Posts by Morgan Hart

April Events 2023

April Events 2023

Posted on by Morgan Hart

Options has several community activities and exhibits coming up during April in recognition of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Below is a list of all the public events that community members are encouraged to attend or visit.

What Were You Wearing – FHSU

Date: April 3 – 7
Location: Fort Hays State University, Taylor Gallery in the Center for Applied Technology
Time: 8 a.m. – 5 p.m.

Join Options and Jana’s Campaign in this exhibit that highlights real survivor stories. This art installation challenges the belief that what a person was wearing attributed to their sexual assault.  An advocate will be present during open hours (excluding the 7th).

Love and Healthy Relationships Expo

Date: April 5
Location: Fort Hays State University, Black and Gold Room in the Memorial Union
Time: 6 p.m. – 8 p.m.

The Center for Empowering Victims of Gender-based Violence is hosting an expo centered around healthy relationships. Options staff will be in attendance to take an in-depth look at victim blaming and how to advocate for your friends.

Walk a Mile in Her Shoes

Date: April 12
Location: Fort Hays State University, Quad
Time: 4 p.m. – 6 p.m.

There is an old saying: “You can’t understand another person’s experience until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” To get people listening, learning, and talking, Options is helping to host Walk a Mile in Her Shoes at FHSU campus. This event is a campus-wide march to bring awareness to sexualized violence.

What Were You Wearing – Colby

Date: April 13
Location: Colby Community College, Fireside Lounge in the Student Union
Time: 9 a.m. – 4 p.m.

This art installation challenges the belief that what a person was wearing attributed to their sexual assault. The exhibit asks viewers to understand that sexual assault is NEVER about the clothing the survivor was wearing. The sexual assault violates the survivor’s mind, physical being, and emotions; it is not simply woven into the fabric of the survivor’s clothing. An advocate will be present during open hours.

Red Flag Garden

Date: April 14
Location: Fort Hays State University, Quad
Time: 1:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m.

Us 4 U and Options are partnering to put on the Red Flag Garden to showcase problematic relationship behaviors. Each red flag we “plant” will have a different behavior that is a “warning sign” for abusive relationships.

What Were You Wearing – Big Creek Crossing

Date: April 17-21
Location: Big Creek Crossing in Hays, North end of the main hallway
Time: 10 a.m. – 8 p.m.

This art installation challenges the belief that what a person was wearing attributed to their sexual assault. The exhibit asks viewers to understand that sexual assault is NEVER about the clothing the survivor was wearing. The sexual assault violates the survivor’s mind, physical being, and emotions; it is not simply woven into the fabric of the survivor’s clothing. An advocate will not be present during open hours, but we have partnered with the surrounding stores to give information to anyone who may be feeling triggered by the content of the exhibit.  

Walk a Mile in Her Shoes – Colby

Date: April 27
Location: Colby Community College, Union
Time: 10 a.m. – 3 p.m.

There is an old saying: “You can’t understand another person’s experience until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” To get people listening, learning, and talking, Colby Community College and Options are hosting Walk a Mile in Her Shoes. This event is a campus-wide march to bring awareness to sexualized violence.

Broken Brides – Spring Art Walk

Date: April 29
Location: Farmers Insurance – Chelsy Proehl-Kofoid Agency (1012 Main St, Hays)
Time: 10 a.m. – 4 p.m.

Join Options at the Spring Art Walk to participate in an interactive art exhibit where “Broken Brides” will be unveiled for the first time. “Not every bride lives happily ever after.” For some, their wedding day is when abuse escalates. Many have reported that their abuse began to escalate as soon as they were married. Broken Brides is symbolic of how items have been used as a weapon or how items are necessary to cover up the abuse.

Hays High School Student Advisory Bake Sale – Spring Art Walk

Date: April 29
Location: Farmers Insurance – Chelsy Proehl-Kofoid Agency (1012 Main St, Hays)
Time: 10 a.m. – 4 p.m.

The Hays High School Student Advisory Board will be present at the Spring Art Walk for a bake sale where all proceeds will be donated to Options. There will be delicious goods of all kinds (cookies, breads, cereal bars, etc.).

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Thank you to our wonderful partners!

Andrew Tate and His Impact on Domestic Violence

Andrew Tate and His Impact on Domestic Violence

Posted on by Morgan Hart

Across social media, there has been an influencer that has been mostly unavoidable – especially if you are a young man. He’ll pop up in TikTok compilations, Instagram reels, Facebook videos, YouTube videos, and recently, television news shows.

His name? Andrew Tate.

But who is Andrew Tate, and why is he relevant to an Options blog post?

Well, Tate’s primary audience is young men, and February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.

In recent months, Andrew Tate and clips of his misogynistic views have attracted billions of views and millions of followers across social media.

Many of his videos appear, at first glance, to be harmless, even funny. In his classic straight-talking style, he berates men who drink tap water instead of sparkling water and people who own cats. “Real men have dogs,” is a phrase he has repeated multiple times on his podcast. Other material he shares is presented under a banner of “male self-improvement” – like how to earn money and gain respect as a man.

His past, which includes allegations of sex trafficking and assault, have been well covered. As of right now, Tate is detained in Romania over these accusations. Yet he still has a cult following of (primarily) young men.

Photo from: lifestyleasia.com

For some additional context, here are some of the things Tate has become infamous for saying:

  • “Why would you be with a woman who’s not a virgin anyway? She is used goods. Second hand.”
  • “If you put yourself in a position to be raped, you must bear some responsibility.”
  • “If we talk about tradition… Traditionally, every single man in history had multiple wives, and there was not a single woman who was celebrated for having multiple husbands. Female promiscuity has always been disgusting and frowned upon.”
  • “I was getting on a plane, and I could see through the cockpit that a female was the pilot and I took a picture and I said, ‘most women I know can’t even park a car, why is a woman flying my plane?’ and they banned me.”
  • “I think that women belong to the man.”
Photo by Norbert Kundrak on Unsplash

I work with several teenage boys each week, and I can hear the influence Tate has. My colleagues and work partners have expressed that they experience the same. Boys often reference him through memes, quotes, and inside jokes. Unfortunately, these exchanges are not positive and are often framed with violence. These “joking” interactions also bleed into the relationships that boys are having with girlfriends/female teachers/their mothers/etc.

Tate appeals because the things he says are “edgy,” which aligns with boys’ resistances to authority and media narratives. He also appears to have what boys have been trained to think they want – looks, a ripped body, several fast cars, boats, women, fame, and virality. His content about money and power is sandwiched between misogynistic rants or other hateful comments.

Ultimately though, Tate is simply the latest in a long line of extremely poor male role models who position themselves as the “answer” to young men’s insecurities. The things he says has led to an increase of rape jokes and the shaming of peers for not being as “masculine.” The prevalence of Tate has normalized these exchanges among young men. And, when “jokes” about rape or devaluing women increase, attacks on women increase as well.

This kind of extreme misogyny also harms men. Men who have sexist beliefs tend to have higher rates of substance abuse and depression and are less likely to be able to ask for and receive help, more likely to bully others, and are less likely to form intimate connections with women or men.

The popularity of men like Tate reinforces the need for preventative services that provide teenage boys with impactful programs, role models, and resources. But, if we want to help steer boys away from negative, toxic role models like Tate, yelling at them or ridiculing them for being interested in these viewpoints won’t work. We need to give boys the opportunity to express themselves and explore with them how such views can be harmful. When talking one-on-one to a student or child who has expressed Tate’s views, parents and educators shouldn’t immediately criticize Tate (according to experts). Coming from a place of judgement shuts the whole conversation down.

Photo by James Sutton on Unsplash

So, if you hear this influencer’s name being brought up – perhaps it’s time to sit down and talk. Ask them what they know about Tate. Ask if they like him, and then ask them why. Ask them how he makes them feel.

Instead of straight up defending Tate, you may hear a young man say things like:

  • “I don’t agree with his sexist comments, but he defends us, men.”
  • “No one is taking care of our mental health, and he does.”
  • “Men are lonely; he gets us. Okay, some stuff is bad, but honestly, he is right. Women can’t drive.”
  • “Do you know he gives money to charity? He can’t be bad. He opened a dog shelter and an orphanage.”

These reasons are why Tate is so pervasive. He peppers in real concerns into his violently misogynistic rants. It’s like that saying, “a broken clock is right twice a day.” He covers topics like men’s mental health but then laces it with comments about how stupid women are and how they should be subservient to men.

These young men who revere Tate are often times not genuinely bad – they were just tricked.

However difficult it is, however, awkward you find it or however angry it makes you – the most important thing is to talk about it. Andrew Tate and all he represents is too dangerous to stay silent on.

After all, while Tate might end up serving a lengthy prison sentence, he’s just a symptom of a larger problem. There will be another Tate-like influencer who comes around soon enough, and being prepared to talk to young people about these kinds of views can help to protect them from partner violence in the future.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Stalking: What is it?

Stalking: What is it?

Posted on by Morgan Hart

All too often, stalking is a precursor to unwanted physical contact. Many stalkers are persistent offenders who utilize many tactics to contact, surveil, control, isolate, sabotage, and otherwise scare their victims.

Stalking is a prevalent victimization across the United States, with growing numbers rivaling those of intimate partner and sexual violence. It is a form of violence with risks, support and safety planning needs, and legal responses. 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men will experience stalking in their lifetime.

All too often, stalking is a precursor to unwanted physical contact. Many stalkers are persistent offenders who utilize many tactics to contact, surveil, control, isolate, sabotage, and otherwise scare their victims. Unwanted, persistent phone calls, physically following victims, persistently sending unwanted gifts/letters/etc., sneaking into homes, and using GPS/other location services to track a victim are all ways that perpetrators engage in stalking.

Photo by Rene Böhmer on Unsplash

In movies or on tv, stalkers are often portrayed as shadowy strangers or mysterious secret admirers. In reality, most offenders know their victims and are primarily intimate partners or acquaintances. Broken down into percentages:

  • 42% of reported stalking incidents involve an
  • 40% involve a current or former dating partner.
  • 8% involve someone the victim has briefly encountered.
  • 8% involve a family member.
  • 4% involve a person of authority.
  • 19% involve a stranger.

This January, for Stalking Awareness Month, Options wants to highlight ways you can safety plan if you are a victim of stalking.

Stalking Violence Safety Plan
“Stalking Safety Strategies,” SPARC 2022 (www.stalkingawareness.org)

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Safety Planning for Workplace and School:

  • Give a picture of the stalker to security and friends at work and school.
  • Consider changing routes to and from work/school.
  • Adjust hours (if possible).
  • Have a colleague or security guard walk you to your car/other means of transportation.
  • Make sure your school/work knows not to provide your contact information.
  • If you have a protective order against the stalker, keep a copy of your protective order with you AND provide a copy to security and/or other trusted officials at your work or school.
Photo by Jacques Bopp on Unsplash

Safety Planning for Home:

  • Inform neighbors and/ or apartment managers about the situation.
    • Provide a photo/ description of the stalker as well as a photo of the stalker’s vehicle.
  • Pack a bag with important items in case you need to leave quickly.
  • Identify escape routes out of your house.
    • Teach them to your loved ones – especially if you have children.
  • Change locks and upgrade home security system.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Safety Planning Around Technology:

  • Update passwords to accounts frequently.
  • Change answers to your security questions so that the stalker is not able to reset your password or gain access to the account.
  • Adjust default settings on phone, apps, and websites so to prevent your location from being shared. Apps like Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, and even Google keep track of your location. These settings can be switched off in your phone. Additionally, make sure you are not sharing your location via Find My iPhone if you have an iPhone. The Find My iPhone app can also be used to see if you have any Apple AirTags on your belongings.
  • Do an internet search on your name to make sure none of your personal information is posted by others.
    • If you find information posted about you, notify the site’s webmaster immediately and request that the information be removed.
  • Don’t give your online identification information to others.
    • If the stalker has had access to your phone or computer, they may be monitoring what you do via Spyware, key logging software, and other means. A stalker may also see any changes that you make. You may want to:
      • Use another, safer device (for example, a friend’s phone, library computer, etc.). BUT if you are using a device that is not yours, make sure to delete and log out of your web activity.
      • Acquire a new device (if possible).
    • Change the settings on your social media profile to be for “friends only” so that strangers or people you may not want to see your posts aren’t able to see things that you share.
    • View your account from another perspective. Social media profiles often ask you to input and display your workplace, who you are in a relationship with, where you go/have gone to school, your hometown, and your current town. If these things are visible to anyone who views your profile, they have easier access to your location and personal info.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Human Trafficking: What is it?

Human Trafficking: What is it?

Posted on by Morgan Hart

Human trafficking is a largely hidden crime involving one or more people exploiting another person for labor, services, or commercial sex. The trafficker uses force or violence, fraud or false promises, or coercion and manipulation to lure victims and exploit them through physical, financial, or psychological means.

January is National Human Trafficking Prevention Month. This month is dedicated to raising awareness about different forms of human trafficking, ways to support trafficking survivors, and educating communities about these issues so that people are equipped to notice potential trafficking situations and report them to their local law enforcement.

According to UNODC, the crime of human trafficking consists of three core elements:

  • The Act: a trafficker must recruit, transport, transfer, harbor, or receive
  • The Mean: using methods of threat, use of force, coercion, fraud, deception, abuse of a position of power, giving payment or benefits, or abduction
  • The Purpose: for exploitation

Worldwide, experts believe there are more situations of labor trafficking than of sex trafficking, but there is much wider awareness of sex trafficking in the U.S. than of labor trafficking.

There is no profile of a trafficked person – trafficking affects people from all economic classes, racial and ethnic identities, gender identities, and sexual orientations, and both adults and children can be trafficked. However, human trafficking disproportionately impacts Native American, BIPOC, and LGBTQIA+ communities.

50 million people are currently estimated to be victims of modern-day slavery, globally. You probably don’t see it, but this crime occurs every day in the United States. Here are some key facts and statistics on human trafficking in the U.S. 403,000 estimated individuals are being trafficked in the United States.

Photo by Mediocre Studio on Unsplash
Photo by Majestic Lukas on Unsplash

Someone may be in a trafficking situation if they:

  • Seem distrustful of authorities.
  • Are shadowed by someone who seems to be speaking for them and controlling their behavior.
  • Have no passport or ID.
  • Have limited personal belongings.
  • Are wearing dirty, worn, or over-sexualized clothing.
  • Are unable or unwilling to answer questions about their living situation or employment.
  • Seem fearful or detached.
  • Avoid eye contact.
  • Appear malnourished or injured.
  • Have a “branding” mark/tattoo/scar.

Of course, these situations do not immediately indicate that someone is being trafficked, but if you notice these things, it may be good to speak out.

It is a myth that traffickers target victims they do not know.

As people scroll through social media, they are likely to come across a story or warning about “suspicious” people hanging out in their local Walmart parking lot or gas station. While these are situations to be wary of, many cases of human trafficking do not involve a “masked, mystery person” kidnapping their victim. Social media feeds also fill up with terrifying stories of children being snatched off the streets by traffickers, packaged in shipping crates or auctioned off online and sold to the highest bidder. Sometimes these stories are spread by well-meaning people who are truly concerned. Other times, they are being put forward by organizations and individuals with other agendas.

Many survivors are trafficked by romantic partners, including spouses, and by family members, including parents. For example, if a husband forces his wife engage in sexual favors to his friends in exchange for money or another good, that is trafficking. Initial consent to commercial sex or a labor setting prior to acts of force, fraud, or coercion (or if the victim is a minor in a sex trafficking situation) is not relevant to the crime, nor is payment.

All commercial sex involving a minor is legally considered human trafficking. Commercial sex involving an adult is human trafficking if the person providing commercial sex is doing so against his or her will because of force, fraud, or coercion.

These cases don’t only happen in underground industries, either. Human trafficking cases have been reported and prosecuted in industries including restaurants, cleaning services, construction, factories and more.

Human trafficking is often confused with human smuggling, which involves illegal border crossings. In fact, the crime of human trafficking does not require any movement whatsoever. Survivors can be recruited and trafficked in their own hometowns, even their own homes.

Not everyone being trafficked is physically unable to leave their situation, either. More often people in trafficking situations stay for reasons that are more complicated. Some lack the necessities to physically get out – such as transportation or a safe place to live. Some are afraid for their safety. Some have been so effectively manipulated that they do not identify at that point as being under the control of another person.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Every trafficking situation is unique and self-identification as a trafficking victim or survivor happens along a continuum. Fear, isolation, guilt, shame, misplaced loyalty, and expert manipulation are among the many factors that may keep a person from seeking help or identifying as a victim even if they are, in fact, being actively trafficked.

Human trafficking as portrayed in Hollywood and popular media looks a lot like kidnapping. The reality is much more complicated. Recognizing potential red flags and knowing the indicators of human trafficking is a key step in identifying more victims and helping them find the assistance they need.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

How to Help Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence

How to Help Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence

Posted on by Morgan Hart

It can be hard to know how to help a loved one who is experiencing domestic violence. That’s why during domestic violence awareness month this October, Options Domestic and Sexual Violence Services is dedicating time to sharing information for those who suspect someone in their life might need support.

A good start is to learn how to recognize signs of potential abuse. For instance, domestic violence can include physical or sexual violence, emotional abuse and intimidation, verbal abuse, isolation, and financial abuse. Abuse doesn’t always look obvious from the outside. You might notice a potentially abusive partner being controlling and jealous, attempting to isolate them from friends and family, insulting or demeaning them, attempting to prevent them from attending work or school, preventing them from making their own decisions, and threatening to harm them.

At the start of a new relationship, it’s not always easy to tell if it will later become abusive. In fact, many abusive people appear like perfect partners in the earliest stages of a relationship. Domestic violence warning signs don’t always appear overnight and may emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Every relationship is different and domestic violence doesn’t always look the same. However, one constant between all abusive relationships is an imbalance of power and control.

Some examples to look out for include:

  • Hearing the potential abuser tell their partner that they never do anything right.
  • Showing extreme jealousy of their friends or time spent away from them.
  • Preventing or discouraging them from spending time with friends, family members, or peers.
  • Insulting, demeaning, or shaming them, especially in front of other people.
  • Preventing them from making their own decisions, including about working or attending school.
  • Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking their money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses.
  • Pressuring them to have sex or perform sexual acts they’re not comfortable with.
  • Pressuring them to use drugs or alcohol.
  • Insulting their parenting or threatening to harm or take away their children or pets.
  • Intimidating them with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.
  • Destroying their belongings or their home.

Someone in an abusive relationship may not feel that leaving that situation is an option for them, due to fear of further violence, worries over how this could affect others in their life, or grief over the loss of what they feel is an important relationship. They may also believe that the abuse is their fault or hope that the abuser will change.

Photo by Sivani Bandaru on Unsplash

Many survivors feel compelled to explain or excuse an abuser’s behavior because they feel like what is happening to them is their fault. It’s sometimes most helpful to tell them that you’re concerned about them and make sure they know help is available for them when they’re ready. If you’re curious about more reasons for why someone may stay in an abusive relationship, read our article with stories from two Northwest Kansas survivors of abuse.

Photo by Dim Hou on Unsplash
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

What are some direct steps you can take to help someone experiencing abuse?

  1. Believe them.
    Believing a survivor can empower them to heal and end the stigma around sexual assault. All it takes is saying “I believe you.”
  1. Develop a safety plan.
    Help your friend or loved one to develop a safety plan that feels right to them, whether they stay or whether they leave.
  1. Help them find guidance.
    Encourage them to talk to people who are compassionate and can provide help and guidance. It can be frustrating to see a friend or loved one struggle.
  1. Provide moral support.
    Offer to go with them to talk to Options, a counselor, or other family members. If they have to go to the police, court, or a lawyer, offer to go along for moral support.
  1. Provide emotional support.
    Accept that you cannot “rescue” them. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person getting hurt must be the one to decide that they want to do something about it. It’s important for you to support them and help them find a way to safety and peace.
  1. Help them move forward.
    Encourage your friend or loved one to participate in activities outside of the relationship. If they end the relationship, be supportive. Even though the relationship was abusive, they may still feel need time to mourn the relationship and will need your support.
  1. Don’t be conditional.
    Remember that leaving an abusive relationship or seeking help are major steps. If the person you love makes the decision to stay in their relationship – continue to offer them support. Don’t deny them help or encouragement for not taking steps that you believe are correct. On average, it takes someone 7 attempts to fully leave an abusive relationship.
  1. Connect them with a service like Options.
    Contact our 24-Hour Helpline at 800-794-4624 to talk with an advocate who can walk you through how to help your friend or loved one. Our staff is trauma informed and can help you and the abused person find hope and healing.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Why do Victims Stay?

Why do Victims Stay?

Posted on by Morgan Hart

On average, it takes 7 attempts for a victim of abuse to permanently leave the relationship.

Leaving is considered to be one of the most dangerous times in a domestic violence situation. Abusers will repeatedly go to extremes in order to keep their victim from leaving. The Bureau of Statistics reports that each day in the US, three women are murdered by current or former intimate partner. In interviews with men who have killed their wives that either threats of separation by their partner or actual separations were most often the precipitating events that lead to the murder.

This reality is what kept Sarah (not her real name) from leaving her abuser.

Photo by Alexander Dummer on Unsplash

“I have children who need their mom,” she said. “He would threaten to shoot me any time I would pack a bag. He’d watch my every move for weeks if I even hinted that I was thinking about leaving. I couldn’t risk it when I know how much my kids need me.”

Sarah recalls that she attempted to leave her abusive partner over 10 times.

“I was just afraid to tell anyone what was going on. I hid this secret for years. I couldn’t handle any more judgement,” she said. “I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak for going back. I don’t think I was weak, though. I was just so, so scared. I had to deal with a man who was twice my size threatening to kill me if I walked out of our front door. He ruined my self-esteem. He called me names daily. I put up with it because I was afraid.”

A victim’s reasons for staying with their abusers are extremely complex and, in most cases, are based on the reality that their abuser will follow through with the threats they have used to keep them trapped. These threats could be that the abuser will hurt or kill them, they will hurt or kill the kids, they will win custody of the children, they will harm or kill pets or others, they will ruin their victim financially – the list goes on.

The victim in violent relationships knows their abuser best and understands the extent to which they will go to make sure they have and can maintain control. The victim may not be able to safely escape or protect those they love. A recent study done by the American Public Health found 20% of homicide victims were not the domestic violence victims themselves, but family members, friends, neighbors, persons who intervened, law enforcement responders, or bystanders. So, to put it simply, sometimes victims of abuse will not leave to protect those outside of the relationship that they care for.

Along with retaliation violence from an abuser, here are a few other reasons a victim of abuse may choose to stay:

  • Unsupportive friends and family.
  • Knowledge of the difficulties of single parenting and reduced financial circumstances.
  • The victim’s lack of knowledge of or access to safety and support.
  • Fear of losing custody of any children if they leave or divorce their abuser or fear the abuser will hurt, or even kill, their children.
  • Lack of means to support themselves and/or their children financially or lack of access to cash, bank accounts, or assets.
  • Lack of having somewhere to go and a fear that homelessness may be their only option if they leave.
  • Religious or cultural beliefs and practices may not support divorce or may dictate outdated gender roles and keep the victim trapped in the relationship.
  • Belief that two parent households are better for children, despite abuse.
  • The victim feeling that the relationship is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear.

Another survivor, Laura (not her real name), shared that her abuser had fully manipulated her into believing that he would change.

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

“I so badly wanted to think that things would get better, that he was just having a rough time at work or that the holidays were stressing him out,” she said. “When things were good, they were so good. I don’t think people understand that.”

Laura explained that her abuser would go through periods of showering her with positive attention. He would buy her flowers weekly, he treated her to nice dinners, he’d compliment her regularly, and he would offer to help with chores around their home.

Slowly, though, Laura said that these acts went away and were replaced with violence.

“It’s like he was holding all of these nice things he used to do for me over my head,” she said. “I remember the first time he hit me on the back of the head, and the next day he sent me flowers to my office. When I’d try to talk to him about it, he’d get defensive and say that the flowers were his apology, and I should be over it by now.”

Laura said she desperately wanted to believe that the good times would return to their relationship.

“I had seen what he was like before the abuse started. That’s the man I fell in love with,” she said. “It was almost like clockwork. He’d go months of treating me amazingly and then a switch would flip, and he’d start telling me I was worthless, stupid, fat, and annoying. Then he’d start hitting me if I didn’t clean the house the right way or say the right things to him. It was hell.”

Both Sarah and Laura are survivors of abuse from Northwest Kansas. They have bravely shared their stories to bring awareness to domestic violence and the challenges victims face when they are attempting to leave an abusive relationship.

Thanks to organizations like Options Domestic & Sexual Violence Services, Laura and Sarah are now living away from their abuser and free from abuse.

Options is celebrating Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Be on the lookout for more blog posts from us during the month of October, including information on how you can help individuals who are in abusive relationships.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

October Events

October Events

Posted on by Morgan Hart

Options has several community activities and exhibits coming up during October in recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Below is a list of the public events that community members are encouraged to attend or visit.

Tree Lighting Ceremonies

Join Options for a tree lighting ceremony honoring victims and survivors of domestic abuse. A poem will be read, and the winners of our Turn the Lights SalON contest will be announced. The tree will shine purple through the duration of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Hill City
Date: 10/3/2022
Location: East City Park, Hill City, KS 67642
Time: 7 pm

Hays
Date: 10/4/2022
Location: Union Pacific Park, 10th & Main Street Hays, KS 67601
Time: 7 pm

Colby
Date: 10/5/2022
Location: Fike Park, Colby, KS 67701
Time: 7 pm

 

Turn the Lights SalON! Contest

Salons across Northwest Kansas are decorating their windows with purple lights and accessories to bring awareness to domestic abuse. Travel around the town to view their window displays!

Participating Salons in Hays, Hill City, Colby, and Atwood

Winners announced at Tree Lighting Ceremony (Atwood will be announced via social media).

 

 

 

In Her Shoes (Interactive Activity)

Visit this interactive exhibit where participants move, act, think, and make choices as a person experiencing an abusive relationship. Follow the cards in this “choose your own adventure” style activity that highlights the struggles of leaving and finding help. Content and trigger warning: This event contains triggering and sensitive materials. Domestic violence, sexual assault, and graphic scenes are all mentioned within this event. Advocates will be present at the event if you need assistance.

Hays
Date: 10/11/2022
Location: Hays Public Library, 1205 Main St, Hays, KS 67601
Time: 4:30 – 7:30 pm

Hill City
Date: 10/17/2022
Location: Graham County Library, 414 N West St, Hill City, KS 67642
Time: 2 – 5 pm

Atwood
Date: 10/20/2022
Location: Atwood Public Library, 102 S 6th St, Atwood, KS 67730
Time: 5 – 7:30 pm

Colby
Date: 10/28/2022
Location: Pioneer Memorial Library, 375 W 4th St, Colby, KS 67701
Time: 9:30 am – 4:30 pm

 

Paint the Town Purple

Paint the Town Purple is an “art therapy” event that encourages individuals to express themselves and their experiences through creating. Those who participate are encouraged to leave a piece of their artwork behind to be included in a larger art piece that will be displayed at the Options offices.         

Hays
Date: 10/16/2022
Location: Union Pacific Park, 10th & Main Street Hays, KS 67601
Time: 2 – 6 pm

Colby
Date: 10/21/2022
Location: Colby Community College Student Union, 1255 S Range Ave, Colby, KS 67701
Time: 9 am – 1 pm

 

 

Wear Purple Day

Wear purple on October 20 to show your support of victims and survivors of domestic violence.

All of Northwest Kansas (and beyond!)

Date: 10/20/2022

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

Posted on by Morgan Hart

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. During this time, it is important to raise awareness of this stigmatized, and often taboo, topic. We use this month to shift public perception, spread hope and share vital information to people affected by suicide. Friends, families, and individual people should have access to the resources they need to discuss suicide prevention and to seek help.

Suicidal thoughts, much like mental health conditions, can affect anyone regardless of age, gender or background. In fact, suicide is often the result of an untreated mental health condition. Suicidal thoughts, although common, should not be considered normal and often indicate more serious issues.

Suicide and Domestic Violence

Richard McKeon, PhD, chief of the suicide prevention branch at the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), says that survivors of intimate partner violence are twice as likely to attempt suicide multiple times.

Physical and psychological abuse by a partner may trigger suicidal thoughts. However, other underlying factors are relevant, which concern individual and social issues. If a person develops depression or posttraumatic stress from abuse, these mental conditions may contribute to suicide and suicide attempts. For example, some abused women with suicidal tendencies indicate that they still deal with the psychological effects of sexual, emotional, or physical maltreatment experienced as a child. Combined with factors of low esteem, these psychological effects can trigger suicidal thoughts when victims blame themselves for their abuse. Research also shows that females in domestic violence situations are more likely to attempt suicide when low levels of social support exist. This includes friends and family networks. With all factors, the likelihood of suicide increases when victims use drugs as a coping mechanism.

  • Female victims of domestic violence have eight times the risk for suicide compared with the general population.
  • Fifty percent of battered women who attempt suicide will perform subsequent attempts.
  • Married females experience lower suicide rates compared with single females; however, if domestic violence is present in the marriage, the risk of suicide increases
  • If a pregnant woman is a victim of domestic violence, the risk of suicide increases. 
Photo by Sneha Sivarajan on Unsplash
Photo by Simran Sood on Unsplash

Suicide and Sexual Assault

Survivors of sexual assault also face a much higher risk of suicidal feelings.

Research has shown that survivors of sexual violence are more likely to be diagnosed with disorders like Major Depressive Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Both diagnoses are two that have the most impact on stress and anxiety, only falling short to the anxiety disorders. When there is a presence of severe stress and anxiety, it is much easier to experience intrusive suicidal thoughts and contemplation of suicide. According to statistics, over 1/3 of women who have experienced sexual trauma have thought about suicide. 

Studies reveal that survivors whose first assault occurred before the age of 16 were at an even greater risk, with suicide attempts occurring three to four times more than in those assaulted after that age.

  • More than 1/3 of women rape survivors have contemplated suicide at some point after their assault.
  • 16 percent of rape victims have attempted suicide.
  • Survivors of sexual assault are 10 times more likely to attempt suicide than those who haven’t experienced sexual assault.
  • 94 percent of women who are raped experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) during the two weeks following the rape.
  • Approximately 70 percent of rape or sexual assault victims experience moderate to severe distress, a larger percentage than for any other violent crime.

However, suicide, just like sexual and domestic violence, is preventable. Health organizations and experts uniformly agree that two of the most powerful mechanisms to prevent suicide are educating yourself about the warning signs and understanding how to support a friend/loved one. 

How can I help someone who is suicidal?

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), these are the best ways to approach a friend or family member who may be experiencing suicidal thoughts.

Offer Steadfast Support

If your friend is experiencing suicidal ideation, that means they’re hurting immensely — and they likely want to talk about it and feel heard. You can show your support by listening and giving them your empathy and compassion. It’s important to express empathy and understanding when someone is sharing these difficult emotions with you. 
A few examples of compassionate statements:

  • “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” It’s important to validate what your friend is feeling and experiencing. In addition, this statement shows that you care for and empathize with them.
  • “Can I bring you dinner? Would you like it if I came over?” Instead of asking if there’s anything you can do, think of a couple specific things that you could do to help or support your friend.  
  • “You mean so much to me. I can’t imagine life without you.” Take a moment to let your friend know just how much you love and care for them. You might even remind them of a funny or heartwarming memory. Be sure to do so in a calm, non-aggressive way. 
  • “I know that you’re in pain.”
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Validating how your friend is feeling and reiterating to them that you are there to help however you can let them know that they are not alone or wrong for feeling this way.  

Ask Questions

After listening to your friend, it’s then time to take a more active role in the conversation. Sometimes, an individual’s suicidal ideation isn’t obvious — but if you do have the slightest suspicion that your friend might be suicidal or is thinking about suicide, be direct and ask them about it. Here are a few questions you could ask:

  • Do you think about hurting yourself?
  • Do you think about dying?
  • Do you think your friends and family would be better off without you?

If they answer yes to any of these questions, then follow up with these questions: 

  • Do you have a plan?
  • ​Do you have the means to carry out that plan? 

Asking these questions will allow you to better gauge the severity of their symptoms and help you decide which step you need to take next.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Know When It’s Time to Act

If you are having this conversation with a friend, it’s time to reach out to somebody. However, depending on whether your friend is actively suicidal (seriously considering suicide, has a plan or the means to carry out a plan) or experiencing suicidal ideation without any intention of acting on it (passively suicidal) — you need to make sure they are getting the appropriate level of care.
 
Option 1: Ensure they see a therapist.
If your friend is depressed, but not actively suicidal, you should encourage them to see a therapist if they aren’t already. You can help by offering to research and make calls if they are not feeling up to finding a therapist themselves. You should also check in regularly to see how they are and make sure their symptoms have not escalated toward crisis. 

Option 2: Seek immediate help.
If they convey that they are actively suicidal, you should get them help immediately. If they have a therapist or psychiatrist, call them to ask if they have a crisis plan in place or what you should do. If they don’t have a therapist, you should take them to the hospital for an evaluation. 
 
If you are a child or teenager, it is essential that you tell a trusted adult (parent, teacher, school counselor, doctor, church leader, family friend, etc.) — even if your friend tells you not to. 

What can I do to take care of myself?

Whether it be before, during, or after both the violent experience and/or suicidal ideation, there are many different ways that you can take care of yourself. It should be noted that these are easy/simple examples of things to do when you are not in a crisis state. If you are currently experiencing suicidal thoughts please contact a close friend, family member, or the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

Photo by Yerlin Matu on Unsplash
Photo by Seven Shooter on Unsplash
Photo by Drew Coffman on Unsplash

Physical examples

  • What does your sleep schedule look like? What can you do to help get back into a steady sleep pattern and feel more rested?
  • What kind of food are you putting into your body? What food helps you feel capable of taking on the day?
  • Is there any kind of movement that you enjoy? What activities can you do to help fuel your imagination or physical needs?
  • How can you reset your routine? How might your routine look different with the unique circumstances in this moment? What can you do to start and/or end your day on a good note?

Emotional examples

  • What do you like to do for fun? What do you have to look forward to?
  • Do you like to journal? What words inspire you today?

Note: journaling does not have to be a novel of all of the day’s activities. It can be as simple as writing a mantra or three things you’re grateful for today.

  • Do you have a spiritual practice that brings you joy? What do you do to relax and rejuvenate? 
  • Who are people that can reach out to, that you trust? What are some ways you can be with them? 
  • Where is a special place you can go, whether it’s alone or with others, that helps you feel comfortable and grounded?

Through answering these questions, you can create a self-care routine that is best suited for your unique experience. If you have experienced se

Options works to support victims of domestic and sexual violence by providing resources to local mental health professionals. Our team of advocates are kind, understanding, and empathetic towards individuals who have experienced mental health related problems from their abuse.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

Title IX - Know Your Rights

Title IX – Know Your Rights

Posted on by Morgan Hart

For most of us, August means winding down summer and returning to school.

Schools that receive federal funding must abide by a civil rights law known as Title IX. Under this law, when a student experiences sexual violence and notifies their school, the school is obligated to take measures to ensure that the student feels safe on campus and can fully access their education in the wake of violence. Student survivors do not have to officially report sexual violence to access accommodations like moving a test deadline or changing dorms, but some survivors choose to formally report so that the school can take action against their perpetrator. In other words, schools are bound by Title IX to help make sure sexual violence does not push a survivor out of school.

Photo by Jesús Rodríguez on Unsplash

But for some, telling Title IX officers about sexual violence brings about new problems that can add to the trauma of being assaulted. Slipping grades, fear of leaving a dorm room, or needing to transfer schools are all examples of what may happen to a survivor of sexual assault in a school setting.

A study done by Know Your IX (a youth advocacy group) found that 39% of sexual assault victims in college or university were forced to take a leave of absence from school, transfer to a new school, or drop out of school altogether. 35% of survivors report that their schools explicitly encourage them to take time off.

In addition to leaving school, more than 40% of survivors developed PTSD, more than one-third experienced anxiety, and more than one-quarter became depressed

Several survivors have explained that their PTSD, anxiety, or depression diagnosis were linked not only to the violence, but also to their schools’ responses to that violence. The shame that is sometimes placed upon an individual for reporting a crime (especially if the perpetrator is “well-liked” or heavily involved with sports or Greek Life) amounts to a large portion of the struggle with being assaulted.

In fact, 70% of survivors who reported to their school experienced adverse effects on their safety and privacy. Not only that, but 15% of survivors who reported to their schools were threatened with or faced punishment for coming forward. The most commonly reported forms were punishment for “ancillary misconduct,” the violence itself construed as the survivor’s own misconduct and speaking out.

For example, one survivor that participated in the Know Your IX study said that their school was more concerned with the fake ID they had used that night than the fact that they had been raped. Another survivor said that her school refused to protect her from being inappropriately touched during class – and she was punished for fighting back.

Survivors who report to their schools are also afraid of cross-filing. More than 1 in 5 survivors are threatened with a defamation suit for coming forward.

When schools prioritize the view of the perpetrator rather than the victim, it creates a distrust within the entire system. Title IX is in place to protect students and we should be motivating schools to follow through with these laws and believe survivors.

Photo by Monica Melton on Unsplash

Right now, the cost of reporting is high for student survivors – but it doesn’t have to be this way. Schools can take meaningful action to ensure that no student is denied equal access to education because of sexual violence and discrimination.

Mental health access on schools, academic accommodations, fair discipline processes, and finding ways to limit perpetrator backlash are all ways we can begin to improve our response to victims in schools.

The cost of an education should never include sexual violence.

At Options, we have staff members who will help you in the reporting process if you have experienced sexual assault. Reporting to Title IX can be a daunting task, but we are here to make sure that you get the representation and accommodations that you deserve. Advocates are here to help you.

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber

June is Elder Abuse Awareness Month

June is Elder Abuse Awareness Month

Posted on by Morgan Hart

June is also Elder Abuse Awareness Month.

Elder abuse is an intentional act or failure to act that causes or creates a risk of harm to an older adult. An older adult is considered to be someone age 60 or older. This kind of abuse can occur at the hands of a caregiver, family member, or another elderly patient if the elder is in a communal living setting. Common types of elder abuse include:

  • Physical Abuse. When an elder experiences illness, pain, injury, functional impairment, distress, or death as a result of the intentional use of physical force they are experiencing physical abuse. Physical force could be acts such as hitting, kicking, pushing, slapping, or burning.
  • Sexual Abuse. This involves forced or unwanted sexual interaction of any kind with an older adult. This may include unwanted sexual contact or penetration or non-contact acts such as sexual harassment.
  • Emotional or Psychological Abuse. Verbal or nonverbal behaviors that inflict anguish, mental pain, fear, or distress on an older adult are considered emotional and psychological abuse. Examples include humiliation or disrespect, verbal and non-verbal threats, harassment, and geographic or interpersonal isolation.
  • Neglect. The failure to meet an older adult’s basic needs. These needs include food, water, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and essential medical care.
  • Financial Abuse. The illegal, unauthorized, or improper use of an elder’s money, benefits, belongings, property, or assets for the benefit of someone other than the older adult.
Photo by Mari Lezhava on Unsplash

Why Does Elder Abuse Occur?

Many cases occur for the same reasons that it occurs in younger people. However, some aspects of elder abuse are unique. The elderly are oftentimes considered a vulnerable population. This is because many victims have dementia or other conditions that render them vulnerable. They are sometimes unable to communicate that they have been sexually assaulted or physically abused. This may be a reason they are targeted in the first place.

Another unique aspect of the sexual abuse of elders are situations in which patients with Alzheimer’s Disease or related dementias develop heightened sexual urges because of their disease. In community settings this can be extremely distressing to an older spouse who is trying to care for such a patient. Some of these health conditions also cause memory and judgement issues, allowing for them to be more susceptible to financial abuse.

Patient to patient abuse is another unique aspect of elder abuse since this occurs in nursing homes and other institutional settings. It can lead to sexual assault by one resident on another since many patients with dementia are typically living close together.

Elder abuse is a serious problem in the United States. Abuse, including neglect and exploitation, is experienced by about 1 in 6 people aged 60 and older who live at home. From 2002 to 2016, more than 643,000 older adults were treated in the emergency department for nonfatal assaults and over 19,000 homicides occurred. Rates of elder abuse are high in institutions such as nursing homes and long-term care facilities, with 2 in 3 staff reporting that they have committed abuse in the past year, according to the World Health Organization.

Elder abuse can have several physical and emotional effects on an older adult. Victims are fearful and anxious. They may have problems with trust and be wary of others. Many victims suffer physical injuries. Some are minor, like cuts, scratches, bruises, and welts. Others are more serious and can cause lasting disabilities. These include head injuries, broken bones, constant physical pain, and soreness. Physical injuries can also lead to premature death and make existing health problems worse.

There are several factors that may increase or decrease the risk of perpetrating and/or experiencing elder abuse. To prevent elder abuse, we must understand and address the factors that put people at risk for or protect them from violence.

You can help end elder abuse by:

  • Listening to older adults and their caregivers to understand their challenges and provide support.
  • Reporting abuse or suspected abuse to local adult protective services or the police.
  • Educating yourself and others about how to recognize and report elder abuse.
  • Learning how the signs of elder abuse differ from the normal aging process.
  • Checking in on older adults who may have few friends and family members.
  • Providing over-burdened caregivers with support such as help from friends, family, or local relief care groups; adult day care programs; counseling; outlets intended to promote emotional well-being.

The older adult population is growing faster in the U.S. than our younger populations. Many older adults require care and are vulnerable to violence perpetrated by a caregiver or someone they trust. More research is needed to uncover the causes for, and solutions to, violence against older adults.

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

If you need any additional information, have a question, or a concern, feel free to reach out to Options at our 24-hour toll-free helpline 800-794-4624. You can also reach an advocate via text by texting HOPE to 847411 or click 24-Hour Chat with Options.

Written by Anniston Weber