law enforcement.

According to UNODC, the crime of human trafficking consists of three core elements:

  • The Act: a trafficker must recruit, transport, transfer, harbor, or receive
  • The Mean: using methods of threat, use of force, coercion, fraud, deception, abuse of a position of power, giving payment or benefits, or abduction
  • The Purpose: for exploitation

Worldwide, experts believe there are more situations of labor trafficking than of sex trafficking, but there is much wider awareness of sex trafficking in the U.S. than of labor trafficking.

There is no profile of a trafficked person – trafficking affects people from all economic classes, racial and ethnic identities, gender identities, and sexual orientations, and both adults and children can be trafficked. However, human trafficking disproportionately impacts Native American, BIPOC, and LGBTQIA+ communities.

50 million people are currently estimated to be victims of modern-day slavery, globally. You probably don’t see it, but this crime occurs every day in the United States. Here are some key facts and statistics on human trafficking in the U.S. 403,000 estimated individuals are being trafficked in the United States.

Photo by Mediocre Studio on Unsplash
Photo by Majestic Lukas on Unsplash

Someone may be in a trafficking situation if they:

  • Seem distrustful of authorities.
  • Are shadowed by someone who seems to be speaking for them and controlling their behavior.
  • Have no passport or ID.
  • Have limited personal belongings.
  • Are wearing dirty, worn, or over-sexualized clothing.
  • Are unable or unwilling to answer questions about their living situation or employment.
  • Seem fearful or detached.
  • Avoid eye contact.
  • Appear malnourished or injured.
  • Have a “branding” mark/tattoo/scar.

Of course, these situations do not immediately indicate that someone is being trafficked, but if you notice these things, it may be good to speak out.

It is a myth that traffickers target victims they do not know.

As people scroll through social media, they are likely to come across a story or warning about “suspicious” people hanging out in their local Walmart parking lot or gas station. While these are situations to be wary of, many cases of human trafficking do not involve a “masked, mystery person” kidnapping their victim. Social media feeds also fill up with terrifying stories of children being snatched off the streets by traffickers, packaged in shipping crates or auctioned off online and sold to the highest bidder. Sometimes these stories are spread by well-meaning people who are truly concerned. Other times, they are being put forward by organizations and individuals with other agendas.

Many survivors are trafficked by romantic partners, including spouses, and by family members, including parents. For example, if a husband forces his wife engage in sexual favors to his friends in exchange for money or another good, that is trafficking. Initial consent to commercial sex or a labor setting prior to acts of force, fraud, or coercion (or if the victim is a minor in a sex trafficking situation) is not relevant to the crime, nor is payment.

All commercial sex involving a minor is legally considered human trafficking. Commercial sex involving an adult is human trafficking if the person providing commercial sex is doing so against his or her will because of force, fraud, or coercion.

These cases don’t only happen in underground industries, either. Human trafficking cases have been reported and prosecuted in industries including restaurants, cleaning services, construction, factories and more.

Human trafficking is often confused with human smuggling, which involves illegal border crossings. In fact, the crime of human trafficking does not require any movement whatsoever. Survivors can be recruited and trafficked in their own hometowns, even their own homes.

Not everyone being trafficked is physically unable to leave their situation, either. More often people in trafficking situations stay for reasons that are more complicated. Some lack the necessities to physically get out – such as transportation or a safe place to live. Some are afraid for their safety. Some have been so effectively manipulated that they do not identify at that point as being under the control of another person.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Every trafficking situation is unique and self-identification as a trafficking victim or survivor happens along a continuum. Fear, isolation, guilt, shame, misplaced loyalty, and expert manipulation are among the many factors that may keep a person from seeking help or identifying as a victim even if they are, in fact, being actively trafficked.

Human trafficking as portrayed in Hollywood and popular media looks a lot like kidnapping. The reality is much more complicated. Recognizing potential red flags and knowing the indicators of human trafficking is a key step in identifying more victims and helping them find the assistance they need.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

How to Help Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence

How to Help Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence

Posted on by Morgan Hart

It can be hard to know how to help a loved one who is experiencing domestic violence. That’s why during domestic violence awareness month this October, Options Domestic and Sexual Violence Services is dedicating time to sharing information for those who suspect someone in their life might need support.

A good start is to learn how to recognize signs of potential abuse. For instance, domestic violence can include physical or sexual violence, emotional abuse and intimidation, verbal abuse, isolation, and financial abuse. Abuse doesn’t always look obvious from the outside. You might notice a potentially abusive partner being controlling and jealous, attempting to isolate them from friends and family, insulting or demeaning them, attempting to prevent them from attending work or school, preventing them from making their own decisions, and threatening to harm them.

At the start of a new relationship, it’s not always easy to tell if it will later become abusive. In fact, many abusive people appear like perfect partners in the earliest stages of a relationship. Domestic violence warning signs don’t always appear overnight and may emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Every relationship is different and domestic violence doesn’t always look the same. However, one constant between all abusive relationships is an imbalance of power and control.

Some examples to look out for include:

  • Hearing the potential abuser tell their partner that they never do anything right.
  • Showing extreme jealousy of their friends or time spent away from them.
  • Preventing or discouraging them from spending time with friends, family members, or peers.
  • Insulting, demeaning, or shaming them, especially in front of other people.
  • Preventing them from making their own decisions, including about working or attending school.
  • Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking their money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses.
  • Pressuring them to have sex or perform sexual acts they’re not comfortable with.
  • Pressuring them to use drugs or alcohol.
  • Insulting their parenting or threatening to harm or take away their children or pets.
  • Intimidating them with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.
  • Destroying their belongings or their home.

Someone in an abusive relationship may not feel that leaving that situation is an option for them, due to fear of further violence, worries over how this could affect others in their life, or grief over the loss of what they feel is an important relationship. They may also believe that the abuse is their fault or hope that the abuser will change.

Photo by Sivani Bandaru on Unsplash

Many survivors feel compelled to explain or excuse an abuser’s behavior because they feel like what is happening to them is their fault. It’s sometimes most helpful to tell them that you’re concerned about them and make sure they know help is available for them when they’re ready. If you’re curious about more reasons for why someone may stay in an abusive relationship, read our article with stories from two Northwest Kansas survivors of abuse.

Photo by Dim Hou on Unsplash
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

What are some direct steps you can take to help someone experiencing abuse?

  1. Believe them.
    Believing a survivor can empower them to heal and end the stigma around sexual assault. All it takes is saying “I believe you.”
  1. Develop a safety plan.
    Help your friend or loved one to develop a safety plan that feels right to them, whether they stay or whether they leave.
  1. Help them find guidance.
    Encourage them to talk to people who are compassionate and can provide help and guidance. It can be frustrating to see a friend or loved one struggle.
  1. Provide moral support.
    Offer to go with them to talk to Options, a counselor, or other family members. If they have to go to the police, court, or a lawyer, offer to go along for moral support.
  1. Provide emotional support.
    Accept that you cannot “rescue” them. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person getting hurt must be the one to decide that they want to do something about it. It’s important for you to support them and help them find a way to safety and peace.
  1. Help them move forward.
    Encourage your friend or loved one to participate in activities outside of the relationship. If they end the relationship, be supportive. Even though the relationship was abusive, they may still feel need time to mourn the relationship and will need your support.
  1. Don’t be conditional.
    Remember that leaving an abusive relationship or seeking help are major steps. If the person you love makes the decision to stay in their relationship – continue to offer them support. Don’t deny them help or encouragement for not taking steps that you believe are correct. On average, it takes someone 7 attempts to fully leave an abusive relationship.
  1. Connect them with a service like Options.
    Contact our 24-Hour Helpline at 800-794-4624 to talk with an advocate who can walk you through how to help your friend or loved one. Our staff is trauma informed and can help you and the abused person find hope and healing.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Why do Victims Stay?

Why do Victims Stay?

Posted on by Morgan Hart

On average, it takes 7 attempts for a victim of abuse to permanently leave the relationship.

Leaving is considered to be one of the most dangerous times in a domestic violence situation. Abusers will repeatedly go to extremes in order to keep their victim from leaving. The Bureau of Statistics reports that each day in the US, three women are murdered by current or former intimate partner. In interviews with men who have killed their wives that either threats of separation by their partner or actual separations were most often the precipitating events that lead to the murder.

This reality is what kept Sarah (not her real name) from leaving her abuser.

Photo by Alexander Dummer on Unsplash

“I have children who need their mom,” she said. “He would threaten to shoot me any time I would pack a bag. He’d watch my every move for weeks if I even hinted that I was thinking about leaving. I couldn’t risk it when I know how much my kids need me.”

Sarah recalls that she attempted to leave her abusive partner over 10 times.

“I was just afraid to tell anyone what was going on. I hid this secret for years. I couldn’t handle any more judgement,” she said. “I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak for going back. I don’t think I was weak, though. I was just so, so scared. I had to deal with a man who was twice my size threatening to kill me if I walked out of our front door. He ruined my self-esteem. He called me names daily. I put up with it because I was afraid.”

A victim’s reasons for staying with their abusers are extremely complex and, in most cases, are based on the reality that their abuser will follow through with the threats they have used to keep them trapped. These threats could be that the abuser will hurt or kill them, they will hurt or kill the kids, they will win custody of the children, they will harm or kill pets or others, they will ruin their victim financially – the list goes on.

The victim in violent relationships knows their abuser best and understands the extent to which they will go to make sure they have and can maintain control. The victim may not be able to safely escape or protect those they love. A recent study done by the American Public Health found 20% of homicide victims were not the domestic violence victims themselves, but family members, friends, neighbors, persons who intervened, law enforcement responders, or bystanders. So, to put it simply, sometimes victims of abuse will not leave to protect those outside of the relationship that they care for.

Along with retaliation violence from an abuser, here are a few other reasons a victim of abuse may choose to stay:

  • Unsupportive friends and family.
  • Knowledge of the difficulties of single parenting and reduced financial circumstances.
  • The victim’s lack of knowledge of or access to safety and support.
  • Fear of losing custody of any children if they leave or divorce their abuser or fear the abuser will hurt, or even kill, their children.
  • Lack of means to support themselves and/or their children financially or lack of access to cash, bank accounts, or assets.
  • Lack of having somewhere to go and a fear that homelessness may be their only option if they leave.
  • Religious or cultural beliefs and practices may not support divorce or may dictate outdated gender roles and keep the victim trapped in the relationship.
  • Belief that two parent households are better for children, despite abuse.
  • The victim feeling that the relationship is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear.

Another survivor, Laura (not her real name), shared that her abuser had fully manipulated her into believing that he would change.

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

“I so badly wanted to think that things would get better, that he was just having a rough time at work or that the holidays were stressing him out,” she said. “When things were good, they were so good. I don’t think people understand that.”

Laura explained that her abuser would go through periods of showering her with positive attention. He would buy her flowers weekly, he treated her to nice dinners, he’d compliment her regularly, and he would offer to help with chores around their home.

Slowly, though, Laura said that these acts went away and were replaced with violence.

“It’s like he was holding all of these nice things he used to do for me over my head,” she said. “I remember the first time he hit me on the back of the head, and the next day he sent me flowers to my office. When I’d try to talk to him about it, he’d get defensive and say that the flowers were his apology, and I should be over it by now.”

Laura said she desperately wanted to believe that the good times would return to their relationship.

“I had seen what he was like before the abuse started. That’s the man I fell in love with,” she said. “It was almost like clockwork. He’d go months of treating me amazingly and then a switch would flip, and he’d start telling me I was worthless, stupid, fat, and annoying. Then he’d start hitting me if I didn’t clean the house the right way or say the right things to him. It was hell.”

Both Sarah and Laura are survivors of abuse from Northwest Kansas. They have bravely shared their stories to bring awareness to domestic violence and the challenges victims face when they are attempting to leave an abusive relationship.

Thanks to organizations like Options Domestic & Sexual Violence Services, Laura and Sarah are now living away from their abuser and free from abuse.

Options is celebrating Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Be on the lookout for more blog posts from us during the month of October, including information on how you can help individuals who are in abusive relationships.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber